Ayen's Plays NATION STATES!

Welcome one and all to Ayen's Plays Nation States! What is Nation States, you ask? It's a game where you can make your own country and then cycle through several issues (1 or 2 per day) to help develop your country further. Your choices define what will become of your nation. So, to begin, allow me to introduce to you The Republic of Isafaro!

The Republic of Isafaro is a fledgling, socially progressive nation, remarkable for its irreverence towards religion.

Hah!

The hard-nosed population of 5 million Isafaroans are fiercely patriotic and enjoy great social equality; they tend to view other, more capitalist countries as somewhat immoral and corrupt.

We're looking at you, America. We're looking at you.

The medium-sized government juggles the competing demands of Welfare, Education, and Defense. The average income tax rate is 39.7%, but much higher for the wealthy.

Take that, wealthy citizens! Goddamn rich people and their tax evading. GIMMIE YOUR WALLET!

The weak Isafaroan economy,

We prefer the term 'still in development'.

worth 129 billion Credits a year, is broadly diversified and led by the Beef-Based Agriculture industry, with major contributions from Cheese Exports, Pizza Delivery, and Furniture Restoration.

The kind of contributions first world countries can only dream of!

State-owned companies are common. Average income is 25,828 Credits, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Balance is everything.

Crime is totally unknown,

SMURFING SCORE!

thanks to a capable police force

Never thought I'd see those words in the same sentence.

and progressive social policies in education and welfare.

Or those.

Isafaro's national animal is the Vulture, which soars majestically through the nation's famously clear skies.

Soar free, my beauty. Soar free.

Leading Causes of Death

This should be good.

96.2% Old Age

Hot damn that is awesome! What's the remaining 3.8%?

Lost in Wilderness

Natural selection at its finest.

Isafaroan Government Expenditure
42.5 Billion Credits – 32.9% GDP

Is that good? I'm going to assume that's good.

Administration: 8.7%
Defense: 11.2%
Education: 11.8%
Environment: 5.6%
Healthcare: 11.2%
Industry: 5.6%
International Aid: 5%
Law & Order: 8.7%
Public Transport: 8.7%
Social Policy: 6.8%
Welfare: 16.8%

Probably the most even my budget has ever been. All right.

The Isafaroan Economy
GDP: 129 Billion Credits
25,828 Credits Per Person

Poorest 10% 19,146 Credits Per Person
Richest 10% 33,682 Credits Per Person

Government: 32.9%
State-Owned Industry: 15.7%
Private Industry: 49.6%
Black Market: 1.8%

Oh, dem blacks–! Wait, wait, that's not what I meant!

All right, now that we have that out of the way, let's see what my country needs from me today.

Should Democracy Be Compulsory?

Somehow, I expected more.

In response to a slow news week,

Extremely slow.

certain highbrow newspapers have stirred up the debate over voluntary vs compulsory voting.

"Compulsory voting makes about as much sense as having the death penalty for attempted suicide," says civil rights activist Roxanne Anderson. "You can't force people to be free! You can only give them the choice. Besides, if all those derelicts who can't be bothered to get off their butts once every few years voted, who would they elect? I shudder to think."

Yeah, what are we, Australia?

"It's not contradictory at all," argues political commentator Tobias Hamilton. "The fact is, if not everyone votes, the outcome isn't truly representative. Some groups--like elderly gun nuts--vote more often than others. That's why we always end up with such terrible politicians."

You're hitting too close to home now, game.

"This raises an interesting issue," says Jake Plath, your brother.

I have a brother named Jake? Mom, how come you never told me!? Mommy? MOMMY!

"And that is: why do we need elections, anyway? Seems to me it would be much simpler if you just decided what was right, and did it. Wouldn't that save everyone a lot of time?"

Hm, you raise an interesting point there, brother I've only known for a few seconds. I am objectively always correct about everything from games, movies, television, and the five books I've read in my entire 26 years of living, so why do we need voting? Smurf voting! DICTATORSHIP IT IS!

Now, what's next?

Compulsory Organ Harvesting Proposed

WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PEOPLE AND THE WORD COMPULSORY?!

Tempers flare in Isafaro as civil libertarians and the healthcare lobby clash once again over mandatory post-mortem organ donation.

"It's not as crazy as it sounds," says Dr. Renee Summers. "Every day, people die because we don't have the organs to save them. Well, that and widespread under-funding of the health system.

Excuse me, sir? I'll have you know that 96.2% of people die of old age, so you don't come to my office about no damn widespread under-funding of the health system!

But the point is, if the government allowed us to take organs from dead people, we could save hundreds of lives a year. And come on, it's not like dead people need them."

