Water fasting

[Quindiana Jones]

Congratulations on being really, spectacularly stupid.

There is no quick fix to getting healthy. Stop being a lazy moron and stop looking for shortcuts. If you want to get healthy, it takes hard work: simple as. The willpower of drinking only water is nothing compared to the willpower required to stay on a healthy diet permanently. Stop being a ponce and do some work.

Eat 3 - 5 healthy meals a day. This will quickly speed up your metabolism. Cut down on carbs. You should be limiting yourself to about two slices of bread's worth of carbs per day. Carry on eating eggs, meat, vegetables, fruit, nuts, etc. Cut the cheese (hehe). Also, do exercise. Running is cheap and good for you; run on grass to limit future damage to your knees. If you can't find grass, have a longer break in between runs. Run one day, rest the next day, then run, rest, run, rest and so on. You don't need to run a marathon; just a quick 10 - 20 minutes will do wonders.

Furthermore, as has been mentioned, your body does not burn fat or bad stuff first. When you starve, it processes protein. When it runs out of food protein, it eats muscle. Only when the muscle becomes useless does it eat fat. If you fast, you will be weak and tired the whole time, you will lose an insignificant amount of weight which you shouldn't be losing because it's the good stuff, and you'll come out worse than you went in. Just actually smurfing research nutrition if you wanna get healthy, instead of reading bulltit mags.

Breakfast: Early - 8/9AM. Eggs and bacon (remove the rinds). Slice of bread. Orange juice. Water. Make bacon scrambled egg on toast or something.
Lunch: Lunchtime. 12-1PM. Protein salad. Chicken/turkey is good. No bread or croutons. Water.
Afternoon meal: 2-3PM. Soup is fine. Slice of bread. Juice. Water. If you have potatoes in the soup/stew, don't have bread.
Dinner: 5-7PM. Salad is good again. Mix it up. Have a nutty salad at lunchtime, have a leafy salad at dinnertime. Water. No bread.
Supper: 9-10PM. Something light. No carbs. Finish off any remaining salad/have a fruit cocktail with yoghurt etc. Juice. Water. Sleep.

That'll do you fine. No fasting needed. Lose more weight, gain more strength, feel more energised for longer. I'm no diet specialist, but I understood food and human biology well enough to ensure I remain healthy whilst still getting tasty food. You can buy allsorts of things if you know where to look: I get some tasty no carb/ no fat sausages from my local. Allows me to keep my diet fresh and different. You should also be drinking water throughout the day, outside of these meals. Drink before you're thirsty. A few mouthfuls every 20 minutes, that sort of thing. Takes a while to get in the habit.

The "withdrawal" symptoms are more commonly known (though only to intelligent people) as being dangerously unhealthy. When you are lacking something, your brain tells you what it is and what you should eat to get that something. This is why unusual things become delicious when you are actually starving rather than just being a giant moron.

A big, important tip here: drink regularly. Water weight occurs because your body starts storing it, not knowing when the next dose is. Every time you drink, it stores. The way to get rid of this is to drink more often. This will set the body into efficient safe mode and will allow the water to just pass through normally, taking all that bad tit with it. Also, drink fruit juice. Try to get actual fruit juice rather than from concentrate. smurf it, just buy a tonne of oranges from Costco. Job done. When you have a 250ml glass of orange juice, also drink a 250ml glass of water. Most vitamins are water soluble, so diluting them once they're inside is a good way to efficiently distribute them. Drink water with every meal you eat. Don't snack.

Bear in mind that eating unhealthy is fine. Grab a donut once a weak. Have some ice cream. Get some cheese in you. Just keep that treat to a treat, instead of making it your diet. You should set aside some time in your week to enjoy those treats: Cheese Hour. This will make everything else feel so much sweeter too.

Another way to lose weight is to just lop off your head, since you're obviously not using what's inside.

EDIT: Final note: Make a fist with both hands. Join your fists at the thumb. That is the size that every one of your five meals should be. Any snack you have in between meals should be kept to one or two pieces of fruit or protein, depending on how much energy your day is taking. Apples and bananas are the best fruit for waking up: apple short term, banana long term. A yoghurt is good too. But don't have more than that. Bear in mind that when you start out on a healthy lifestyle, it's harder work than sticking to it. It's like accelerating in a car onto the motorway: hard work at first, but then you go into cruise mode. Also, for the start you'll need to be strict and take baby steps, since you obviously know nothing about the human body. One you've learned, you can be more liberal with the whole thing.