So I got a quest to kill a Griffin. Okay. I can do this. I have done it twice before. Particularly when I now have a host of knights as back up. So we go and find it, and we have a lovely battle and I jump upon it and end up riding it as it flies about a bit. Eventually the Griffin has decided it has had enough and smurfs off to some godforsaken tower on the other side of the map. Okay, no problem!

I march north. What blocks my way?

  • Assorted sissy bandits and goblins. Easy enough but annoying.
  • A fair few battle wings of Snow Harpies, backed up by Dire Wolves.
  • A smurfing Cyclops blocking the path. That was a fun boss fight as Carlton summoned a tornado onto it.
  • WINDS BLOWING ME BACK. Full on Yellow Turban trout what the smurf.
  • In some godforsaken rock canyon area I have never been to, I get jumped by a smurfload of tricky bandit groups, all with numerous archer snipers perched on cliffs. Annoying.
  • My first ever mothersmurfing Golem. That was a sodding fight and a half. I had no idea they could fire sodding laser beams. It turned to night during this.
  • And naturally the night is indeed dark and full of terrors and I'm facing a permanent skeleton presence.
  • Now I am finally at the tower - very nice looking, moody and atmospheric - and apparently it's a smurfing Labyrinth? Jesus chris when does it end.
  • Correction, it's a smurfing Labryinth filled with more Snow Harpies and angry skeletons. And these are some fairly decently levelled skeletons too, with giant broadswords.
  • Well this is just lovely. I finally caught up with that utter of a Griffin and it is back to full health. Oh yeah and it seems to have levelled up as it's hitting like a truck now.
  • WELL I JUST FELL OFF SKULL MOUNTAIN. Oh into the water mind, the Brine saved me.
  • OH GOD NOW IT'S DESTROYING THE ENTIRE CASTLE THING. Oh trout well I just died.
  • "There Master, a Griffin!" Thanks. For. That.
  • Christ it's Dawn again. This castle looks amazing in the light. "There Master, a Gr-" SHUT UP I smurfING KNOW, IT IS SLAMMING MY SKULL INTO THE GOD DAMN GROUND OKAY.
  • Whoa what the hell some dude I helped in a quest earlier showed up to smurf the Griffin. Nice.
  • Oh yes look at it crash land lick my balls you smurfing Griffin ahahah someone is making meteors fall on its head oh god this is beautiful. Job done.
  • There is some really sweet loot here.
  • And now to complete the quest... I have to go allllllllllll the way back again to report my victory. smurf that, ferrystone here I come.


Tell you what, Capcom should make a sodding Lord of the Rings game because I feel like I just went all the way to Mordor. And that was just one quest.