Do the dead people object to this?

…...................

Oh, right, you can't. Because you're dead!

"You keep your damn hands off my organs!" says alarmed hospital patient Imogen Neumann. "They are my organs, and I'll do with them what I like. The government has no right to my body."

Normally, I'd side with you, Doc, but you insulted my health system spending, and for that, you must pay the price.

Victory goes to the alarmed hospital patient! Bastards tell me people dying because of widespread under-funding of the health system. :grumble:

Pizza Delivery Workers Strike!

Oh no! How will the world ever get its pizza!?

Workers across the nation have gone out on indefinite strike over what they claim are substandard wages in the Pizza Delivery industry.

You work in the 'Pizza Delivery industry'. You knew what you were getting into.

"We are the backbone of this country,

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm sorry, I interrupted you. Go ahead.

and we demand a fair wage rise!" says union leader May Washington. "I don't think a 20% increase over two years is too much to ask. Unless the government forces employers to give us our due, we'll shut this whole industry down! Let's see how well Isafaro's economy manages without any Pizza Delivery, huh?"

NOT THE PIZZA! ANYTHING BUT THE PIZZA!

"We pay our employees very generous wages," says employer representative Peter Wall.

I don't believe you.

"Especially when you consider that without us, they'd be OUT ON THE STREET.

Why are you yelling? And why did you put a period after it? It should be an exclamation point. Go back to school!

Hear that, you scumbags? OUT ON THE STREET!

There ya go. See? You learn something new everyday.

Anyway, my point is,

You had a point?

if you cave in, you make our entire industry uncompetitive. You can't do that in the global marketplace. It'll hurt the whole country. The best solution, economically speaking,

Economically speaking. ;)

would be to relax industrial laws and allow us to fire troublemakers on the spot."

You. Are. A. PIZZA. Delivery. Service! You're like the lowest of the low. No one cares. Least of all me. DISMISSED!

"But, sir–!"

DISMISSED!

Cancer Sufferer Demands Euthanasia Bill

Way to bring the room down, guys.

Dorothy Terwilliger lies immobilized in a hospital bed, unable to move. She has end-stage cancer, and wishes to end her struggle against death. However, laws prevent her doctors from obeying her wishes.

Smurfing laws! Who even writes those, anyway?
...oh yeah.

Dorothy and her family are campaigning for a "Dying with Dignity" bill, to change this situation. She implores the government to legalize euthanasia.

REALLY bumming me out now.

"I understand this is a very difficult time for these people," says freelance medical writer Klaus Chandra. "But the solution is not to let our medical system slide down the slippery slope of killing people in pain. We must cure, not kill. This is not the right time for euthanasia."

How exactly do you plan to cure end-stage cancer? That seems pretty final there.

"I agree, but go further: there is never a right time for euthanasia," says Bishop Elaine Strange. "The lives we lead are given to us by the grace of God, and he decides when they end. It is not for us to question God's divine purpose, no matter how odd or screwed-up it may seem."

I'm sorry, do you know what 'irreverence' means? It's on the description of my country. It means a lack of respect for people or things that are generally taken seriously. Can you guess which one you are?

"A thing?"

That's right, and do you know what we do with things? THROW THEM INTO A FIRE! -activates trap door and sends the Bishop tumbling down into a fire pit-

Isafaro, there will be cake. :radred:

TO BE CONTINUED!
P.S: I passed the Dying with Dignity bill
P.P.S: No people of faith were harmed during the making of this post

Best LP Summer 2016.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bubba

Best LP Summer 2016.

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TRAITOR! :mad2:

i jk sorry.


Good stuff Ayen :)

Great stuff so far!

I think you're funny ha ha ha (tired at the moment, would've been more wordy otherwise)

Thank you! Thank you! I'm here all week.

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82 minutes ago: Following new legislation in Isafaro, euthanasia is legal.

Yay?

82 minutes ago: Following new legislation in Isafaro, elections have been outlawed.

Now, in light of this development, I want a giant statue of me crafted in Town Square. Gather all the women builders, I require they do this in bikinis! Don't tell my girlfriend.

82 minutes ago: Following new legislation in Isafaro, organ donation rates are among the lowest in the region.

WOOHOO! GO ISAFARO–! Oh, wait, that's bad. Shouldn't have pissed me off, Dr. Summers! I wonder if he's related to Buffy Summers? Or a Scott Summers? I hope not. I don't need stakes or lasers coming my way. I have far too many important things to do like... um... Like that thing. You know the thing. Everybody knows the thing!

