here's my opening contribution:
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He stayed in his bed
And gave himself head
And spit his own spooge in a bucket
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here's my opening contribution:
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He stayed in his bed
And gave himself head
And spit his own spooge in a bucket
From Leprachaun 3
I once knew a man with balls of brass
and in stormy weather
they would cling together
and sparks would fly outta his ass.
stolen from Vonnegut
There was a young man from Stamboul
Who soliloquized thus to his tool:
"You took all my wealth
And you ruined my health
And now you won't pee, you old fool"
There was a young girl of eleven
Who changed into PJs at seven
Her grandfather bore
A hole in her door
And observed until he went to heaven
Quote:
Originally Posted by Necronopticous
How did I know!
Thread of the year, folks. :)
This one amused me greatly for an obscure Shogun reference:
Quote:
My knowledge of sex does not suck,
And I've researched the best things to fuck.
Sheep are too easy,
And chickens are greasy.
Yes, the best fuck of all is a duck!
There once was a hooker named Sue,
Who filled her vagina with glue.
When they paid to get in,
She said with a grin,
You must pay to get out of it too!
fantastic! although I think your limerick is missing a line, DP.
the Olson twins walked down the block
while chatting of Bob Saget's cock:
"these days it is old"
"and shriveled with mold"
"on Full House?" "a glorious rock!"
My attempt at an original one:
There once was a girl named Jojo
who was reportedly quite the ho
she was not very tall
and when standing by a wall
was just the right height for a blow.
Look, I stole it from a movie... I can't help it. I will find something from ogden nash later.
I wrote one for Psy and Shlup on a post I warned. I can't remember what they were though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momiji
Shlup, huh? Well, I'll take a crack at it.
There once was a person named Shlup
who really was quite the trollop.
people thought she's a man
despite her obvious cans
though her face should not be seen closeup.
I had a lot of trouble with the last line, and I'm not very happy with it. I wanted something dirtier but couldn't think of anything.
I actually think the last line was the best!
[NAME]'s a hefty old mare
who's completely covered in hair.
There aren't enough candles
to wax her love handles,
and don't even THINK about going down there. :eek:
I wrote this and then realised it was actually really mean coming from someone who isn't really anyone. Limerick up for grabs! :D
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quin
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quin's reported post
Bwaha them's the lot!
In case people are wondering, I said I'd write love limericks to Shlup and hate limericks to Psy whenever I warned a post in some thread somewhere. If I say I will do something, I will do something. :D
Oh, and CANDY refers to the NEKKY PIX she PMs me every last Sunday of the month. :D
There once was a man named krissy
who acted like quite a sissy
but he pulled down his pants
and took out his implant
and told all the girls to get busy
There once was a guy named Raist
Who removed his pants from his waist
He took aim at Unne
Said "Afterwards, let's spoon"
And covered the doctor with paste
there once was a mage named wes
whose dick got him into a mess
he impregnated an empress
whose husband was quite a temptress
and said 'a threesome a night will be best'
An unnamed poet submitted this to me~
Who could this anonymous wordsmith be?! :confused:Quote:
Once a young asia named peegee
Performed certain acts with a squeegee
He strained his back
Accessing the rack
of a windowwasheress from Fiji
There once was a man named Joel
they said he was as ugly as a mole
Then Along came wes
Who played with his mess
And buggered him with his pole
you guys got to work on your rhythm.
Jojo wrote one about me:
Quote:
there once was a boy named wesly,
and even though he looked quite ghastly,
i really liked his mom,
she was quite da bomb,
i want to do her like i'd do rick astley
I liked my Kaycee one better :p Although I guess it's not dirty enough for this thread! ...But what happened after was dirty :-*
Quote:
there once was a girl named kaycee
who was known for being quite racy
she waited for joy
dressed up and coy
all pretty and prim and lacy
Nothing is as dirty as that accent.Quote:
Originally Posted by I'm my own MILF
there once was a mayor of porre
whose mom was a dirty old whore
she forced him to give
poor Crono the HIV
which he died of in 2004
Ok, I'm not one to critique stretch rhymes, but "give" and "HIV"? xD
you've never heard of someone saying "the hiv" in a way that rhymes with give?
... no. Apparently I am not hip with the slang all you kids use nowadays.
there once was an old git named Raist
who liked to give head for the taste
until he met krissy
who tasted all pissy
and the old git refused to eat waste
Touche.
There once was a lawyer named eest
who considered small boys a good treat
he liked them so young
so his crimes were unsung
maybe he really was a priest
That went in a much different direction than I originally thought. *tired*
There once was a boy named Quin
Never Paul's love could he win
So he began to turn tricks
He was an expert with dicks
"I'm broken hearted, is it really a sin?"
While Rye was in all senses great
she with cakes had a problem of late
she'd see one and stop
she'd climb up on top
and into its depths flatulate
There once was a guy called eest
Whose pants contained a large beast
He showed it to Del
Who said "smurfing hell!
Tonight I'm having a feast!"
