Alright guys. It's the 1840s and we live in freaking Missouri and we don't want any of that anymore so we're going to OREGON TERRITORY.
Attachment 36322
I need five brave souls to come with me as we jaunt across the continent. Who's ready?
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Alright guys. It's the 1840s and we live in freaking Missouri and we don't want any of that anymore so we're going to OREGON TERRITORY.
Attachment 36322
I need five brave souls to come with me as we jaunt across the continent. Who's ready?
I am so down for this.
Meeeeeeeee
You have my swor-... well, you have my fist.
OH GOD PICK ME
Okay guys. We need ONE MORE PERSON. Who wants to join our hapless little band of pioneers?
I'm in.
Oh :(
Okay guys I picked a sort of middle-of-the-road profession and skillset to keep things interesting but still possible
HERE WE GO
ARE YOU READY
OH GOD
Attachment 36324
OMG SO EXCITED <3
I read that as "hopeless," and became concerned.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pike
LET'S DO THIS
Oh man, I'm 12.
... Are we there yet?
45? Well jeez don't I just feel like a bloody kiddie fiddler. Still, I am pretty sure that was legal in 1840's America.
You'd better not ask that the entire way. We've got three months ahead of us. :aimmad:
I'm bringing my fake moustache and pretending to be a dwarf.Quote:
Originally Posted by Psychotic
I predict old man Psychotic will die of cholera about halfway through.
Speaking of 45 year olds... :colbert:Quote:
Originally Posted by Del Murder
What do you guys think? Is she trying to SWINDLE US??
Attachment 36325
We'll most likely end up having to trade him for our lives if we run into a band of Native Americans before that happens.Quote:
Originally Posted by Del Murder
Which package would I like? Sephex's. :jokey:
FIVE MONTHS?! It should only take three!
Pike I want a mule can we have a mule?
Did I say cholera? Make that syphilis.Quote:
Originally Posted by Psychotic
Now that I can see happening.
Sarah thinks we can do this nice and quick so we're going for the cheap package. :jokey:
Also we're getting a mule for Jessweeeeee:
Attachment 36326
What else do you guys think we should bring??
Yay :3
Hey lady, that's how I roll. A cheap whore will do the same thing as an expensive one!
No thanks to that package. I'm not even hungry.
Edit: BALE OF HAY
Actually screw Sephex (metaphorically) I want to sleep with that store clerk lady. Is there a nudie code for her? That square face and those broad, stocky shoulders... HOT TAMALE!
edit: We're gonna need LOTS of bridles. Bridles and hay.
I say we bring a bunch of brandy. What do you guys think?
Attachment 36327
Yes! And don't forget the bonnets!
Wow that's cheap brandy. And make sure you get beads for Sephex and Psychotic's um... 'alone time'.
What is this brown muslin cloth? Is that what terrists wear on the head, ma?
What on earth for? Drinking is for losers. :roll2 I want some biscuits and some bonnets. Maybe some biscuits in a bonnet.
You should click that big INDEPENDENCE button and play the Northwest Independence War minigame. Spirit of '76!
Biscuits, bonnets and hay. Got it. Now what do we want to eat? :monocle:
Attachment 36328
32 lbs of butter and one tin of sardines.
BACON 24/7 LIFESTYLE
5 cents for a pound of bacon? Why would you ever leave this place?
Okay!
Attachment 36329
Jokes on both of you, I have gonorrhea!Quote:
Originally Posted by Del MurderDid I say cholera? Make that syphilis.Quote:
Originally Posted by Psychotic
Also, I am 35? Only five years from my real life age.
*waits to see how I will die*
Never mind the syphillis... butter soaked bacon all day every day? Toot toot all aboard the heart disease train. But it'll be worth it. :jess:
Meanwhile Steve shows up and gives us advice
Attachment 36330
He's lying. I can tell by the way that hat is looking at his mustache.
"Pardon?"
Is there a way to perhaps undress this man because god damn if he doesn't have the snappiest outfit I have ever seen. I want it. All of it.
Hey guys did you know that you can buy 20 gallons of whiskey at the pharmacist's?
Attachment 36331
Each bottle of sarsparilla costs $0.97, but a bottle cap is 1. Therefore we can make three cents profit for each one! For a total of 18 cents!
I'm gonna make my own homebrew out of sulphur, turpentine and quinine, and it'll be a lot better than stinky old Whiskey.Well no because Pre-War Money comes out at like, 15 caps per dollar. And that's not even adjusting for inflation!Quote:
Originally Posted by I'm my own MILF
Great, I'm going on a three month journey through hell with no TV and surrounded by drunk adults in bonnets. :( At least there'll be bacon.