82 minutes ago: Isafaro was reclassified from "Democratic Socialists" to "Iron Fist Socialists".

I like it. Iron Fist. It tells the world we mean business!

82 minutes ago: Isafaro's influence in The East Pacific rose from "Zero" to "Unproven".

Whatever that means.

Budget Time: Accountants Excited

Ugh! Only been a day and they already want more money from me.

It's time for the government to allocate spending for the coming year, and as always, special interest groups are keen to have their say.

But am I keen to listen? That's the real question here.

"The state of the education system is, in many areas, simply frightful," says Teachers Union leader Elizabeth Giono. "And even where we are doing well, we could do better. I appeal to the authorities for a substantial boost in funding. Remember, the children are our future."

You mean those four-legged monstrosities that poop, and puke, and cry, and leech off of their parents and society like a common insect? Those 'things' are our future? That's disgusting! I demand a refund!

"We won't have a future unless we improve police numbers and rebuild the military," says General Jamil Jefferson.

What? Did you not read the part about crime being nonexistent?

"Oh, it's all well and good to have your fancy education and your nice cars, until some tinpot dictatorship decides to invade. And don't pretend like there aren't any of them in our region. Our number one priority has to be security."

Do you even follow the news? We already ARE a dictatorship! Why would it matter to you guys if another one takes over? You'd literally be in the same situation you were before! God, do you think about the things that spews from your mouth or do you sprout it out all willy nilly? Don't answer that, it'll probably be as equally dumb as that entire paragraph. NEXT!

"Education is nice, but Health and Social Welfare are more important," says celebrity social worker Natalia Johnson. "This is where the people who really need government help are: the marginalized of our society. If we don't help them, what kind of a nation are we?"

A nation where 96% of its population get to live long enough to die of old age. Am I gonna have to start executing people who keep bringing up healthcare to me?

"Hey, I've got a crazy idea," says noted libertarian and bird-watcher Faith Lopez.

More crazier than these people? Let's hear it, then.

"How about the government stops taking so much tax from people? Give us a tax cut and we'll buy the things we need ourselves. People need to be weaned off the government teat!"

Hah! Haha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, Ms. Lopez, you were right. That is a crazy idea! How about this? I'll cut taxes the day YOU get Firefly renewed! Think you can do that? What's that? You can't? That's what I thought.

Personally, I don't give a trout about any of your problems. Hence the word 'Dictator'. DISMISS!

Before we wrap this up, there's something I want to show you guys. When you go into settings and go to themes, you can select a Liberal and Conservative theme. When you do this it strikes out what your country's category is and replaces it with one representative of the extremes of the left and right. Let's see what the liberals think of my country.

Equality and Tolerance Society

Kissing ass as usual, I see. How about the conservatives?

Inevitably Bloody Result of Liberal Ideals Mugged By Reality

Could you try not to sound so jealous there? Republi:bou::bou::bou::bou:s.

TO BE CONTINUED!

-wakes up to see what new issue he has today-

Child Casino Shock

You can already tell this is going to be a classic.

Children as young as eight have been spotted gambling in some of Isafaro's seedier casinos.

Get them while they're young, I say. Then they'll grow up and talk about how much better casinos were when they were kids.

Social activist Xu Nagasawa is outraged.

With a name like that, can you blame them?

"Gambling needs to be outlawed immediately. It's no wonder children are becoming sucked into the vice, with adults setting such a poor example. Gambling is a stain on Isafaro's international reputation and it must be stopped!"

Don't you think that's a little bit hypocritical? I mean, you supported sending teenagers into a war zone for money because some soldiers wanted to air a live television broadcast. I don't think you have any right to complain about them gambling.

However, Crown Casino chairperson Sashona O says, "What's wrong with children gambling? It prepares them for the realities of life, teaching them that success or failure is not due to hard work or intelligence, but the roll of the dice. Besides, if kids weren't gambling, they'd be spray painting trains."

This is true. It's not like children are individuals. They just feel the sudden compulsion to vandalize private property if we don't keep them preoccupied with something else. Like cellphones. That's right, the entire mobile market is based around keeping kids from spray painting trains, or being the least bit productive. CELLPHONES FOR EVERYONE!

You know what? If a child want to put their piggy bank on the line, who am I to stand in their way? UNDERAGE GAMBLING FOR ALL!

TO BE CONTINUED!

Little Jimmy wins $3M which he can't spend as he doesn't have a bank account. He also wins a new car that he can't drive and a night with the casino hooker... where they'll probably just play Connect4 all night.

All of the underage gambling!

