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Once this dude decided to paint the letter S all over his race car.
When his friends asked, "Dude, why?"
He replied, "Because when I drive by, I want people to say, 'Look at that S Car Go!'"
Get it? S Car Go. Escargo. I'm funnier than a boot to the head, eh?
Are you?
I heard a good Yo Mama joke the other day. Even though I hate Yo Mama jokes I thought it was pretty good.
Yo' Mama's so old she was waiting tables at the Last Supper.
Made me laugh.
Why did the Chicken cross the road? :confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by Martyr
So he could use his AK-47 Assault Rifle to pump Martyr full o' lead :shoot:
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He, he, he! I am funny! :chuckle:
What's black and loud?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
No, no, no! It wasn't "this dude," it was a snail! How the hell is it funny unless its a snail?Quote:
Originally Posted by Martyr
Anyway:
Sherlock Holmes seems really smart, but a lot of the stuff he knows is, in his own words, "elementary."
Hot dogs must be pretty popular in San Francisco.
I'm as sharp as a lightbulb and bright as a whip.
The difference between boys and girls: boys play tag, girls play tag sale.
Evolution is wrong. No way we evolved from monkeys, they evolved from us!
Mary stole the sheep from Little Bo Peep.
Here's a random one from my big book of jokes:
Three Australians - Bruce, Bill and Herbie - were sitting in a bar in the Outback. Bruce and Bill were easy-going guys, but Herbie had a speech impediment which made him bad-tempered. As they were drinking, who should walk in but Red Adair, the famous oil well firefighter!
Bruce recognized him immediately. "Look," he said. "It's Red Adair."
"Yeah, that's right," agreed Bill.
"No way," barked Herbie "That's not Red Adair."
"Trust me," insisted Bruce. "It is."
"Sorry, Herbie," said Bill. "But I'm with Bruce on this one. It is Red Adair."
"No it's not," said Herbie, becoming more aggressive by the minute.
"It is Red Adair," said Bruce.
"Yeah, it is," echoed Bill.
Herbie slammed his fist down on the table. "No, it's not. I'm telling you, I know what Red Adair looks like. I've seen every picture he made with Ginger Rogers."
A series of music jokes:
A guy goes to a phsychiartist and says
"doctor i feel like a guitar"
and the psychiartrist says
"theres no need to fret"
what do you call 2 hyrdroxides that like music?
Double Bass
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat Minor
How do you make a guitarist scream?
tighten thier g string
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Simple. Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame unique rabbit?
Tame way! Unique up on it.
What does an eskimo get from sitting on an iceberg all day?
Polaroids.
I didn't get any of those jokes... ¬_¬
Q. Why did the bird fly into the tree?
A. Because he was blind.
So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put
it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and
on.
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
A man from Cincinnati died and went to Hell. As the Devil walked around one day he ran into the man wearing a huge smile on his face and asked, "Why are you wearing a t-shirt and that stupid smile? This is Hell, you're supposed to be hot and miserable down here!"
The man replied, "Ah, Hell ain't that bad. I'm from Cincinnati. The summer sun up there is really scorching. This is nothing by comparison."
The Devil walked away puzzled thinking to himself, "I'll fix this." So the Devil goes to the furnace and turns it up to 'high.' A few days later the Devil finds the man from Cincinnati standing around with his shirt off but still with a smile on his face.
"What's wrong with you!" The Devil says. "Aren't you hot yet?"
"Nah," says the man, "This reminds me of the days in my youth when I used to work in the field with my brother harvesting corn. Thanks for reminding me, I hadn't thought about him in a long time!"
That really ticks off the Devil. "I'll make him miserable one way or another," he thinks. So he goes to the furnace and turns it off, and decides to turn on the Air Conditioner to 'MAX.' A few days later he tracks down the man from Cincinnati, which turned out not to be all that hard to do because he was jumping and screaming like mad. The Devil in his sinister way walks up to the man. "Hehehehe! You're miserable now aren't you!" he cackles.
"Hell no!" says the man. "I've never been happier! THE BENGALS WON THE SUPER BOWL!"
why did the chicken cross the road
to get to the other side :eep:
i sometimes find that funny, i have to be in the right mood, im not, but the shear dumbness of that joke is enough to make me laugh
Did you hear about the person suffering from cancer?
He died.
Anti-joke, har.
How many Martyrs does it take to kill an Old Manus?
