american marital infidelity

[Shadow8017]

Is cheating on your spouse really immoral? Before you answer, consider this. Many countries elsewhere in the world, spouses caught in the act of being unfaithful is considered to be no more than a bump in the marriage if it is an issue at all. With the american divorce rate at 50%, I wonder just how many of those are the direct result of couples just not able to get past their husband/wife cheating on them.

My viewpoint is this: Americans place waaay too high of expectations on marriage. Just look around at any wedding ceremony ... all the crying and boo-hooing - as if its some last-standing beacon of righteousness and sanctity in our lives. Culturally we have some idea built up in our heads that the person we marry is going to fulfill EVERY need in our lives- spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially, etc... which is of course ludicrous, no one is perfect. I propose that instead of getting hurt and placing the blame on our partners we should look to ourselves and our own insecurities. I think people rarely cheat on their spouses because they love them any less. No, I think it happens simply because the person they cheated on them with provided them with something they needed that the husband/wife could not afford them at that time; which begs the question- why is the result so devastating to american marriages; often with years of ineffective marriage counseling and/or divorce.

To me, it's like eating meat that I know comes from an animal that was killed in a slaughterhouse for my consumption. It's not something we feel good about, but we shouldn't feel bad about it either.

[Miriel]

Why are you acting as though Americans are the only ones plagued by infidelity? And where are you getting the idea that in countries other than the U.S., adultery is no big deal. I don't think that's true at ALL. Adultury is an issue the whole world over, and unless you prove otherwise, I find it extremely difficult to believe that in other countries people would consider adultery to be a non-issue.

And I'm seriously boggled that you're suggesting that the person who was cheated on should somehow blame themselves rather than their partner who cheated.

If you want to sleep around with other people, don't get into a committed, monogamous relationship. I mean, this isn't a hard concept to understand. If you're in a monogamous relationship, cheating on your partner is a douchebag thing to do. If you're seriously itching to get it on with someone else, then either convince your partner to be in an open relationship, or break up with your partner before going after other people. SIMPLE.

Cheating is rarely just the physical act alone. It requires deception, lying to someone you claim to love, breaking trust, and completely dishonoring the relationship. If that's not "bad" then I don't know what is.

[fire_of_avalon]

Well, there are definitely some people who would take your last analogy and say we should feel very,very,very badly about eating meat, and that we should all stop doing it immediately.

The marriage vow is different in America (and most of western culture) than it is elsewhere. In America, we vow to remain faithful to that person in front our families and friends. Of course, you don't have to take that vow, but I reckon most people do.

That's not to say that you're wrong in how you feel about it, it's really down to a matter of opinion. I don't see the point in getting married if I'm going to have extra-marital affairs. I don't even see the point in dating exclusively if I'm going to be seeing other people. I don't have the time, inclination, or mental capacity to be in romantic relationships with multiple people. I want to find one person I care about and develop a relationship with them. If you don't want that, that's okay. You just can't marry me!

EDIT: Miriel, in a lot of tribal cultures, monogamy isn't really a big deal. Both men and women tend to have several sexual partners, and the entire community helps raise the offspring.

But we don't living on communities like that. Because we are a society that is very private, the nuclear family is what works best for us. That's why I only want to be with one person. But likesay, if someone doesn't want that, then you just have to find the right people to be with, I reckon.

[Madame Adequate]

If you want to sleep around with other people, don't get into a committed, monogamous relationship. I mean, this isn't a hard concept to understand. If you're in a monogamous relationship, cheating on your partner is a douchebag thing to do. If you're seriously itching to get it on with someone else, then either convince your partner to be in an open relationship, or break up with your partner before going after other people. SIMPLE.

Cheating is rarely just the physical act alone. It requires deception, lying to someone you claim to love, breaking trust, and completely dishonoring the relationship. If that's not "bad" then I don't know what is.

I don't think I can add much to what Miriel said on it. A monogamous relationship is expected to be just that. If you want something else, then find a partner who's okay with something else. But given that most of our society is structured around the idea of monogamy, it's pretty reasonable for people to presume that's part of the deal in a marriage.

The problem isn't that people make a big deal out of things. It's that people don't know how to deal with big deals. Whilst nothing as large as cheating occurred, my grandparents had their share of rough times, and they stayed together happily until my grandad bought the farm. My grandma still loves him to this day, more than ten years later. It's a factor of willpower and the capacity to figure things out, not a factor of the ability to change how big a deal something is.

[Roto13]

In some cultures you can be stoned to death in the street for cheating on your spouse.

Anyone who would betray my trust like that had better run.

Fast.

