Saturday, October 6, 2001 - 10:28 AM CST

My week of Homecoming Hell has come to an end! Last night, I finally couldn't take it. All week people have been slacking on their activities, things they volunteered for... the last night, for a skit-thing we were supposed to do... the people who were set up to do it went home from campus! I was so angry that I realized despite the fact that I was the one coordinating Homecoming activities for my residence hall, that I just couldn't go to the stuff taking place this morning. Instead, I took Benadryl at four in the morning, and slept through it all, 'til my phone rang around ten.

So, at least one stress-causer is out of the way. Which brings me to my problem...

Last night, around 3:30 or so, just before bed I fell into this...mood. I realized that I'm not living up to anyone's expectations, I'm failing miserably, and not pleasing anyone. My teachers, my boss, my family, my friends, I'm not being what anyone expects or wants me to be. Now, normally I'm all for "don't be what they want, be what you are" but that's not really what I'm doing. I don't know how to describe it.

The funniest part is that I know that the few people who's opinion of me truly matters have no 'expectations' of me. My family's made it clear that I can do what I want with my life. I've chosen college, they're great with that, but they made it clear they'd be fine if I had just chosen to go into the workforce instead. My friends, Hell, they're my friends... offline or online, they're the ones who choose to hang around me, so if they don't like who I am, why would they stick around? I think that's what I'm afraid of, though. That I haven't been completely honest about who I am, how I am, how I want to be... and that as they find out, as I let the 'real me' shine through, my loved ones will scatter, not liking that Becky. Which is stupid, I know, but I'm afraid... the stronger I care for someone, the more afraid I am of letting them get close, or stay close, to me, because closeness makes one vulnerable, and then able to be hurt, and also because I figure once they see who I really am, see past my everyday facade... despite the close relationship, they'll all leave, out of dissapointment or whatnot that I'm not who they want me to be.

And, I don't know why the Hell I'm writing this all here. Maybe 'cause a friend last night suggested just writing it all out to clear my head, and it felt like a good idea. And while this is far from everything, since some is just too personal for a public journal... I guess I feel better. Well, not really. I'm still confused, angry, upset, and just 'meh' in general, for lack of better terminology.

That means I should stop now.

~Daryl