Originally Posted by
Iceglow
I was drunk in a night club, the night club had the type of stairs you often find in schools, steep and capped in steel plates and tiled in linoleum or something whatever it was smurfing lethal when wet. Add 500+ drunk people and London Weather and you can imagine the stairwell was never dry. I was going down the stairs with some friends drunk! Yes that drunk it needed an exclamation mark and being typed in bold. Anyhow I was carrying a full bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale down the stairs I had just brought and wasn't paying attention to anything other than my bottle and the girl coming up the stairs tits which were essentially on show because her top was very low cut and see through and she had no bra on, it was a goth club, did I mention it was a goth club? Anyhow I didn't watch where I was putting my feet because Ms Ihaveveryperttitsoutinpublic gave me a twice over a smile and gestured for me to go for a cigarette with her.
I promptly slip over on the wet stairs and fall on my arse sliding at a billion miles an hour towards the bottom where I will ungloriously have to pick myself up battered, bruised and probably not going to get a chance at the girl. So I thought fast, I decided to push off the stairs in to mid air as I slipped down my 3rd step. I was thinking fast! Yes that fast it requires bold and an exclamation. so here I went down and here I pushed off the step, it wasn't such a hot idea I'd forgotten we were at the top of the flight of steps and I had about 9 - 10ft to clear in terms of going forwards and at least 15ft to fall to get to the bottom of the stairs without landing in an even worse position of crumpled on the actual stairs with numerous broken bones. Everyone froze; Ms Tits, my friends, random strangers, the bouncers looked away in horror there was no way in anyone's mind, heck no way in my mind I was going to manage this. Deathly silence filled the stairway broken only by the cadence of pumping metal in the two rooms where the club was held. I'm there throwing myself out in to air still clutching my bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale, right thumb jammed in the top to stop myself from losing a drop. Picture this if you will, a skinny as a rake 5'10" tall guy with shoulder length black hair, goatee and mustache dressed in black completely, jeans, shirt, boots all black the only flashes of colour being the silver chain at his hip, the necklace round his neck and the silver of a belt buckle and ring. A bottle of brown ale in hand flying like he's smurfing batman down a stairwell as if he's leaping at a dragon with a smurfing pickaxe.
Amazingly I landed 1 inch from the bottom step on both feet, dropped to one knee and raised both hands up in the air Newcastle Brown Ale intact and not a drop spilled. The world is still frozen, Metal music pounding in my ears along with the heart that once resided in my chest. I bruised my backside yes the initial fall left a nasty bruise that wouldn't go amiss in a game of Tetris. I bruised my knee dropping to it so hard as my right knee buckled on landing but I was intact, unharmed...there would be no hospital trip for me that evening! Ms Tits (I honestly don't remember this girl's name, I was that drunk!) is standing on the stairs above me eyes wide open like "how the hell, I'm impressed!" my friends are literally agog like "smurf, Steve's ALIVE?" and the Bouncers are tenatively turning round and looking at me as I kneel there broodily hair whipped past my face a grin parting my facial hair teeth on show. The atmosphere hangs for around 10 - 15 seconds like "wtf did we just see" I'm just kneeling there like "wtf I survived?" before the bouncers led the way giving me a full on round of applause as I slowly raise up and take my deserved bow. I then promptly ran up the stairs and joined Ms Tits for what was to prove to be not only a cigarette. The conclusion is that I have somehow mastered the ability of flight. It is the only way to explain how I survived the fall.