AnswerNone, Christmas already killed him.
Is that all you people got?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ender
Oh yeah, I remember that! :eek:
Yeah, I got pwned that day :(
i read this one was on a birthday card that i bought my mate once
a city becomes flooded during a storm and a man climbs up onto his roof to escape the rising water. But he is now trapped and has no way of getting out of the flood.
A lifeboat sails past and they call to the man on the roof.
'Jump in the boat and we'll get you to safety'
the man replys:
'no, its okay, The Lord God will save me from this flood'
after a few minutes, the life boat sails away, leaving the man on his roof.
about an hour later, the storm is still raging on and the water level is still rising, but the man is still on his roof. A group of people in a fishing boat row past and call to him:
'hey there, jump in this boat with us and we can take you out of the storm and this flood'
to which the man replys:
'no, the Lord will save me, just you wait see'
But the people in the fishing boat do not wait and row away.
Another hour later, the storm is still going on and the water is higher still. A rescue helicopter looking for survivours flies past and spots the man on the roof. they call down to him usin a loud speaker:
'hey, we'll drop you a ladder and you can climb up into this helicopter, you'll die if you stay there much longer'
to which the man replyed:
'No, i will not die, the Lord will see to that, he will save me from this flood'
half an hour later, the guy died. he goes to heaven and sees Saint Peter standing next to the gates. the man asks the saint:
'excuse me, i have been a religious man all my life and have not commited any sins or broken a single commandment, how come the Good Lord did not save me?'
To which Saint Peter replies:
'blo*dy hell man, he sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?'
well...i thought it was good :D?
-Gull-
Blond joke coming right up.
A blonde goes to see her doctor, she's suffered quite bad burns to both sides of her face, the doctor asks her "How did you burn your face?"
The blonde blushes a little, "I was doing the ironing when the phone rang, so I answered the iron by mistake."
The doctor makes a note, "What about the other side."
"They called back."
That's very similar to the Stevie Wonder joke I keep hearing...
What's brown and sticky?
(SPOILER)a stick.
It´s just something to think about:
If everybody was different, wouldn't they all be the same, because they are all different?
now think about it.
A blonde and a brunette jump off a cliff. which one hits the ground first?
(SPOILER)the brunette, the blonde has to stop to ask for directions
the next one might be offensive to somepeople
What do you get if you cross Arnie and Michael Jackson?
(SPOILER)Michael Wasanigger
whats his catchphrase?
(SPOILER)I'll be black
Quote:
Originally Posted by Billy Connelly
MY SCREEN NAME JUST SAW YOUR FACE
thats a good one.
This one's really offensive, so unless you're very thick skinned, don't read it!
[leeza]*snip*
If you know it's offensive, don't post it. ~ Leeza[/leeza]
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
eh?
Here's a joke:
The Playstation 3!
hahaha, I kill me.
lol *appaulds*Quote:
Originally Posted by fire_of_avalon
omg blond joek1111
Two blondes go out hunting and soon they come upon some tracks.
Blonde #1 says: "I think they're deer tracks!"
Blonde #2 says: "No, I think they're bear tracks!"
Blonde #1 says: "No! They're deer tracks!"
Blonde #2 says: "I sayed that they were bear tracks!"
While they were arguing they got hit by a train.
A joke for the smart people here:
One guys goes in a bar and says, "I want some H2O" The bartender gives him his drinks, he drinks it, and feels refreshed.
Another guy says, "I want some H2O too" The bartender gives him his drink, he drinks it, and dies.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
Christopher Walken.
Oh, yes. That took me a while to get.Quote:
Originally Posted by Evastio
Why did the Blonde stare at the Orange Juice ?
Because it said concentrate.
This thread asks 2 questions.
What is the best joke you've ever heard...
And what is the worst joke you've ever heard?
I can't pick a best, but the worst is definitly when someones joke is failing so they yell out your mom.
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."
"OH DEAR GOD NO," Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President, devastated, looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion??!"
My Chem teacher told me a funny music joke.
A man went to the grave of Bethoveen and saw him erasing his famous music. The man asked him what he was doing, and Bethoveen replied: "I'm decomposing!"
How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
By drawning it
How does a blonde try to kill a bird?
By throwing it off a cliff
What's the difference between bigfoot and an intellegent blonde?
People have claimed to see bigfoot
How do you kill a blonde?
By placing a mirror at the bottom of a pool
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they ARRR.