19 hours ago: Following new legislation in Isafaro, young children are regularly seen wagering pocket money at blackjack tables.

Huh, they can't be lasting long at the blackjack table with short change.

19 hours ago: Isafaro was reclassified from "Iron Fist Socialists" to "Libertarian Police State".

Aww!

The hard-nosed, cynical population of 7 million Isafaroans are proud of their wide-ranging civil freedoms, and those who aren't tend to be dragged off the streets by men in dark suits and hustled into cars with tinted windows.

Nothing to see here, people! Move along!

My economy has improved and, wait.

Heart Disease 41%
Murder 5.5%

WHAT THE SMURF HAPPENED TO MY PERFECT DEATH COUNT? Oh, you just think you're SOOOOO clever, don't you, Dr. Summers?

Appointment Of Spiritual Advisor

We have a Spiritual Advisor?

It's time for the government to hire a new religious advisor. Your people have narrowed down the candidates to:

I'm pretty sure I had elections outlawed. What the smurf?

Catholic Archbishop Klaus Johnson: boasts an excellent track record, having rapidly increased church attendances in his constituencies through the "Reaching God Through Guilt" program. Seen as a solid choice.

Because nothing says love and forgiveness like making you feel bad about your personal choices. Keep it real, Klaus!

New Age thinker Colin Lopez: a left-field candidate with some radical ideas. "For me, it's not about the name of your religion. It's about discovering your spirituality in whatever guise that takes. Some people call that a cult: I call it taking spirituality to the people."

That... actually sounds perfectly rational. People have a strange definition of 'radical'. I mean, we have kids gambling in casinos. I don't think the bar is particularly high right now.

Finally, there's Sarah Rikkard. "If I am awarded the appointment, I will immediately resign," the ex-schoolteacher has declared.

Then why are you running? That makes about as much sense as a political party somewhere wanting to leave the union of the very government they're working to get a seat in so they'll be out of a job immediately afterwords if they actually keep their promise. The hell is wrong with you?

"Because, frankly, God is a big load of hokey. I'll be doing everyone a favor by just shutting up about it."

Ohhhhhhhh! You're one of them. ….going with the atheist.

Vultures On The Dinner Table?

Those assholes always breaking the dishes and getting their feathers everywhere.

In a bid to provide a new revenue stream for Isafaro's Beef-Based Agriculture industry, it has been suggested that Vultures could be added to the menu.

You... you want to eat the vultures?

"The fact is, the Vulture population is out of control," says Beef-Based Agriculture spokesperson Hillary al-Zahawi. "We have to do something about them anyway, so why not market them as tasty snacks? We could have Vulture kebabs, Vulture pies, Vulture-on-a-sticks--the possibilities are endless! Let's not pass up this golden opportunity to provide a feast, if you will, for our economy."

:Oo:

"I agree that something needs to be done about Vulture over-population," says random passer-by Lucas de Groot, "but eating them? That's kind of gross. Let's just shoot the ones we have to and shovel their bodies into ditches like normal."

I'm sorry, care to repeat that? All I heard was, “I am Groot.”

"I am shocked and appalled!" declared SPCA President Randy Mistletoe. "If anyone needs to be culled, it's us humans. The Vultures were here first, remember? We need to take this as a sign to get our industry--agriculture in particular--to back off. The Vulture is part of what makes Isafaro a great nation!"

Yeah, I'm gonna go with the SPCA President person. The rest of you are horrible, horrible people, and will now get to decide your own execution. Your following options are:

The Electric Chair
Lethal Injection
Gas Chamber
The Firing Squad
Hangings
Beheading
Crucifixion
Burnt at the Stake

If you do not choose an execution method within 24 hours one will be provided to you by random selection.

Goodnight, Isafaro! May a flight of Vultures lead thee to thy rest.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ayen

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82 minutes ago: Following new legislation in Isafaro, euthanasia is legal.

Yay?

82 minutes ago: Following new legislation in Isafaro, elections have been outlawed.

Now, in light of this development, I want a giant statue of me crafted in Town Square. Gather all the women builders, I require they do this in bikinis! Don't tell my girlfriend.

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ayen

Children as young as eight have been spotted gambling in some of Isafaro's seedier casinos.

Get them while they're young, I say. Then they'll grow up and talk about how much better casinos were when they were kids.

Social activist Xu Nagasawa is outraged.

With a name like that, can you blame them?

---

Ok, I think the whole "not telling the girlfriend" ship has sailed lol

I think youre very very funny (well obviously) :-D

Where's The Love Gone?

It's in my pants. :jokey:

Last night the respected tabloid TV show "60 Minutes" ran a report on Isafaro's rising divorce rate. What is happening to the nuclear family?