I once had a strawberry lolly
Pretty and shiny and yummy
I wasn't alert
So it fell in the dirt
Then my strawberry lolly was dirty
Rantzien's a jolly old Swede
who drinks what others have peed.
When no toilets are sighted,
Rantzien's delighted!
'Cos it allows him to fulfil his need.
There once was a chap named Psychotic
On the net he seemed quite erotic
And while he had Eyeson
To spread all his lies on
In real life he still can't score a chick
:D?
JK PAUL I know you do chickens all the time irl <3
Turkeys too, if I really make the effort.
gobble gobble gobble
To all the failures, the t in Raist is silent. :p
There once was a croney named Raist
Who possessed one marvelous ass
The ladies loved the wiggle
And the way his boobs jiggle
Tucked oh so nicely if his FF based bras
ais ass and ars.
Quality rhyming there, Neo. ;)
:confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by NeoCracker
At least I'm ryming with s sounds, and not trying to rhyme s and t sounds. :p
Quin was trying to get back
The groove he currently lacked
He tried loving darkies
But stook with the honkies
Cause he couldn't compete with the Black
... huh?Quote:
Originally Posted by NeoCracker
EDIT:... huh?Quote:
BRAS (AS IN CARS)
I neva lol'd so much in my life.Quote:
Originally Posted by scrumpleberry:confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by NeoCracker
i sat here for a good five minutes trying to come up with something and failed miserably. i'm better at being morgue serious or flippant and annoying than i am at being actually funny. someone do me~~~~ be sure the theme is prostitution.
Moon Rabbits, the Canadian scum,
enjoys allsorts being shoved up his bum.
The reason is clear:
he's desperately queer,
But hush now! Don't tell his mum!
Or, if you need prostitution ;):
Gay hookers are hard to find,
but it's a challenge Moon Rabbits won't mind.
He's desperate for sex
but terribly vexed,
as no man will go near his behind. :(
I hope you don't find them genuinely offensive or anything. :(
Oh ho ho ho~ :thumb:
edit: new custom title in order ...
I suck? Pffft, I came up with those in like 20 seconds, and it's more important that they sound ok than that they have the exact number of syllables.
Err.... I mean, I spent ages on those things and they are obviously brilliant!
qftQuote:
Originally Posted by Raistlin
I imagine if they shorten your name to Raist from Raistlin, the T will remain silent, unless of course you pronounce Raistlin by sounding out the T. However the other two poems with Raist attempted to rhyme it with words ending in T's that are sounded out. :pQuote:
Originally Posted by Raistlin... huh?Quote:
Originally Posted by NeoCracker
... why would the "T" in Raistlin be silent in the first place? :screwy:
I've never heard of a T in the middle of multiple constants pronounced. :p
Besides, pronouncing the T just makes it sound silly.
Edit: Everywhere else seems to pronounce the T as well. Thats just plain odd...
it's French, bitchQuote:
Originally Posted by Raistlin
Everybody hated poor Psy
So he sat in a corner to cry
He couldn't get laid
Even if he paid
So everybody said "poor guy"
There once was a CK named Eest
Who could rise without any yeast
The ladies all glanced
He tore of his pants
He showed them his very own beast
I once knew a guy named Quin
Who ladies thought was made of win
At his clothes they tore
Always asking for more
But when he was done he put them in the bin :(
I AM QUIN. I DISPOSE OF WOMEN IN A DEROGATORY FASHION.
Love it. :)
Jiro, a hero from Oz;
a lazy old tosser, he was!
But a dragon attack
turned the whole world black,
till our hero punched him in the snoz.
The dragon was thrown from its tower
and fled before Jiro's power.
The people rejoiced,
which made him quite moist,
and now he's in need of a shower!
Won~Quote:
Originally Posted by rubah
The weird noises in the background make this like ... EXPERIMENTAL. mannnnnnnn.
edit: I'm impressed with how you handled Raist's. Oiiiiiii vey. Saying some of these out loud is apparently difficult.
edit again: After having "do me do me do me and make the theme prostitution" read back to me I realize that the way I type online is ... uh, special~~ Though those tildes should make it "MEEEEEEEEEEE" rather than just repated imho~~~
bed time now.
I love you rubah. Like...actually love you. I'm heading to yours now to marry you.
It was only during rubah's reading that I realised how brilliant the Moon Rabbits ones are. xD
... huh? If I were you, I'd sue my old English teachers.Quote:
Originally Posted by NeoCracker
Wrestle? Consonants? Consists? Resists? Temptress?
Like, I just thought of all those in like 2 seconds man.
edit: Heartless, sports, sultry, filth, plinth, subtle.
To be fair, I don't pronounce the t in "wrestle", which is the only word there with the same combination of consonants as "Raistlin"... but nevermind that, it's getting off-topic! More limericks!Quote:
Originally Posted by Moon Rabbits
I didn't write this one, but I found it slightly amusing:
A new farmer's helper named Kull
Accidentally was milking a bull
The farmer said, "Boy yer dumb,
You done milked the wrong one!"
Said the boy, "But me whole bucket's full."