Two muffins in an oven.
Muffin no.1: God, it's hot in here!
Muffin no.2: AAARRGGHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!
What do you call a broken boomerang?
A stick.
And my favourite,
3 penguins in a bath, one of them says "pass the soap"
....BA DUM CHSHHH...
I'm the worst person for remembering jokes. You could tell me a joke and I'd forget it 20 minutes later! :jess:
Arf :D Damn my chemistry GCSE
Another geek one:
There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Ok here ya go it' might be a little offensive though so correct me if it shouldn't be on here.
(SPOILER)So there's this little boy walking down the street. Behind him he's dragging a dead frog by a string. He goes In the grocrey store, still draging the frog. He goes downtown, still has the frog. He goes to a "lady of the night" house, dragging the frog. He goes up to the counter, "I want you're most diseased girl you have."
The lady at the counter looks at him wired but gives him a room anyway. He comes out a little while later and she asks, "Why'd you do that boy? You just threw your life away."
He looks at her and sighs, "Well i'm going to go home and ___ my babysitter. Then my dad will take my babysitter home and before she goes inside my dad will ___ her. My dad will then come back home and ____ my mom. Who the next day will ___ the mailman. And that's the guy who ran over my frog."
I think you should know what the blanks are.
I made this one up. (as far as I know.)
How did the Asian feel when he came to America?
Disoriented.
That made me laugh. o_oQuote:
Originally Posted by Evastio
Same here. Good one.Quote:
Originally Posted by KyriThat made me laugh. o_oQuote:
Originally Posted by Evastio
If you play satanic music backwards, do you get hymns?
Sign for the Good Health Store: Cigarettes Sold Here
(seriously, not making it up)
I vehemently oppose prostitution. Why should I pay? Whatever happened to free love?
A woman was upset because her husband wouldn't have sex with her. So she starts thinking and comes up with an answer. " I'm going to buy the sexiest lingerie and then he will want me." She goes up to her husband and asks for $200 so she could go shopping for something sexy. At the lingerie store the woman sees that all the items are very sheer. So she thinks to herself " I could just stand in front of him naked and the old fool won't know the difference. So she keeps the money for herself and comes home. "Are you ready for this honey" the woman ask. The husband says "yes", so she comes down and stands in front of him. "What do you think?" asks the woman. The man replies, " well for $200 they could have at least ironed the damn thing."
Not the best, but whatever.
That fits my sense of humour. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by Imperfectionist
Why did the cow moo?
(SPOILER)Because it's a cow.
OK here's one of mine, I can't remember it perfectly:
Three guys reached heaven at the same time. St. Peter asks them all to tell him how they died. The first man said, "I suspected that my wife was having an affair, so I came home early from work one day. My wife was there on the bed, but there wasn't anyone else there. I went out to the balcony, and found a man hanging from it. I took a hammer and bashed his hands until he let go and fell. I looked down and saw that he wasn't dead yet, so I lifted up our fridge and dropped it on him. The effort caused me to have a fatal heart attack." St. Peter turned to the second man. "What about you?" He replied, "I was exercising on my balcony when I lost my balance and fell off. I managed to grab on to the balcony below me, but then this crazy guy comes and starts smashing my fingers with a hammer. I fall to the ground, but amazingly, I'm OK. Then a fridge comes down and crushes me." St. Peter said to the third man. "And you?" "Well..." the third man said, "I was hiding in a refridgerator...":p
Your mom is so fat, she puts mayonnaise on her aspirin.
Your mom is so fat, her blood-type is rague.
Your mom is so ugly, the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hit by a train.
-EDIT-
This one is for those geniouses out there.
What do you call a school of nerds?
A google...100 zero's. Meh.
Haha not bad Rye.
Seeing as good jokes are already being done, I'll tell you the bad jokes.
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What do you call a man in a bed of dry leaves?
Russell.
What do you call a fisherman's wife?
Annette.
Oh, please. "Your Mom" is awesome.
So's your face :bigsmile:Quote:
Originally Posted by roto13-ness
best
I can't think of a worst off hand. I tend to phase out poor humour.
