How do I end a phone conversation?
Upside-down. While beating myself with a dead mackerel, flailing wildly, burping excessively loud, and screaming "Chicken chicken chicken chicken RUUUN!!!" while painting an elaborate portrait of Abraham Lincoln eating grapes in a snow storm on top of Mt. Sinai. That way they know not to call me back anytime soon...
Unless I want them to, in which case I say "Talk to you soon" and then hum the Mortal Kombat theme until they hang up.