How can you be a TV show AND a tabloid? Stop being so greedy 60 Minutes!

"There's a simple solution," says Pastor Felix, of the Catholic Church. "Divorce should be illegal. 'For better or worse,' anyone remember how that goes? We should return to the good old days, when you got married for life and stuck by your partner no matter how much of a drunken, abusive, adulterating disappointment they turned out to be."

Speaking from personal experience by any chance?

John Black, author of the hit book, 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Some Whole Other Place,' has a simpler solution. "If couples would just call each other 'darling' once in a while, there would be far fewer relationship breakdowns. A little affection is all it takes. So the government should make it mandatory: call your spouse 'darling' at least once a day, or face a fine."

H-how the hell would you expect us to regulate that? Do you think we should just go door to door asking people if they called their spouse 'darling' that day? Because it's not like I have anything better to do with my time. Jesus Christ you're dumber than the catholic!

"There's a simple way to boost the marriage rate," says gay rights activist Chloe Smith. "Abolish those archaic laws that discriminate against same-sex marriages. It's obscene to treat people differently because of their sexual preference. Besides, everyone knows gay relationships are more stable than straight ones."

So, my choices are outlaw divorce, enforce pet names, or legalize gay marriage?

Well, I guess the choice is obvious, then. We'll outlaw divorce!

I'm kidding! Let the gays marry. Then their happiness will quickly come to an end! :smug:

Cash For Colons?

Nothing good can ever come from this title.

Hospitals have requested that they be allowed to pay people for donating blood and other bodily organs, such as kidneys.

I admit, I had a different mental image going into this one.

"We remain critically short of blood plasma and various organs," says Isafaro One hospital administrator Ryan Winters.

Winter is coming! :stare:

"Especially hearts. A good heart is hard to find. But if we were allowed to pay for donations, we'd get more of them and could save more lives. Plus the donor takes home a few hundred Credits in compensation. Unless it's a post-mortem donation, of course. In that case we'd pay the family."

Sounds good. What says the opposition?

"Great idea," says social commentator Matilda Yeats.

Well, in that case–

"Except for one thing.

Ugh.

You know who's going to be selling their organs? Poor people!

:eek:

They'll be so desperate for money that they'll sell their own kidneys.

:erm:

Well, a kidney.

Nice save.

This is just another way for the rich to buy themselves a better life at the expense of the poor. It must be outlawed."

Thank you very much... for wasting my time! Men, give Yeats 99 lashes with the whip.

"YES SIR!"

Matilda Yeats: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

God, I missed the screams.

TO BE CONTINUED!

UGH WHY DID YOU MAKE THIS AN LP

I WISH IT WAS LIKE A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO WHEN WE ALL STARTED OUR OWN NATION STATE (also I am doing this very thing rn)

Same-sex marriages? What blasphemy is this??

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Bubba

Same-sex marriages? What blasphemy is this??

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Following new legislation in https://www.nationstates.net/images/...__669258t2.pngIsafaro, the nation's official head of religious affairs is an atheist.

:smug:

Following new legislation in Isafaro, the Vulture is a protected species.

Damn right it is!

Following new legislation in Isafaro, same-sex marriages are increasingly common.

That's right, everybody get their gay on! I WANT A PYRAMID OF GUYS AND GALS GETTING IT ON AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Following new legislation in Isafaro, college students make ends meet by selling their kidneys.

Times are tough.

Isafaro's influence in The East Pacific rose from "Unproven" to "Hatchling".

Yes. Soon we'll rise above all the other puny countries and become the world's number one super power! ONWARD TO VICTORY!

Too Much Yakking, Already, Say Delegation

Excuse me I do not yakk! That is so rude!

Some people say Isafaro's policy on free speech has gone too far.

Damn you freedom! How many innocent people have to suffer before we rid of you for good!?

"These days, anyone says whatever they want with no regard to what kind of dribble is coming out of their mouths!" says angry commuter Josh Goethe.

Case in point, Donald Trump.

"It's gone too far. We should go back to the good old days, when if someone started talking garbage, we'd smack them one."

Can I smack Donald Trump?

"We need more free speech, not less," argues civil rights campaigner Megan Dubois. "Free speech allows ideas to be explored, challenged, and discussed in a productive, open forum. It teaches our kids to be critical thinkers. And dirty words, of course, but that's just the price you pay."

Smurf trout damn bastard bitch ass :bou::bou::bou::bou:!

"The right to free speech is a central tenet of our system of democracy," says religious leader Prudence Purpose.