Two lions walking down Oxford Street. One says to the other: "It's quiet for a Saturday."
my god they were hilariousQuote:
Originally Posted by Omni Legacy
i have another one, i cant remember it all though:
a panda with a gun walks into a pub, it asks for some crisps, eats them, and started firing his gun whilst killing a few people probly, and left.
the bartender got a dictionary, and looked up panda, it said- panda-eats shoots and leaves.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Devil ManWhy did the Chicken cross the road? :confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by Martyr
So he could use his AK-47 Assault Rifle to pump Martyr full o' lead :shoot:
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He, he, he! I am funny! :chuckle:
your about as funny as a case of rabies....and no that wasnt the joke!
the joke is - there was a guy who was put into prison for multiple counts of bestiality and was put in a cell with an animal loving murderer. when the animal loving murderer heard of what the guy got put in prison for he exclaimed "How low could you go!" the guy dryly replied "the jack russel"
Merged the two joke threads we had going on here. And to not make this post a complete waste of space:
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the
emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her
husband!"
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE STD? :bigsmile:
LEVIAN.
A duck walks into a bar and says "Gimme some chapstick and put it on my bill."
Aha....
A duck walks into a bar. Says "Got any bread?"
"No," says the barman, and the duck walks off.
Duck comes back next day, "got any bread?"
"Didn't I tell you yesterday?" says the barman, "NO!" - duck walks off.
Third day - "got any bread"
"Look, I'm getting tired of this. NO, we don't have any bread. GO AWAY." - duck walks off.
Fourth day - "got any bread?"
"Right," says the barman, "I'm smurfing sick of this. If you ask me that one more time, I'll nail your beak to the bar!" - duck walks off.
Fifth day - "got any nails?"
Barman looks confused. "Erm, no?"
"Good," says the duck.
(SPOILER)"Got any bread?"
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to put up a picture of Jesus.
Heres a Resident Evil 4 joke
Leon runs into the merchant at the castle
Leon: Why can't you just give me the rocket launcher
Merchant: cause dumbass, Rocket launchers cost money, and I need money
Leon: Then why don't I just use the shotgun to blow your brains out
Merchant: cause I'm an NPC, you can't kill NPCs
Leon: watch me
Leon fires shotgun round at merchant...nothing happens
Merchant pulls out extra shotgun and kills Leon
YOU ARE DEAD *don't screw with the merchant*
One time, a cop tazered this one kid. Five times. And he [img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img] his pants.
'kay, here's one for you. It might be offensive (aka, an Osama Bin Laden joke), so I'm gonna coat it in Spoiler Sauce.
(SPOILER)One day in the future, Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room; in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed -- over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bin Laden said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room; in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama bin Laden.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,"Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go." :radred:
Haha brilliant. I'm keeping that one.Quote:
Originally Posted by Hawkeye
that is a legendary joke!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Cloudane
Who stole the soap from the bathroom?
The "Robber" Ducky! :D
When Quasimodo died, a plea went out to the citizens of Notre Dam for a new bell-ringer. Many volunteered, but they all lacked individualality, until... A man with no arms came into the bell tower and asked to audition. He obviously could not strike the bell with a mallet or anything because he had no hands, so he rang the bell with his face! :) Unfortunately, when he went to headbutt the bell for a 3rd time, he lost his balance, toppled over and fell to his death in the streets below. :(
By the time the overseer made it to the bottom, a huge crowd had already gathered round the corpse.
"Who is this man?" Someone asked.
"I don't know," replied the overseer "but his face rings a bell!" :laugh:
What do you get when you cross Frosty the Snowman with Count Dracula?
Frostbite!
Whats a Metroids favorite food?
Prime rib! Get it Metroid Prime, prime rib XD
Only this one is really dumb...
Why are days longer in summer than they are in winter?
Because...(SPOILER)Heat makes things expand!
*Ducks* :shoot: :shoot: <-- annoyed people
lol :(Quote:
Originally Posted by blitz_king10
What's a famous yet often fogotten band? (SPOILER)The Who
Why did the irritated man ruin my pizza? (SPOILER)'cause he was a noid.
Said the manure salesman at the end of the day, "I'm pooped!"
Mom, handing me keys: "Eric, here."
Me: "No, Eric here.
My vaccuum really sucks.
My fans really blow.
Yes, my refrigerators running. Yes, I see why you shouldn't give them legs now.
What's a surgeons favourite instrument?
the organ
what's a plumbers favourite instrument?
Pipes
"I don't want to say Bush is a lame duck President, but today, Cheney shot him."
Take care all.
Why did the pineapple cross the road?
[this joke lacks an answer]
...?
I'm bored...