Okay guys. We've got food, medicine, booze, bonnets, a mule, and...
OH BOY this is going to be the most important purchase we make before we start out!
Attachment 36332
I'm obviously suggesting you buy now and sell in the post-nuclear later :colbert:Quote:
Originally Posted by Psychotic
e; buy everything. That's 1700 lbs of gunpowder right there, just blow up the freaking Rockies.
Oh my god!!! Get a rifle, a shotgun, some sheaths, and as much ammo as we can make Sarah carry!
And smurf it let's get some gunpowder too. Not blowing things up every 5 minutes is simply Unamerican.
You will only need 6 bullets. Well, I guess one more for the mule.
I'm not carrying anything. :colbert:
Apart from the ebola virus. :doublecolbert:Quote:
Originally Posted by Shorty
Better than syphilis!
Sarah I don't know if you're familiar with the symptoms of ebola but I can assure you that it is not in fact "better than syphilis".
Attachment 36333
This is what happens when you guys refuse to carry stuff! Now look, we can't even leave!
oh go to hellQuote:
Originally Posted by I'm my own MILF
EDIT: GUESS WE HAVE TO LEAVE PAUL BEHIND
No. You carry Paul.
Actually scratch that. Paul rides on the Mule, and hook Sarah up to tow the wagon.
If it's a weight issue, p. sure your ass alone weighs twice as much as my entire body :goofy:Quote:
Originally Posted by Shortyoh go to hellQuote:
Originally Posted by I'm my own MILF
EDIT: GUESS WE HAVE TO LEAVE PAUL BEHIND
You love my bootay, Paul, don't even deny it.
also I will not a part of your weird ponygirl fantasies, Huxtable!
I was going to buy more mules but they're expensive so I went for the cheaper oxen alternative and now they're letting us go
BUT NOW WHAT, I AM NOT GOOD AT DECISION!
Attachment 36334
The more people, the more likely we are to survive a Donner Party situation.
Our morale is high. What could possibly go wrong!
>she thinks the ponygirl having a choice is part of the fantasy :roll:Quote:
Originally Posted by Shorty
I like Sarah's logic so I went with the wagon train with the most people.
LOOK AT THIS GUYS, we are like two days into our journey and we've found a FROZEN RIVER! :eek:
Attachment 36335
There are children here, Huxley. Rantz, cover your ears.
SEE WHO'S AROUND
I didn't sign up for frozen rivers! :|
What did you sign up for?
This guy is just chilling by the ice! What a badass.Quote:
Originally Posted by Shorty
Attachment 36336
Oh man. He looks like a cannibal to me.
What does everyone else think? D:
I signed up for the bonnets, mostly.
Also let's talk to him! He looks like the kind of man who will give you a big hug and a mug of hot chocolate :3
Attachment 36337
WAY TO BE A DEBBIE DOWNER, BRO.
I do not see this turning out well in any choice we pick. :(
*Sephex has died of severe alcohol poisoning*Quote:
Originally Posted by Pike
And that river is making me nervous...
Okay, get rid of that slob and I say we rest/wait.
Maybe if we just run across really fast... ?
Okay guys
Okay
Let's stay calm
And walk across the ice, okay?
Following our fearless leader! (You go first, Pike.)
Yeah! I'm not gonna be beaten by no sissy ice! Let's do it! As long as Sarah's giant ass is last we'll be okay :)
OH HEY YOU FOUND ME
Do you like my mustache I grew it to look like a Turk
Hey look guys! We made it across the ice and as it turns out there's a town on the other side! :)
DOES ANYONE NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM? NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME BEFORE WE LEAVE CIVILIZATION.
Attachment 36338
I NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM also I'd like a pack of Skittles before we go anywhere
Paul, you're the first one we're feeding to the cannibals. I can't stand the sight of you :aimmad:
Let's conquer Westport and make it an annex of the Glorious Eyesonian Empire. PILLAGE, RAPE AND MURDER!
Buying Sarah some Skittles before we continue!
Attachment 36339
Wait what I don't need three pounds D:
I'll say... :erm:Quote:
Originally Posted by Shorty
I don't need to pee, promise! O=)
OH trout
Attachment 36341
Get Paul off that wagon.
Wait wait okay
We can double-team the animals!? Paul, let's you and me go first!
Attachment 36342Quote:
Originally Posted by Shorty
WHAT
Get advice, then :(
"Take Sarah's fat ass off the wagon."