I feel a but coming on -- WAIT A MINUTE THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY!

"But

Knew it.

surely the right to not have your religious beliefs mocked by others is worth something, too? We mustn't put up with intolerance!"

But I like making fun of you.
It gives me pleasure.
Like eating mass amount of stuffing and mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving Day!

Give the kids more freedom to say bad words!

Citizens Struggle Under "Unfair" Tax Burden

What!? My taxes are plenty fair!

A recent poll has revealed high levels of dissatisfaction among the populace about tax rates.

You want dissatisfaction? Try being a twenty-six year old virgin! Not that I have any experience with that or anything. STOP LOOKING AT ME WITH THAT FACE!

"Do you know how much of my year's work goes to the government?" demanded angry worker Rochelle Delauter.

20,000 credits. And I assure you they're going to a good cause.
Me.

"Too much! Government spending has gotten way out of control. It needs big cuts in welfare, health, and education. But leave those subsidies to business alone. We need them to create jobs."

Why are those three always the first things you people want to cut!?

"It's not the AMOUNT of tax, it's where the burden falls," says student activist Sue-Ann Trax. "And at the moment, far too much of the burden is falling on the poor. People on high incomes still have more money than people on low incomes. I don't think I need to say anything more than that."

What the smurf? I thought I was already taxing the rich?

"I don't object to the amount of tax, I object to where it's being spent," says social reformer Aaron Pushkin. "I'd like to see everyone have a choice as to where their Credits go every time they fill out a tax return. Everyone would feel a lot better about opening their wallets if they had a say as to where the money went. I think you'd see a lot more public money going to education and a lot less to business."

The cynic in me disagrees, and besides I can't go having people think this is a democracy or something. I'm god and king around here!

TAX THE RICH!

Auto Industry Struggles Against Foreign Imports

FOREIGNERS!

Cheap, foreign-made cars are becoming increasingly popular, causing concern in Isafaro's automobile manufacturing industry.

Curses! Another Isafaroan job outsourced to China!

"Unless this government does something, Isafaro won't have an auto industry for much longer," says auto industry union boss Evan Johnson, in a rare public appearance alongside management. "These foreign companies employ people for a few Credits a day. The only way to level the playing field is to raise tariffs. The government would make more money, too, so it's win-win."

I do like making money. You make a strong case, sir.

"For once, I agree with my grubby colleague here," says General Chassis CEO Ryan Cruz. "Although I have to say, tariffs aren't the only answer. A more effective solution would be to abolish minimum wage laws. Now that would level the playing field. And we'd be able to employ more--argh, let go of my throat!"

Hah! That's what you get for sharing a surname with Ted Cruz.

"I think we need to face facts," says noted economist and chat-show regular Finlay Rikkard. "We live in a global economy now, and automobile manufacturing just isn't Isafaro's strong suit. There's no point taking money from taxpayers in order to line the pockets of a few greedy workers and corrupt managers in a doomed industry. Let the market take its--argh, let go of my throat!"

Okay, will someone find the guy who keeps grabbing everyone's throats pleases!?

How dare you imply that Isafaro doesn't know how to make cars! We love making cars! Cars making is one of our better markets! GIVE MOAR MONEY TO THE BUSINESSES!

TO BE CONTINUED!

Watch out, this is gonna be a long one.

1 day 7 hours ago: Following new legislation in Isafaro, high-income earners pay a 100% tax rate.

Sticking it to the one percent!

1 day 7 hours ago: Following new legislation in Isafaro, punitive tariffs protect local industry.

I don't know what any of those words mean.

1 day 7 hours ago: Following new legislation in Isafaro, Isafaro's children are widely acknowledged as the most foul-mouthed in the region.

WOOHOO!

People Request Not So Much Dictatorship, If That's All Right

Oh, I'm sorry, is my dictatorship inconveniencing you?

While effusively praising Isafaro's leadership and bowing repeatedly, a delegation has humbly requested that the government take a more "modernistic" view in the future.

Bow like you mean it, swine! I am your master, AND YOU ARE MY SLAVES!

The High Minister for Finance, who also happens to be your brother, dismisses the claim.

OH MY GOD MY BROTHER'S A TURIAN!

"What these people fail to realize is that you know what's best for them. The alternative is anarchy! I say stick to your course. And execute these wackos for treason."

I do enjoy killing people. Especially when they disagree with me. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

"Perhaps the people could be given some more political freedoms," muses your Chief of Staff, who is your sister.

I have a sister?

"Is there really such harm in allowing public discussion of ideas? We could even have a real Opposition Party. One that isn't just full of your puppets, I mean."

