From the journal of noble hero Psychotic, saviour of the Dwarven people...

Spring, 525


Home, sweet home. A full-sized map of the area.

Spring. This... this is spring? It's not. It's incredibly smurfing not. "Go North", the King had said. "Safe from the Iguana demons and their Goblin thralls". Right now I would honestly rather have one of those Iguana freaks spewing its dust all over me than spend another minute in this frozen wasteland. Nobody knows what mysteries the North holds. Gold, silver, and jewels, suggest some, seeking wealth. Iron, steel and coal say the ones who want power. Others suggest there are longlost members of our kin thriving in hidden cities up here. There is one thing, and one thing only up here. Snow. Lots and lots of smurfing snow. There is a reason people do not go north.

I'm part of an expedition of seven Dwarves. "Seven Dwarves... each to match a colour of the rainbow!" said the King. Yeah. One too many Goblin hammers to the head.

Here's a list of our Rainbow Dwarves and our skills:

Psychotic
  • Adequate Comedian
  • Adequate Judge of Intent
  • Competent Record Keeper
  • Competent Appraiser
  • Novice Organizer

Lonny BoB
  • Proficient Miner
  • Proficient Mechanic

Pike
  • Proficient Miner
  • Competent Building Designer
  • Competent Mason

DK
  • Competent Misc Object User
  • Competent Cook
  • Novice Animal Caretaker
  • Novice Fish Cleaner
  • Novice Soaper
  • Novice Consoler

Demon Dude
  • Proficient Wood Cutter
  • Proficient Carpenter

Red Pill
  • Proficient Farmer
  • Proficient Brewer

Quin
  • Competent Diagnostician
  • Novice Surgeon
  • Novice Bone Doctor
  • Novice Suturer
  • Adequate Wound Dresser
  • Adequate Brewer


Not too bad. Although... our Doctor... Quin... also brews alcohol for a living? That's going to end well. That's going to end very, very well. Remind me never to get injured.

With the site for Spoonproblems (Don't even ask about the name. We lost a bet) settled, the only thing to do was to decide who was in charge.



Me. Because I am so smurfing great. And I have the most organized mind. This way I can do all of the administrative tasks like stock taking and keeping records, and not to do any heavy lifting or dying. I am a genius!

I had a look over our supplies. Here's our food:

  • 3 prepared Yak spleens.
  • A barrel full of prepared dragonfly brains.
  • Mountain Goat sweetbread
  • 2 Turtles
  • Hoary marmot tripe
  • 3 Prepared Musk Ox eyes
  • 17 prepared Badger Men lungs.
  • 5 Prepared Red-Winged Blackbird Brains.

...yeah. what the smurf. I just. What.

---



Pike and Lonny BoB began to dig into the earth, as there are no mountains here and only a small hill. They are making a ramp, made of ice. I call it the super fun happy slide. I figure nothing bad could possibly come of using a super slippery slope as our way of climbing up and down thousands of feet.

Anyway, we need protection, and a hole in the ground doesn't offer much. Winter is coming. I ordered a wall to be built. The ground beneath us right now is ice and soil - not much use for making a wall. Luckily we had brought 65 oak logs with us.

Demon Dude began to hack more trees down while BoB and Pike dug deep into the earth. You can see me, Quin and Red Pill struggling to put up the smurfing wall. Have you ever put up a wooden wall in the middle of a blizzard? Yeah. It came up to our beards.

There is also a bizarre patch of ground right outside the fortress. No snow touches it, and flowers grow. DK has taken to calling it "Maine Road" and spends long periods of time standing in it for warmth. DK won't let anyone into the magical flower patch, screaming "Don't fight in Maine Road, you'll trample the flowers!!" at the boistourous Dwarves.

---

The wall is up and BoB and Pike have now begun to dig a defensive moat at the front. The Wall will be the last defence of our realm against the horrors of the frozen north.

Demon Dude has been making barrels and beds, while Quin, DK and myself have been hauling supplies in. Red Pill has begun to plan seeds to grow crops. He has been using our rubbish and waste to fertilise the crops. He seemed to think it was smurfing hilarious to rub turtle remains all over my nice dog leather hood.



Now all the smurfing cats have adopted me and won't stop following me about! ...yeah, I'm the fortress's crazy cat lady.