EoFF: Dwarf Fortress - Spoonproblems. Also, goblin problems.

[Psychotic]

I have played through my year. I will type it all up on the morrow. It's hard doing the first year, as you can't really do anything crazy and so it's not so funny. Oh well!

I can exclusively reveal that our fortress's name is... (SPOILER)Spoonproblems. Oh yes.

It's in the middle of a winter wonderland, so there's snow and the river is frozen. Not a lot really happened. Had a surprising amount of migrants, so the fortress numbers 17 exactly... which is the exact amount of posters in this thread! So yeah, everyone who posted here is now Dwarfed. And the overwhelming majority of you have not been given your chosen role, because I don't give a smurf. Also because I had a fortress to build and most of you came with useless skills and wanted your Dwarves to learn other useless skills. I can't be bothered to try to train doctors/marksdwarves/etc in the first year of a fortress, so I sent you off to the mason labour camps. All that hard work at least made you guys stronger! The next player can indulge you though, I'm sure.

Speaking of, decide who takes the game on next while I get my post/s ready I guess.

[Iceglow]

I did suggest training me as a hunter initially which could obviously get us some good food depending on the local animal supplies. Of course, being a hunter in year one can also get you killed pretty easily and ties up some sap making bolts for your crossbow.

Also noted in my own play through, you cannot embark with crossbows as a weapon (unless I suppose you go with marksdwarf?) in the items part of your embarking pack. So now it needs someone to make them outta wood or other materials once in the world.

[Loony BoB]

Time to give the game to someone who has no idea what's going on, so they can learn the basics while it's still good.

On a sidenote, my DF game went from 87 dwarves to 0 in one attack (although three dwarves who couldn't stand took forever to die of thirst). Losing is fun!

[Laddy]

I wanna be a dwarf!

[Psychotic]

From the journal of noble hero Psychotic, saviour of the Dwarven people...

Spring, 525


Home, sweet home. A full-sized map of the area.

Spring. This... this is spring? It's not. It's incredibly smurfing not. "Go North", the King had said. "Safe from the Iguana demons and their Goblin thralls". Right now I would honestly rather have one of those Iguana freaks spewing its dust all over me than spend another minute in this frozen wasteland. Nobody knows what mysteries the North holds. Gold, silver, and jewels, suggest some, seeking wealth. Iron, steel and coal say the ones who want power. Others suggest there are longlost members of our kin thriving in hidden cities up here. There is one thing, and one thing only up here. Snow. Lots and lots of smurfing snow. There is a reason people do not go north.

I'm part of an expedition of seven Dwarves. "Seven Dwarves... each to match a colour of the rainbow!" said the King. Yeah. One too many Goblin hammers to the head.

Here's a list of our Rainbow Dwarves and our skills:

Psychotic

• Adequate Comedian
• Adequate Judge of Intent
• Competent Record Keeper
• Competent Appraiser
• Novice Organizer

Lonny BoB

• Proficient Miner
• Proficient Mechanic

Pike

• Proficient Miner
• Competent Building Designer
• Competent Mason

DK

• Competent Misc Object User
• Competent Cook
• Novice Animal Caretaker
• Novice Fish Cleaner
• Novice Soaper
• Novice Consoler

Demon Dude

• Proficient Wood Cutter
• Proficient Carpenter

Red Pill

• Proficient Farmer
• Proficient Brewer

Quin

• Competent Diagnostician
• Novice Surgeon
• Novice Bone Doctor
• Novice Suturer
• Adequate Wound Dresser
• Adequate Brewer

Not too bad. Although... our Doctor... Quin... also brews alcohol for a living? That's going to end well. That's going to end very, very well. Remind me never to get injured.

With the site for Spoonproblems (Don't even ask about the name. We lost a bet) settled, the only thing to do was to decide who was in charge.



Me. Because I am so smurfing great. And I have the most organized mind. This way I can do all of the administrative tasks like stock taking and keeping records, and not to do any heavy lifting or dying. I am a genius!

I had a look over our supplies. Here's our food:

• 3 prepared Yak spleens.
• A barrel full of prepared dragonfly brains.
• Mountain Goat sweetbread
• 2 Turtles
• Hoary marmot tripe
• 3 Prepared Musk Ox eyes
• 17 prepared Badger Men lungs.
• 5 Prepared Red-Winged Blackbird Brains.

...yeah. what the smurf. I just. What.

---



Pike and Lonny BoB began to dig into the earth, as there are no mountains here and only a small hill. They are making a ramp, made of ice. I call it the super fun happy slide. I figure nothing bad could possibly come of using a super slippery slope as our way of climbing up and down thousands of feet.

Anyway, we need protection, and a hole in the ground doesn't offer much. Winter is coming. I ordered a wall to be built. The ground beneath us right now is ice and soil - not much use for making a wall. Luckily we had brought 65 oak logs with us.

Demon Dude began to hack more trees down while BoB and Pike dug deep into the earth. You can see me, Quin and Red Pill struggling to put up the smurfing wall. Have you ever put up a wooden wall in the middle of a blizzard? Yeah. It came up to our beards.