Huh, well I guess no harm would come from – wait...

FLASHBACK!

"Final Fantasy VII is a terrible game, the battle system is horrid, the graphics are dated, and the controls are clunky.”

NOW

KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL! I WANT TO DINE IN THEIR BLOOD!

Military Demands Increased Spending

Who are you to demand anything of me?

"These are turbulent times we live in," says Defense Chief Louis Cohen. "Turbulent and dangerous. And the only sensible response to that, of course, is to build a lot more weapons. Unless we get the funding we need, I can't promise that we'll be able to defend Isafaro's sovereign borders from rogue nations and foreign powers. Or those leaky boatloads of refugees, for that matter."

It's always a leaky boat of refugees. WHEN WILL IT END?

"NO MORE BOMBS," chant the protestors outside Parliament House, in a repetitious and increasingly annoying appeal. Spokesperson Howard Obama,

THANKS OBAMA!

speaking through a feedback-afflicted microphone, says, "Isafaro needs fewer weapons, not more! Make the world a safer place! Disarm now!"

I never thought I'd get to say these words in a game, but... KILL OBAMA! BUTCHER HIM LIKE A DOG!

Harry Potter Censorship Row

What year is this, 2012?

The latest "Harry Potter" book to hit schools across Isafaro has stirred up the greatest controversy yet.

Really, that's the greatest controversy yet? Not the kids gambling? Not the fact the Spiritual Adviser is an atheist? THAT! Someone need to sort out their priorities.

"I quite enjoyed the book, until I got to the part where Harry summons evil demons to do his bidding," says religious leader George W. Taffs.

Ugh, again with the religious. And what kind of a name is Taffs? It's like you want us to make fun of you!

"Now that's just wrong. We need to restore some sense to this debate, by which I mean we should remove this book from the shelves, salt it thoroughly, and burn it."

Nuke it from orbit. Only way to be sure.

Teachers union President Bianca Jefferson says, "Come on, the book is fantasy! And it's a damn good read. I'd like the government to issue a statement of support for our teachers and librarians, so kids can enjoy good books without interference from religious wackos, like Christians."

But do I have to write the statement myself?

"You can have someone write it for you, sir."

Okay, good. I was worried there for a minute.

Nudists Demand Time In Sun

What?

A loose coalition of sartorially-challenged individuals known as "Let It All Hang Out" has called on the government to relax public nudity laws.

Oh sweet mother of God!

"For too long, our bodies have been trapped in these prisons of cotton and polyester!" yells protester Naki Christmas, while apparently developing a nasty case of sunburn.

Haven't you ever heard of suntan lotion?

"We must repeal the puritanical laws that make public nudity a crime. My body--my choice to dangle!"

Gross.

"I agree," muses sociology professor Larry Li. "But I don't think the protestors are going far enough. Public nudity shouldn't be an option: it should be compulsory. Nudity is highly liberating. And it would put that disgusting "Hooters" out of business once and for all."

Wait, what?

"Whoa, whoa," says noted accountant Doris Han. "Are these people serious? The last thing I want to see when I'm out for a coffee is some lumbering, over-weight nudist coming down the sidewalk toward me. If people want to get naked, they can do it in the privacy of their own homes. Think of the children!"

You mean the children who are foul-mouthed and gamble? They'll be fine.

Let's see here...
….
….
….
….
….

MANDATORY NUDITY FOR EVERYBODY!

Uranium Deposit Promises To Enrich Isafaro

I like where this is going.

Prospecting company Nukes4U has uncovered a large uranium deposit in Isafaro's south-west.

That's an interesting name you have there. You stay up all night working on it?

"This is a terrific find!" claims Nukes4U CEO Buffy Lee.

Slay any vampires lately, Buffy? I'm sorry, you probably get that all the time.

"It will provide an enormous stimulus to our economy and create thousands of new jobs. It's win-win! All we need from the government is permission to bulldoze the rainforest that's on top of the deposit."

You mean I get nukes AND can get rid of that smurfing rainforest!? Well, I say–!

"You've got to be kidding," says Green politician Zack True.

Oh, goddammit!

"This rainforest is thousands of years old! This country needs more environmental protection, not less. And to destroy the environment in order to mine uranium that then goes into nuclear bombs--well, that really sticks in my craw."

But nuclear bombs are fun. You get to blow trout up with them. Think of all the wars we could wage!

"There's no need for an either-or decision," says the government's Minister for Mining, Clear-Felling, and the Environment. "We can preserve most of the rainforest and allow mining of a small part. After all, think of all the good that the money from this uranium deposit can bring to Isafaro."