[Doomie]

Personally, cheating lovers ranks right up there with molesting children. Well, actually, right below, but still waaaaay up there. I mean, I think the whole of Western culture views marriage as a the beginning of a monogamy. Like anyone one else, people will tend to get sexual urges about someone other than their partner. However, if a person is willing to get married, or even to be in a relationship, it means they're able to control those urges. If you can't control them, you don't belong in a relationship. A single's bar is probably more suitable.

I think you're mixing up monogamy with chastity. Marriage means you're satisfied with having only one lover for the rest of your life. Much deeper than that, you're swearing that for the remainder of your life that you will have only one partner, both sexual and emotional. If you choose to break that vow, then I think any divorce is legitimate.

Personally, if I were ever to be cheated on, there is no forgiveness. Also:

No, I think it happens simply because the person they cheated on them with provided them with something they needed that the husband/wife could not afford them at that time.

What you're saying that if a spouse is unable to satisfy the urges of their lover at that specific moment in time, that allows them to be unfaithful?

And:

I propose that instead of getting hurt and placing the blame on our partners we should look to ourselves and our own insecurities.

This is the reason why so many women are caught in abusive relationships. Every time they get beaten, they don't blame the actual dick who is beating them, but rather themselves. They look at themselves and wonder what they did to deserve this, and how they could change. If we allow such betrayal in marriage, then what's the point of getting married? We say those vows for a reason.

[Martyr]

My viewpoint is this: Americans place waaay too high of expectations on marriage.

You're absolutely right if you change marriage to open relationships.

But once two people get married, trusting that they are devoted to each other until death, then infidelity is quite a tremendous oath to break.
It defeats the entire purpose. It is the total and complete opposite of everything that monogamous relationship and marriage stands for. It's a big deal.

If you need an example, just think of anything.
Like a stick.
What it, like the thing that you would never do to a stick you need.
Burn it?
Okay, burn it.
And now the stick is destroyed.

Or maybe you want to build a fire. Bury the stick in the snow?
Now the fire cannot be made.

Doing the total opposite thing from your objective will invariably ruin the entire purpose, and, to that end, it is an incredible big deal.

[Shadow8017]

Why are you acting as though Americans are the only ones plagued by infidelity?

I'm not. But talking about it occuring elsewhere(other than the fact that its not as big of a problem in alot of other countries, which is true btw) exceeds the scope of my post. It's just apart of my hypothesis that adultery is a very large contributor to the high divorce rates in america(1/2).

If you want to sleep around with other people, don't get into a committed, monogamous relationship. I mean, this isn't a hard concept to understand.

My question is more of why we consider monogamy so important to begin with?

This is the reason why so many women are caught in abusive relationships. Every time they get beaten, they don't blame the actual dick who is beating them, but rather themselves.

I can't agree with you that physical abuse is related. When you choose to physically exploit someone in whatever way, its always wrong because you're invading something that belongs to them. A woman in an abusive relationship hangs around because she is submissive, not necassarily because she is "insecure." The line for me becomes so much more blurred when talking about adultery. Where exactly does the fracture of moral law occur here? Is it that we think we have the right to "own" someone, body and mind, upon entering into the contract of marriage? Is it because we infringed on the relationship's "trust"? Why did trust have to exist in the first place? To me, its nothing more than a means of safeguarding oneself against one's own insecurities coming to realization.

[Madame Adequate]

I'm not. But talking about it occuring elsewhere(other than the fact that its not as big of a problem in alot of other countries, which is true btw) exceeds the scope of my post. It's just apart of my hypothesis that adultery is a very large contributor to the high divorce rates in america(1/2).

That may well be true, but that does not mean that the answer is to consider infidelity a lesser sin than it is currently viewed as.

[escobert]

I'm going to go with Miriel on this one

[ljkkjlcm9]

10 commandments:
SEVEN: 'You shall not commit adultery.'

TEN: 'You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.'

so yeah, it's basically been a belief since, well, forever

THE JACKEL

[Diango12]

In some cultures you can be stoned to death in the street for cheating on your spouse.

And in other cultures you could get buried alive for not cutting your hair. It's also a good thing however these cultures do not exist anymore in our day and age.

[Dr Unne]

My question is more of why we consider monogamy so important to begin with?

Why shouldn't we? I have a monogamous relationship and I likes it. I would not like any other kind. I don't need any reason other than that.

If you don't value monogamy, then don't practice it. Everyone is free not to. What other people do or how often other people get divorced and for what reasons isn't relevant to me.

Also, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Value_of_Monogamy

[Rye]

Yeah, can't say it any better than Miriel said. You aren't forced into a monogamous relationship. Well, except for a few people, but for the vast majority, you decided that yourself, so why shouldn't you live to your vows?

[Roto13]

In some cultures you can be stoned to death in the street for cheating on your spouse.

And in other cultures you could get buried alive for not cutting your hair. It's also a good thing however these cultures do not exist anymore in our day and age.

http://www.commondreams.org/headlines05/0426-10.htm