Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking...

[Citizen Bleys]

It's a good thing I'm not an airline pilot, because I don't think I'd be able to resist frakking with the passengers. Imagine being on hour 2 of a 7 hour flight, 36,000 ft in the air and the intercom comes on:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. There is no cause for alarm."

Then it goes off.

Imagine what would be going through your mind.

Others (Mentally prefix each line with "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking")

"Oops." (no explanation)

"Is there a doctor/pilot/exorcist aboard? Please advise your stewardess."

"Please remain calm, the wings are...er...gone."

[Jiro]

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking... just kidding, I killed the captain."

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Are there any attractive, young ladies on board who are up for some body shots?"

[Miss Lady Shelly]

It's a good thing I'm not an airline pilot, because I don't think I'd be able to resist frakking with the passengers. Imagine being on hour 2 of a 7 hour flight, 36,000 ft in the air and the intercom comes on:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. There is no cause for alarm."

Then it goes off.

Imagine what would be going through your mind.

Others (Mentally prefix each line with "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking")

"Oops." (no explanation)

"Is there a doctor/pilot/exorcist aboard? Please advise your stewardess."

"Please remain calm, the wings are...er...gone."

Did you just watch AIRPLANE!?

Naw im kidding.

I would probably freak out as well but also say in my mind oh god why me why now.

[Citizen Bleys]

Did you just watch AIRPLANE!?

Roger, Roger. You have clearance, Clarence. What's your vector, Victor?

[Iceglow]

"Is there a sexy woman on board... I may just have to crash this plane otherwise"

[Quindiana Jones]

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. There is no need to panic."

[Tigmafuzz]

Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. Before we get underway, on behalf of myself and the crew, I want to remind you all that there is a non-zero chance we will all go into the darkness together, screaming and soiling ourselves in a flaming metal hellbox, speeding inexorably toward oblivion. The odds of all that happening would diminish slightly if the passenger in 14B would comply with our request to TURN OFF HIS GODDAMNED CELL PHONE

[Sephex]

"This is your Captain speaking. There appears to be dangerous men with box cutters. I'm sure it won't be a problem."

[sharkythesharkdogg]

"Ladies and Gentleman, this is your captain speaking. I apologize for the severe turbulence. It should clear up after a few more hours. The inflight movie tonight has been cancelled. I've arranged for a special treat. We'll start with a 3 hour long home video of my wife giving birth, an hour video of my 4 year old's violin recital, and top it off with the video from my colonoscopy. Tonight's meal will be clams and custard with a side of peas and brown gravy. Enjoy."

[Faris]

"Ladies and Gentleman, this is your captain speaking. We will begin our underwater expedition after we defeat the leviathan. While we are under water, do not tap on the windows or you will aggravate the fish. Children may be used as bait in emergency situations."

[Raistlin]

"This is your captain speaking. Some people have complained or warned us about the fact that we have a Muslim on board, but I assure you that he has been thoroughly screened and there is absolutely no evidence that he has any bomb or weapons, or is connected to terrorism in any way. The quiet white guy in the back holding the weird black box with a timer on it is way more likely to be a terrorist."

[Citizen Bleys]

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

[Psychotic]

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Going to have to close the thread right here, this is not going to be topped.

[Shorty]

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. For our in-flight film during this voyage will be the latest installment of the Twilight saga. You can thank your flight attendant Mary Ann for 'accidentally' leaving Raiders of the Lost Ark in her hotel room last night. Feel free to adjust your seats however you'd like, to clog up the aisles and wait outside the bathroom if you have an emergency. Over and out."

[theundeadhero]

Ladies and gentleman this is your captain speaking. There is a reason to panic but federal and international regulations prohibit me from speaking about them. I just wanted you to know.