I knew I should have never shared that picture :aimmad:
I asked for advice and the guy was like "THIS IS YOUR FAULT WE'RE GOING TOO FAST HURR HURR"
So I threw him off the wagon :shobon:
But then a few days later this happened :(
Attachment 36343
Do we have supplies to replace it?
Let's trade that candy for a replacement.
Well if you want me to forget about that picture you know there's another sort of picture you could provide :jokey:Quote:
Originally Posted by Shorty
THANKS SARAHQuote:
Originally Posted by Pike
"You were unable to repair the wagon axle and had to replace it from supplies."
http://01.images.fireden.net/wp-cont...12/05/okay.jpg
You still not seen them yet? Bloody hell mate. I'll hook you up on MSN.Quote:
Originally Posted by I'm my own MILF
FINE IT'S ALL ME AND MY ASS'S FAULT
I'm not ashamed :colbert:
dammit, Paul. I was going to use that as incentive for something down the line but you've BOTCHED THAT, THANK YOU.
OH GOD WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO
Attachment 36344
PUT IT OUT PUT IT OUT
Jesus, all this and you can still see your old house from here.
PUT THE FIRE OUT JESUS CHRIST
*comes out of hiding*Quote:
Originally Posted by Shorty
Whoa, whoa, what? There's a picture of Sarah's ass somewhere around here?
Attachment 36345
Man you guys I dunno we're barely 50 miles out of town
THANK GOD THE CANDY IS OKAY
No, Eric. There is not.
RIP bacon :whimper:
And now we know what search terms G was using to find this thread.Quote:
Originally Posted by G13*comes out of hiding*Quote:
Originally Posted by Shorty
Whoa, whoa, what? There's a picture of Sarah's ass somewhere around here?
I'm sure it's just a little crispy. The bacon is fine!
BONNETS!Quote:
Originally Posted by Del MurderAnd now we know what search terms G was using to find this thread.Quote:
Originally Posted by G13*comes out of hiding*Quote:
Originally Posted by Shorty
Whoa, whoa, what? There's a picture of Sarah's ass somewhere around here?
>goes off to work in real life
>come back to this
MY BACON AND BOOZE!!! There goes my plan to make bacon flavored booze.
Attachment 36346
http://myfacewhen.com/images/177.jpgQuote:
"This river may prove a little tricky."
Super crispy bacon, you guys!
Guess that's what happens when you use those "match" thingies...
Let's just take the ferry. Our luck seems to be going down the drain awfully fast.
I knew this should be an "adults only" escapade. Rantz, you're going in the river.
Good idea. For all that money they have to know what they're doing, right? This will just be a nice safe journey helped along by professionals and a;lsgkh;LHKASGKADAKLYHAAGDSKLABLRGRLRLGRLQuote:
Originally Posted by Sephex
Attachment 36348
I wasn't sitting on that side of the wagon. I swear.
I just laughed so damn loud at work. I am lucky I am on break.Quote:
Originally Posted by PikeGood idea. For all that money they have to know what they're doing, right? This will just be a nice safe journey helped along by professionals and a;lsgkh;LHKASGKADAKLYHAAGDSKLABLRGRLRLGRLQuote:
Originally Posted by Sephex
Attachment 36348
I wanna go back home and hide under the shop clerk's skirts :(
Let's look on the bright side, NOBODY DIED!
THE BACON! WTH NOT THE BACON! You guys suck at this. It's no wonder, half of you aren't even american :colbert:
The non fat half. Just sayin'.Quote:
Originally Posted by Freya
Hey, at least the weather is nice.
At this point, I am waiting for a random lighting strike to take us all out in one instant.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pike
But the remaining bacon shall make it to Oregon.
SHUT UP I AM SHAPELYQuote:
Originally Posted by PsychoticThe non fat half. Just sayin'.Quote:
Originally Posted by Freya
Yay, no deaths so far!
Well I'm not sure how we managed it but we went a few days without incident. And oooh, what's this? Hey look maybe they'll help us out!
Attachment 36349
OH MY GOD CANNIBALS
itsatrap.jpg
Approach them! They look like friendly shadows. :)
You mean with the looks of the guns they're holding?
2 days before my birthday :)
Let's go approach them, I bet they have yummy candy we can eat.
I bet it's zombies.
THEY SENT OUT THEIR MEDIATOR TO TALK TO USQuote:
Originally Posted by Rantz
Attachment 36350
She's got some sort of dodgy Russian/Scottish hybrid accent. I think it's a trap.
Sure, let's help foa.
We gotta offer them something or they'll tear us limb from limb!
Offer something.
Namely my penis :smug:
And also bullets. To the skull.