Hm, well that sounds like a perfectly reasonable compromise that would make both parties happy...

BULLDOZE THE RAINFOREST!

TO BE CONTINUED!

Harry Potter and the Minions of the Anti-Christ

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Bubba

Harry Potter and the Minions of the Anti-Christ

---

That does it, I'm hiring you, Sephex, and Psychotic as my comedy writers. From now on I will be the funniest dictator in the world. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! -cough-

Following new legislation in Isafaro, political activists are routinely executed.

Kill them all, let God sort them out.

Following new legislation in Isafaro, the latest Harry Potter book is a bestseller.

Personally, I'm still waiting for the Hermione Granger spinoff books.

Following new legislation in Isafaro, military spending is on the increase.

Enjoy your number one spot while you can, America, because Isafaro's coming for you!

Isafaro was reclassified from "Libertarian Police State" to "Father Knows Best State".

That's right, kids. Father knows best.

Following new legislation in Isafaro, public nudity is compulsory.

That goes for tourists, too. So take it off, Ms. Watson.

Following new legislation in Isafaro, the country's famous rainforests are being bulldozed by the mining industry.

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Isafaro's national animal is the Vulture, which can occasionally be seen dodging aircraft in the nation's cities.

You go, Vulture! I think I'll name my army after you. Yes, yes The Crimson Vulture. Has a nice ring to it.

Leading Cause of Death
Sunburn 1.9%

-facepalm- Seriously, is it that hard to put on sunblock?

Minorities Demand Representation In TV Soaps

Oh, and here we go!

Isafaro's TV soaps--famous around the region--have come under fire for their lack of ethnic diversity.

We will not rest until every ethic group has been featured on this show! EQUALITY WOOHOO!

"Every night my family and I sit down to watch 'The Brash and the Backstabbing'," says Ali Eliot. "But where are the Lilliputians like myself? Where are the Bigtopians? The Marche Noirians? People from those cultures can be just as brash and backstabbing, but we never see them on the screen. The government must act to remove this silent apartheid from our TV screens."

You're upset because your ethnic group ISN'T backstabbing people on TV? What? I – I don't understand. Perhaps my men have been beating people over the head too hard out here.

"Those Lilliputians don't know how good they have it," says Mary Christensen, spokesperson for the Tasmanians Against Ethnic Stereotyping. "Tasmanians are on television all the time, but always in crude, stereotypical roles. The answer is not to enforce ethnic quotas, but to award government prizes for the positive portrayal of minorities. That'll work better, and be cheaper, too."

You want me to give awards for what now?

"The government should do what now?" says TV studio executive Imogen Vulture.[/i]

I like this person. Something about them pleases me.

"You've got to be kidding. We make soaps here, not documentaries. I should be able to put whichever characters I want into my shows. Quotas! Government prizes! God save me! Hasn't the government got anything better to do? Why don't they just back off and let society work out these things on its own?"

Less work for me. You have a deal, sir!

Genetics Brings New Life to Extinct Species

Jeff Goldblum senses tingling!

Scientists have announced they are close to a breakthrough in their quest to revive the feather-bellied Vulture, a species related to Isafaro's national animal that has been extinct for more than a century.

I'll love it when it works.

"I, for one, applaud their work," says scientist Ella Wong. "And not just because I'm the project leader. This is an example of how Isafaro's brains can mix it with the world's best. Can you imagine how wonderful it will be to have feather-bellied Vultures frolicking in the meadows again? I say full steam ahead, and more government funding!"

Oh, yeah. Oooh, ahhh, that's how it always starts. Then later there's running and um, screaming.

"This is a sacrilege!" says religious leader Jake Chen. "These animals are extinct because God wants them dead. Cloning them would merely incur his wrath! If we proceed down this path, it'll be humans, not the feather-bellied Vulture, who will be extinct."

I'll tell you what you NEED, a good anti-psychotic!

"Now, come on," says Freddy Brown, well-known philosopher. "You don't need to be religious to be unnerved by the top of this particular slippery slope. Today it's Vultures, tomorrow it's dinosaurs, and we all know how that turns out. This research shouldn't be banned, but there must be strict government controls over its use."

If I may... Um, I'll tell you the problem with the scientific power that you're using here, it didn't require any discipline to attain it. You read what others had done and you took the next step. You didn't earn the knowledge for yourselves, so you don't take any responsibility for it. You stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as you could, and before you even knew what you had, you patented it, and packaged it, and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now you're selling it, you wanna sell it. Well...

Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn't stop to think if they should.

TO BE CONTINUED!