There is also a bizarre patch of ground right outside the fortress. No snow touches it, and flowers grow. DK has taken to calling it "Maine Road" and spends long periods of time standing in it for warmth. DK won't let anyone into the magical flower patch, screaming "Don't fight in Maine Road, you'll trample the flowers!!" at the boistourous Dwarves.

---

The wall is up and BoB and Pike have now begun to dig a defensive moat at the front. The Wall will be the last defence of our realm against the horrors of the frozen north.

Demon Dude has been making barrels and beds, while Quin, DK and myself have been hauling supplies in. Red Pill has begun to plan seeds to grow crops. He has been using our rubbish and waste to fertilise the crops. He seemed to think it was smurfing hilarious to rub turtle remains all over my nice dog leather hood.



Now all the smurfing cats have adopted me and won't stop following me about! ...yeah, I'm the fortress's crazy cat lady.

[DK]

Did the King really send 7 dwarves to form the Night Watch? Really? And we have to build the wall ourselves? Winter is coming and the last line of defense is us, a patchwork wall and Maine Road. The land is screwed beyond belief.

Excellent.

[Pike]

Pike

• Proficient Miner
• Competent Building Designer
• Competent Mason

I've got this, you guys. All of my practice in Minecraft and Terraria has led up to this moment.

[Pheesh]

5 Brits and a New Zealander? D:

We're so smurfed.

[champagne supernova]

Why does yours look relatively good (like Warcraft 2) while my game looks like cat vomit?

EDIT: If cat vomit was made out of ASCII characters.

[Quindiana Jones]

The alcohol acts as an antiseptic, a painkiller, and a reward for not dying. Good patients only!

Also, I live on Maine Road. Dan and I have a bizarre sixth sense when it comes to facts about each others' lives.

EDIT: Since I'm a total novice and still have no idea what's going on, there are two options: leave me to handle it last and watch the efforts of your hard work collapse beneath my colossal incomptence or; let me go next and watch the minor efforts of Paul's work collapse beneath my colossal incomptence. The best case scenario is that I go next and nothing happens other than a few dwarves starving.

[Psychotic]

From the journal of noble hero Psychotic, saviour of the Dwarven people...

Summer, 525

Here I am, in my brand new office. I say office, it's more like... a hole. In the wall. Fantastic. You can also see DK slaving away in the kitchens, preparing delightful cooked treats for us all.

Pardon me for being a traditionalist, but isn't Summer supposed to be, oh, I don't know, not a snow-filled abomination where your piss doesn't end up freezing to your mighty dwarven staff the moment you let fly? It's still cold. smurf me. The rest of my life is going to be spent here.



Lonny BoB and Pike have finished the ditch at the front of the fort. That should keep most nasties at bay...unless they have the ability to jump more than 5 feet, but if Dwarves can't do it, then surely no other species can! There is a drawbridge that can be raised in times of great peril.



They've now begun work on the Great Hall. This shall be a thing of beauty and I will be remembered for this for years to come!

The lever that controls the bridge was installed in the Great Hall. The miners have also discovered a beautiful scarlet covered stone called red tourmaline. I used the entirity of our supply to have this message engraved on the walls in huge letters, for the attention of certain future fortress runners who will remain nameless:

Is the fortress under attack ? Pull the lever in the Great Hall. There is a lever in the Great Hall. Pull it. Pull the lever in the Great Hall if the fortress is under attack. Pull. The. Lever. Pull the lever (it's in the Great Hall). Did you know there's a lever in the Great Hall? No? PULL THE smurfER. STOP READING THIS. PULL THE smurfING LEVER THAT IS IN THE smurfING GREAT HALL YOU GOD DAMN USELESS CLOD OF DIRT OR WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! LONNY. smurfING. BOB. PULL. THE. GOD. DAMN. LEVER.

I think that adequately conveyed the message.


---

Two great horrors converged on our fortress today.



You might not be able to tell what it is from this picture, but that, my friends, is a herd of what Quin identified as "Capy-Baras". I have drawn a picture of them:



No doubt these are bloodthirsty monstrosities of the north, out to feed on our bones. You better believe I pulled the god damn lever. I aint going down in history as the guy who lost a fortress to Capy-Baras.

However, the Capy-Baras turned away and began to head towards something else coming over the horizon...



IMMIGRANTS!

I had a most heartening conversation with one, a mohawked little dwarf by the name of Iceglow.

"Yeah yeah" he said. "Me name's Iceglow, innit? I'm from LANDAHN! Let me hug your knees!"
"London? Is that some poncey little Elven town?"
"Nah nah, see in Spoonproblems you settle your disputes with levers, whereas in LANDAHN we settle them with crossbows!"
"So you're a marksdwarf? Excellent. We've been plagued by "Capy-Baras" lately."
"Nawwwww pawl naaaaaawwww. I clean da fish! I clean fish at HMV in LANDAHN the busiest street in the Solitary Axe!"
"Alright. Have fun getting your fish out of the frozen river you useless sack of turnips."
"Yeah, well, I shagged your mum. Hehehe!"