(The order in which we make these offers does not matter to me)
KILL THEM AND TAKE THEIR SUPPLIES
If they have no supplies, THEY BECOME THE SUPPLIES
You can make food from their flesh and leather from their skin.
Attachment 36351
They're demanding guns. That's it, we're out of here.
So... we're the reavers here?
Ffff do we have any other rifles? I'm getting antsy about this!
EDIT: Oh, we have two. What if one jams, though!?
Give her a rifle butt to the teeth.
Haggle anyway.
NO SHE WILL SHOOT US WITH IT AND TAKE OUR OXEN AND MULE :(
Should've just kept saying "Pardon?" until they got sick of us and left.
I tried to haggle but they just wanted more guns, so we made an escape. Just in time if you ask me!
Anyways. I'm no expert on Nebraska but I'm pretty sure it doesn't have a coast. Are we sure we're going the right way? :onoes:
Attachment 36352
Let's rest here for a week.
It's a swamp!
Edit: Man, our morale is still high after all this crap!
I don't... coast? What?
I say we rest also~
Might as well rest. Gotta go pee in the bushes.
Okay! Rested a bit. Ready to continue onward now, but...
OH NOES!
Attachment 36353
Resting is for sissies. Gotta keep up the pace! Gotta break 4:42!
Edit: What would Gerald Ford do?
FORD IT
ALWAYS FORD IT
Have we driven a Ford lately?
AUGH NOW LOOK WHAT YOU GUYS DID
Attachment 36354
That was some strenuous river-fording. (Is that what the kids call it these days? :roll2 )
The joke is just too obvious. Immobilize it!
http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/...3/plan2jh7.jpg
Just kidding. Immobilize the joint.
My granny Sadie suggests epsom for absolutely everything so I recommend taking that option.
Also give Jessweeeeee a break, Sephex. Sarah can do that for you for awhile.
APPLY ALCOHOL TO THE SPRAIN
ALCOHOL ALWAYS MAKES THINGS BETTER
Ouch! My parkour was too hardcore :(
NO DON'T WASTE PRECIOUS ALCOHOL
Apply bacon to the sprain.
She suffered a sprain. Breaking it would make it worse, you monster!Quote:
Originally Posted by I'm my own MILF
Amputate it.
The joint has been immobilized and bacon has been applied. ONWARD! FOR VICTORY!
Attachment 36355
http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a1...6174694744.jpgQuote:
"This river appears extremely treacherous."
FORD IT
Wait for a bit. Have a nice cook out on the river bank.
FORD
IT
But first we can see who's around.
The river has been forded and upon crossing the wagon promptly fell over three times in a row.
Did we lose anything?!
I think we can afford to...well, you know.
Also, work is just about over for me. Won't be able to keep up with this for awhile.
If we make it, I take all the credit, even if I die!
If we lose, the fault lies with everyone else!
I think floating for a bit on this extremely treacherous river sounds like a fun idea.
We did, we lost a variety of random items. But that's the LEAST of our concerns right now, because:Quote:
Originally Posted by Shorty
Attachment 36356
:onoes:
o:
Get advice!
I love how me and Rantzien are both the same little boy.
Oh no! Load him up with vinegar! He likes that.
Give him vinegar.
EDIT: Yeeeeeeeeeeah, Sarah. :D
You fools we don't have vinegar we used it all on my wrist!
Increase fluid intake. I'm happy to provide the extra fluids. :smug:
We used bacon on your wrist!Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessweeee♪
Attachment 36357
Meanwhile, some advice from the Marlboro Man.
Fluids, then. But take him over in those bushes - I don't want to watch that.
I NEED WHISKEY
I mean we got it from the pharmacist, didn't we :(
Dude it's Tallahassee.
Nice shirt. I didn't know they had Old Navy back in those days.
Fluid intake: increased. Old Navy shirt: Stolen.
We're on our way again!
Attachment 36358
$4 for the ferry but REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME? I wouldn't trust these guys trying to get out of a paper bag.
Yeah, no. "Professionals."
What if we caulk the wagons and float?
I know I'll be outvoted but whatever: Caulk dat trout up.
Yeah, ride that caulk.
IS DAK THERE?
We have ridden the caulk to glory :aimkiss:
Awesome, way to go, team!
Yeah she did.Quote:
Originally Posted by Pike
No. He, along with the other dirty criminals are getting deported to Australia.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tifa's Boobs
It's Oregon Trail not Outback Walkabout.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tifa's Boobs
OH NO JESSWEEE'S MULE! D:
Attachment 36359
+Fine Mule Leather Leggings+ imho
What, no option to shoot it in the head?
EAT IT