After my initial meeting with the Batarian Recruiter, I was directed to a pilot just outside of Club Afterlife. It was his job to fly me over to Archangel's hideout. This pilot was terrible which is why it's been twenty days since my last update. If he'd taken the interstate like I told him to, this update would have been here weeks ago!

Ahem.

OK, we finally arrive outside Archangel's den. According to another charming Batarian, the crafty bugger has destroyed all entrances to the building except a single bridge to the front. Perfect for sniping any unwanted intruders. I like your style, Archangel. There are a few merc groups involved in the attack and I got chatting to this Salarian called Gareth. He was the only merc I spoke to here that didn't want me to die a slow, painful death. Still got bog all information from him though. I did swipe a datapad from a side table which seemed to activate some sidequest. Groovy.

I did a spot of hacking in the next area to net me a decent amount of credits. I also hacked this badass robot which I remember AI telling me before that doing this would confuse it and I could kill the bastard easier. See you in a bit, pal.

A few more hacks and non-stimulating conversations later and I arrive at the start of the assault. A Batarian called Cathy was fixing a gunship which they were gonna use in the assault. I'm not sure whether it was a paragon or renegade quick-time action (I can't help myself, either way!) but I knocked the f***er out. That should help me in my 'don't kill Archangel' mission though there are plenty of other ways I could smurf it up.

Here we go, CHARGE! I didn't give myself away as a double-agent straight away. As soon as I spotted Archangel's health bar though I decided to start taking out my fellow, completely innocent freelancers. They turned back on me straight away but I'm fantastic and they were quickly deaded. I cleared the upper and lower floors before taking a breath mint in preparation for my first meeting with Archangel. As a hot-blooded male, I was secretly hoping for some sort of Valkyrie warrior maiden with a cleavage I could ski down...

Sh*t the bed, even better! It's Garrus!! Turns out he thought I was dead (yeah, I get that a lot) and didn't like how the council was being run so he decided to come to Omega and kill bad people. Nice plan. Now I'm back from the dead though he's happy to get the hell out of dodge with me and my crew. Unfortunately, this was just when the bloody assault started!

Garrus picked a particularly impressive spot for sniping so I joined him in taking out the mugs from afar. I freakin' love the sniper! Only problem is the reload isn't great and it's only one shot per time. That being the case a few of the pricks managed to enter the base so I had to leave the Garrmeister upstairs while I went down and took out the trash.

Whilst downstairs, that big robot I hacked earlier on made an appearance. It started shooting all the mercs and freelancers instead of us! How much do I rock?!! A lot. That is the answer. It wasn't long before the bridge was swept of all foes like pubic hairs from a toilet seat.

The danger wasn't over yet, however. An alarm sounds and I have to leave Garrus here to kick some more ass. I decided to leave Mordin with Garrus to help protect my homie. Plus, Mordin is a fellow Omegan so will be more than capable.

My next task was to seal these annoying three doors. The first one was fine. Though I don't see why there needs to be ten-second countdown for the smurfing things to close. I thought this was the future? Anyhoo, if any enemies made it past a certain point then the countdown resets. Really. Smurfing. Annoying. I won't mention how many deaths I experienced on the last two doors... let's just say it was more than one.

OK, final door done and I magically teleported back to Garrus. There were a few pesky cronies to deal with before a confrontation with... the gunship that I passed at the start of the mission. "Nice one!" I thought. Earlier on, I took out that Batarian making repairs to this badboy, that means it will be a pushover just like that robot I hacked, right?! Wrong. Nonchalantly skipping out into the open armed with just a pistol was a terrible move as I was ripped to pieces by its guns. Luckily, I'd been hoarding grenade launcher rounds so two or three shells and the confrontation was all over. Mission complete!

Back on the Normandy, Garrus had been pretty badly shot up by the gunship but he's a hardass and was up-and-about in no time. We actually had some quality bantz in the briefing room. Missed you, man! Thus ends the latest instalment of Bubba's Mass Effect Adventures.

Tune in next time when Shepard's bank account is defrauded after he replies to an email from the Nigerian lottery saying he's won 10 million credits.