I don't know if anyone remembers this game, but it was a part of my growing up. I think PQII was the first video game I ever played, on a Tandy 1000 with one of those weird 2-button joysticks that you use with 2 fingers. Police Quest was one of Sierra On-Line's famous "Quest" series that defined the adventure game genre, where you take the role of a city cop and have to follow actual police procedure to win. I really like this game, but I'm going to be hard on it in this playthrough because...it wouldn't be funny if I wasn't.
Our scene is set in the fictional town of Lytton, CA, which is laid out in a perfect rectangle because that totally happens in real life. Nothing bad ever happens in Lytton, but when it does, it's because of DRUGS.
I must not do DRUGS.
DRUGS are the mind-killer.
DRUGS are the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face DRUGS.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me. (but without doing DRUGS of course, because DRUGS are bad)
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the DRUGS have gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
In Lytton there is no fear, no death (except where caused by DRUGS), and everyone gets along with one another, gets married, has a house with a white picket fence, two children, and a dog that doesn't bite. There is no unemployment, sufficient government funding for all public services, and no-one gets sick or old. Every kid (who doesn't get involved with DRUGS) makes straight As and goes on to an ivy league school, and then on to their dream career.
You are Sonny Bonds. For some reason, your dream career involves writing speeding tickets and drinking bad coffee at the only coffee shop in the city. After all, who would even want Ron Jeremy's career? As an added incentive to join the fast-paced and exciting field of police work, the penalty for failure to follow police procedure to the letter in this game is DEATH. Stop for a beer while on duty? DEATH. Make a mistake writing a ticket? DEATH. Run a stop sign? DEATH.
I've chosen to use the VGA remake of Police Quest for this walkthrough; I prefer the original, but the driving part is almost impossible on a modern computer. When I first played it with one of those two-finger joysticks it was doable, but the keyboard is too clunky, the mouse doesn't work, a modern-day flightstick doesn't cut it, and I don't have a goddamn time machine to go back and get the kind of two-finger joystick that makes driving in PQ possible.
Lytton PD. You chose this
Meet Morris Fudley. The first time I met Fudley, in 1986, he was in that shower stall. I don't know how long he'd been in there. I have never seen Fudley anywhere but in that shower stall, and I've never seen that shower stall without Fudley in it.
Oh for smurf's sake. Why don't I have my gun with me?
Time to get my trout out of my locker.
Off to the briefing room to check my pigeonhole for messages.
Sierra loves to do this. The combination is in the manual. They figured that software pirates are smart enough to copy the game, but not smart enough to write down a 3-digit number on the label. Or put it in a text file with the game. Or, in this day and age, use Google. (Google didn't exist when this game came out)
I didn't skip the shower in this playthrough. I just didn't screencap it because nobody cares. Now I've got my nightstick and gun and trout. Hey, waitaminute, I have my gun!
Yep, there it is, gunny gun gun
Note: Sonny lives alone
Dammit.
This is Sgt. Dooley, my boss. He is a very nice man.
I guess I'll read the paper while I wait for the other tardy-ass cops to show up for briefing.
Why the hell would anyone write 11-98 instead of, y'know, coffee? Like a sane person would?
After the briefing, let's explore the police station, shall we?
The mall and the arcade, really? I know this game was written before the internet, but even when I was a teenager, nobody hung around at a mall unless they were there to buy something. When I wanted to spend time with my friends, I bloody well invited them over.
We suspect, apropos of nothing, that this was drug related. Oh, wait, I forgot. This is Lytton. Everything bad that happens in Lytton is because of DRUGS. It's actually pretty amazing that the cops keep the streets so clean given the number of police fatalities caused by not walking around a patrol car in a circle before getting in. The penalty for failure to do so, as we've covered, is DEATH.
Turns out it goes to the Narcotics Department, which is surprisingly small since everything bad that happens in Lytton is drug-related. You'd think the whole police station would be the Narcotics Department.
I wonder where this elevator goes?
Since nothing plot-related has actually happened, the proper thing for any uniformed cop to do is drive around aimlessly until something does. Sure enough, the radio crackles with a report of a motor vehicle accident. I arrive on the scene, and the car is a total write-off. Oh yeah and the driver has two bullet holes in his head.
This is Lt. Morgan, in charge of Narcotics and therefore the ruler of the police force. Does he seem a bit rude to you? That seems quite rude to me.
This game doesn't let me have any fun
Meet Laura Watts, Narcotics Detective
Might as well have talked to a WALL
Oh, yes it is
Because let's face it, in Lytton, if you're not in Narcotics, you're not really a cop.
As alluded to earlier, if I hadn't walked around my patrol car and got this message before getting in, I would have exploded.
Next, it's off to Caffeine Carol's for an 11-98 with Steve. Oh bloody hell I just did it too. I think this is the only cop game I've ever played where you're required to go on break. If I keep driving around instead of going on break, the dispatcher keeps coming on the radio and reminding me that I have to go on break. I'm not sure what happens if I continually ignore the dispatcher, but I'm pretty sure it's death. It made for a thrill-filled ride as I had to circle the block about six times before I finally figured out how to stop driving. I'm pretty sure the seventh time would have caused scorpions to swarm out of my glove compartment.
And I see it a lot. Just this morning Officer Davis's pen ran out of ink while he was writing a ticket and the earth opened up below him and swallowed him whole. Yesterday Officer Willis forgot his keys and hundreds of cobras came out of nowhere and bit the hell out of him.
I'm not sure why a witness was written into the game here. The driver has two bullet holes in his head. I'm pretty sure it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to work out that he was shot while driving.
Hey hey! Ho ho! One zero zero zero one ze-ro!
snip boring smalltalk
Does anybody actually talk like that?
It's CSI trout, man. You wouldn't understand.
I'm guessing fried is a subtle clue
Now everyone reading this identifies with Sonny just a bit more. Some backstory: The Gremlin is a prank artist who is constantly targeting Sgt. Dooley. Nobody knows who she is. Well, I do, as evinced by the fact that I know which pronoun to use. You find out in PQII.
Need to get ahold of a cop by phone? Call the coffee shop.
Hey Lt. Hamilton. Thanks for letting me know that the guy with a bullet hole in the middle of his forehead was killed by a gunshot wound to the head. I was wondering about that. Now that you mention it, I do have some pertinent information: An object at rest tends to remain at rest while an object in motion tends to remain in motion, unless acted on by an outside force.
This looks like a good enough place to leave off for today. I played ahead a bit more, but the only thing that happened was a routine traffic stop of a woman who ran a stop sign while speeding. I didn't screenshot any of it because it would bore you. It didn't bore me because the result of any minor infraction would have been instant death. Just to give you an idea, here is what happens when you run a stop sign: