I'm far too poor to actually afford a desktop PC that is worthy of playing any decent video games, and I don't know how the hell you guys build your PCs!

My current "system" is a laptop.

CPU: Intel i5-3337U CPU @ 1.80 GHz
GPU: Intel HD Graphics 4000
RAM: 4.00GB
HDD: 670 GB, apparently.
OS: Windows 8.1
Monitors: My laptop's own screen, I guess?

I can just hear PC gamers just wailing in agony over seeing those figures, I'm sure.