The only time the "T" isn't pronounced that I can think of is for "-estle," (e.g., wrestle, trestle). That is an exception, not the rule. :p
I can't think well enough for my own right now, so here's another amusing one I found:
On the tits of a barmaid named Gayle,
Were tattooed prices of beer, stout, and Ale,
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was precisely the same, but in Braille.
there once was a wizard from Lourdes
who liked to eat other men's turds
when he sampled Psy
he shouted oh my!
the shit's to exquisite for words!
There once was a bunny named Bunny
It would be said that his nose was runny
He asked for a Kleenex
and instead got some earwax
And now he is covered in goo.
You know, now that I think about it, out side of these supposed 'exception' words, I can't even think of a word that has t in between multiple consonants....Quote:
Originally Posted by Raistlin
There once was a boy named Quin
Who lived in a Biffa Bin
He whored himself out
He'd scream & he'd shout
Till someone'd give him a spin
There once was a duck named Psy
The other ducks made him cry
They splashed water at him
And they called him a Tim'
All because he could not fly
what about eestlinc?Quote:
Originally Posted by NeoCrackerYou know, now that I think about it, out side of these supposed 'exception' words, I can't even think of a word that has t in between multiple consonants....Quote:
Originally Posted by Raistlin
I'm not sure why you keep going on about "multiple consonants" xD There aren't any bad consonant clusters here (ngth!); they're just two syllables jammed together. there are plenty of examples of "st" where the t is pronounced, and in these cases you'd just say one syllable then say the next.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NeoCrackerYou know, now that I think about it, out side of these supposed 'exception' words, I can't even think of a word that has t in between multiple consonants....Quote:
Originally Posted by Raistlin
Quote:
Originally Posted by Moon Rabbits
Names really don't count, as the person making the name can basically make it sound anyway they want, and th is a bit different as that creates another sound all together. :pQuote:
Originally Posted by rubahwhat about eestlinc?Quote:
Originally Posted by NeoCrackerYou know, now that I think about it, out side of these supposed 'exception' words, I can't even think of a word that has t in between multiple consonants....Quote:
Originally Posted by Raistlin
I'm not sure why you keep going on about "multiple consonants" xD There aren't any bad consonant clusters here (ngth!); they're just two syllables jammed together. there are plenty of examples of "st" where the t is pronounced, and in these cases you'd just say one syllable then say the next.
Though yeah, I couldn't even think of the words with STR or other such ones. XD
Regardless, it sounds better without the t being sounded, so meh. :p
qft.Quote:
Originally Posted by rubah
also a limerick requires more than a rhyme scheme and a joke. there must be rhythm!
There once was a man named Jeremy
Little girls would all cry "please don't stare at me!"
So he climbed up a tree
Where no one could see
And from there he observed them quite merrily. ;0
To be sans remorse,Quote:
Originally Posted by NeoCracker
The trick is, of course
To follow the rules
You learned in school
For pronouncing the name of your horse.
my cat really liked when I read that one aloud
That would sound a lot better with just a couple of extra syllables. Like eesty said, it's all about rhythm.
"In order to be sans remorse,
The trick is obvious, of course..."
I'll try to come up with some more tomorrow, if I am not dead after Torts exam.
Can we please just let my long, massive, and messy brain fart go now?H
The one they all teased was Neocracker
Making him feel like a Zero thereafter
He crying himself to sleep
He was unable to keep
The sorrow from overcoming the Laughter.
:cry:
Did you read it aloud? There is rhythm :p
there once was a dude named neel
who had an obsession to steal
the hearts of the young
and shove them in dung
and stab with his dick made of steel
Among the three thousand she's laid
Not one man will be heard to be say
That Shlup is a newb
Or lacking in boob
But all wish that they were born gay
The girl Shlup is known for her ass
as well as her boobs and her sass
she said "I will screw
anyone, but you
will be hurt from all the toys brass."
Again I had trouble with the last line. Oh well. Too tired/lazy to put real thought into it.
and who was lecturing me on rhythm? xD
What? That actually works better than most of my other limericks. Short words, matching syllables (last one has one more, but oh well).
Actually I can fix the last line easily by just taking out the "-ing" from "hurting." There, perfect!
you're still putting the stress on the word "the" xD
I was putting it on "all." I guess it depends on how you read it.
There once was a lad named Quin,
Whose mum took me for a spin,
Then she made lunch,
and I gave her a punch
Without teeth she looks truly grim.
Grim, but certainly more practical.
Bwahaha, indeed!
Here's an amusing one I found:
One drowsy old Countess of Florage
Would keep her mouth open for snorage
The Count still had fun
And when he was done
She had swallowed a bit of his porridge
Hey, Raist finally posted a limerick that actually fits the rhythm! ;)
stfu
That's because he "found" it, Quin ;D
there once was a guy called BoB
who had a red bulging knob
he unleashed his dong
right into the throng
before sheathing it in lev's gob.
Last line needs to lose a syllable somewhere but cba, it flows okay when read aloud anyway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Psychotic
Quote:
Originally Posted by Psychotic
Quote:
Originally Posted by Psychotic
A big red one? :)