I hope he dies first.

Along with him we had the equally useful I'm my own MILF, who makes cheese, Værn, who shears sheep, and eternal essence, who is a tanner. Seeing as how we have no cows to milk, no sheep to shear and no sunlight from which you can get a tan, I put them on commode duty. Useless smurfers. Marshall Banana, a stoneworker, also arrived with them. She was the only moderately useful one.

I can see why they were sent here. 5 more worthless mouths to feed. And winter is coming. We're all going to die.

[demondude]

Wood cutter and carpenter. rofl.

[Madame Adequate]

Ahahaha Paul you are a diamond Also what are the cavern settings etc? Also also, be sure those are just regular capybaras and not the feared were-capybaras.

[Psychotic]

From the journal of noble hero Psychotic, saviour of the Dwarven people. Or at least a duck. And that's something.

Autumn, 525

MORE IMMIGRANTS! GOD DAMNIT

• fire_of_avalon - Weaver
• Genius Lynx - Fish Cleaner
• Jessweeee - Cheese Maker
• Angelwings8 - Peasant
• Dignified Pauper - Tanner

You may recall in our previous immigration wave we had others belonging to the Fish Cleaning, Cheese Making and Tanning professions. You may also recall how useless I said they were. I honestly think the Gods (or the game...) are trying to spite me here.

foa, Jessweeee and Lynx were sent off to mass produce tables, chairs, doors and whatnot, or else haul the damn things. AngelWings8 had some military skills, so she and DK have now formed the Mighty Spoonproblems Army. Consisting of two people with absolutely no weapons or armour. Fantasico.

Marick refused to do anything useful with the rocks he was issued with, stating that he was an artist.



He produced a whole mountain of this crap.

---

Love is in the air!

That's right, I am in LOVE! I would never have thought it. Her curly hair, so alike to a pubic mane, drives me wild! Oh, and that rustic accent, oh baby, that makes my spoon have problems if you get what I mean! Today, me and Quin officially became lovers!

We followed on the footsteps of DK and Red Pill, who also announced that they were lovers. I think all this love has blossomed because we have seen the example set by a migrant married couple.



Iceglow and MILF! They sleep together and spoon each night. It's adorable! God bless them both!

I woud like to state that no, I did not plan this. I assigned all the new Dwarves named and then was very confused when Huxley and Steve insisted on sleeping together. I'm not going to deny I'm greatly amused by this pairing, though.



CSI: SPOONPROBLEMS!

I wasn't very upset when Værn brought me the news that a Water Buffalo had starved to death. I didn't even know we had a Water Buffalo. I went up to the surface to examine the carcass for myself (and perhaps choose the choicest cut) when I discovered this grisly scene.



Frozen dog blood smurfing everywhere. All of our dogs were standing around in a huddle, sporting a variety of injuries, both in location and severity. What. The. smurf! They're still alive, but they're not in a good way.

My first thought was that the cursed Capy-Baras had finally made their move, and had brutally assaulted the poor canines, but I was informed by AngelWings8 that the horrible fiends had not been seen for months.

In all honesty, I do not know what caused our dogs to get horribly mangled. I have a theory that because they were all standing around outside, the coldness made their skin crack and the bloodloss caused the injuries and the mess, but I don't know for certain. I ordered them all back inside.

---

Traders! Traders and an Outpost Liason from Grovegates have come!

I immediately offloaded a veritable mountain of Dignified Pauper's crappy trinkets onto them, as well as a couple of majestic prepared meals made by DK. As you can imagine, the meals were worth a good deal more.

We made some good buys. I bought a lot of meat, as we've now eaten our original supply (don't remind me, ugh) as some turkey eggs. I've also bought two steel anvils and another pick.

Oh, and a duck. I like ducks.

The Outpost Liason asked what we wanted for next year. He gave me a big long list of available goods, from metals to meats, from jewels to jeans, and tools to trinkets.



While tools and metals may be useful, and while we could always use more food, there was only one thing I had my heart set on. I asked for guinea cocks. Lots and lots of guineacocks. Heh heh, cocks.

-----
Q&A!

Why does yours look relatively good (like Warcraft 2) while my game looks like cat vomit?

EDIT: If cat vomit was made out of ASCII characters.

I think my newer screenshots are more fitting with what you have, no? I use StoneSense for the pretty Isometric ones. It's a viewer, so you can't play the game through it and it doesn't necessarily show everything, which is why I revert out of it sometimes.

Ahahaha Paul you are a diamond Also what are the cavern settings etc? Also also, be sure those are just regular capybaras and not the feared were-capybaras.

Danke schon. I....have no idea I left them default, I was just getting so frustrated with world gen that I could not be bothered to mess with the settings all over again. Also I think they're regular ones. I hope they're regular ones. ...actually what am I saying? I hope they bite the whole bloody lot of us.

[DK]

We followed on the footsteps of DK and Red Pill, who also announced that they were lovers.