WELCOME TO HOGWARTS YEAR THREE

Ah yes, the classic entrance hall. It’s like coming home again. Except this time home is significantly less 3D model-y.

But, it has been a long day for everyone. Time to find my way to the common room.


But first, something that never happens

Looks like Dork-o wants to have a chat. SQUARE GO MATE I got my back-up nerdy chick and ginger dude.

…we got nothing on your guys


How did you find out about this?!

Classic Draco line. Potter, you’re trout. Hahahahaha!

After these harsh words, I think Harry really needs to get to bed. Y’know, so he can apply some burn heal and also cry about his dead parents.

But first, I chat to some of the students. Hello fellow Gryffindor! How do you do today?


Rude

Look man, I was just saying hello. No need to get so damned snippy with me. Screw you.

Surely, the Hufflepuff will be nicer to me…


See friend, that’s how you’re nice to people

Of course, I ignore the nice Hufflepuff girl and head into the Great Hall. For investigative purposes.

There are battles to be had! I can take them on, with my party of three! Awww yeah, nothing can stop me now!



And here we have the fabled magical snapping turtle…

With a wave of a few wands, I cast Incendio and Flipendo and…


Ahhhhh crap

Oh, geez. Level 15? Uh. Yeah. How about them spiders, eh? You’re pretty neat dudes… I’m just uh…


I FEEL DIRTY

Just gonna head over here, alright? Yeah? I’ll be back in just a second. You guys wait right there!

Needless to say, I did not return later, and I spent a lot of time avoiding every single battle I came up against. Which was a lot of them.

What I learned was exploration is frowned upon and I should never do it again.


At the top end of the Great Hall, I stumble upon a portrait room. Shockingly, it’s full of portraits.


Hey there baby, how’s life as a painting on a wall?

What? You want me to go inside you?!


Woah where am I

And as if by magic…


Sixth floor, baby

You know what I like about this? It tells you where you are. At no point did I find myself unable to navigate the many halls of Hogwarts. It’s almost like the game creators… learned something and evolved their design.

It has restored some of my faith!


Me too, girl, me too

I don’t think this game could do anything else to ease my doubts!


Oh god!

They’ve got the Grand Staircase! The simple fact that this pleases me can only state how little faith I have in the Gameboy versions of these Harry Potter games! Many tears of joy.


Anyway, one floor up is where the Gryffindor Common Room is. Let’s go!


What a handsome fellow

…and explore some more.


I am… regretting this decision right now

At this point I am mildly afraid of where I’ll end up.


Whew!

So, it’s pretty neat. It seems that all the portraits lead back to the Portrait Room, so if you know which ones go where… You’ve got easy and safe access all over the joint. I didn’t explore this too much further, but I did think it was pretty neat.

Again, another point on the “You’re a wee bit of alright, game”.


Could you not have told me this earlier?

Anyway, to the Common Room.

For real this time. Exploration gets me killed, remember.


The detail on the Fat Lady is horrifying

Everyone’s favourite Prof Dame Maggie Smith McGonagall has some things to tell us about the new school year.


Professor Lupin?! Say it ain’t so!

Shockingly the new teacher that we met earlier is actually the DADA teacher. But! Who is the mystery other new teacher? Pressing buttons leads us to our answer.


Hagrid! A teacher?!

Along with his gamekeeper duties? I hope he’s getting paid double for all this extra work he’s doing.

Prof McG has more to say though (god she never stops)


Oooooohhhhhhhh bad Hermione!

Uh oh, what’s Hermione done now?!


You read my mind, Harry

So Hermione, what was going on? You got detention or something?


That is vague enough to satisfy my curiosities.

Professor McGonagall has had enough of all the kids still being awake.


For some reason all the Gryffindors have Transfiguration?

She’s gonna be having a busy class. But she’s right, time for bed for our students. Not that we have much choice in the matter.


~Transition screeeeen~


Harry just wakes up and…


Dammit Hermione, let a boy get some coffee

Fine. No breakfast for us. Let’s go learn to Transfigure things.

BUT FIRST!

Exploration!


I think we have our first stop

As per expectations with exploring, let’s chat to our friends.


Thank you, friend. Much more helpful than that last douchebag

Fred and George’s shop is much easier to get access to than in either of the previous Harry Potter entries I’ve played. No god damn stealthy parts.


Hello, let me see your wares


I see you have lots of things for sale!

Miscellaneous first, I think.


I can buy them? Aww

Grand Wiggenwelds have lost all their rare beauty. They’re just common rubbish now. Well, let’s see what other stuff I can buy. Maybe some cool new gear?


I’ll just need to go check the corners of my trunk for more sickles

Maybe I’m supposed to save up and buy some of these later…

I probably could use them now though, since I found myself in a battle. Again.



And here we have the rare green snapping turtle and the Neanderthal knight

For some reason I actually try to take these guys on. I was feeling confident until…


What?

Which was quickly followed by a cheeky wee…


Ugh I hate this

See that brownie point you got earlier game? No. It’s gone. Why would you not heal Ron back to full health after they “went to bed”? Why would you keep him as no health? Why? In what universe does this make sense! What were you at? +2 on the good points? +1 now, mate. You better think about what you’ve done.

In my rage I stomp all the way down the stairs and through to Transfiguration class. I find it quickly thanks to this dude


Thank you for reminding me, son

However, the first floor that was referring to is actually the ground floor so… That’s another mark off, game. Why can’t you count floors?! Up the first flight of stairs is not the second floor! They’re falling thick and fast now that I’m annoyed.


We made it in one piece. Sort of

Ah classrooms. What will we be learning today, Prof?


Ooooh, Animagi. This could be interesting

She shows off her skills


To be honest, I can’t unsee Predator mouth for some reason

The class are absolutely out of control after seeing this amazing feat of magic


*crickets*

McGoogle isn’t very happy about this


Maybe they just don’t like cats

We never do find out what got into the class. It was just left as a vague comment with no satisfactory conclusion. McGonagall gets over it quickly, so I suppose I should too.


Wait a second here…

What happened to the Animagi lesson? I learned nothing about them! Cats?!

The fact that I have a “challenge” coming up frightens me something terrible. Not because I am afraid that they’ll be anything like the “challenges” I faced in CoS… but the fact that these challenges even exist. I hope this isn’t just a waste of time.


HULK SMASH

What the hell? What the absolute HELL does this have to do with Transfiguration? I mean really? REALLY? REALLY?

You’re now at -1. All the goodwill you had built up, dashed. In a matter of moments. I hope you’re happy, game.


I wish I could run away like this cat

Sigh. Into the maze we go. Ugh.


And this looks just like the rest of the castle

Not even any effort to make the dungeon place look even slightly different. Game… you’re losing respect fast.

Luckily the battles are a bit more reasonable.




This guy is sad because all he wants to do is dance

I dispatch these guys with no bother, and come up against my first puzzle.


BUTTONS!


Flipendo does nothing? Well, I’m out of ideas.

I spend an embarrassingly long time here shooting flipendo at the buttons. The more I do it… it doesn’t make things happen any faster.

I at some point decide to just venture slightly to the right… and I discover the true puzzle.


BLOCKS!

I was half right. I had to flipendo the blocks on to the buttons.

Right. Time to press on. More battles are consumed and fun is had. I guess.


Ahahaha, the turtle farts fire



Ayyyy ladies

Another puzzle room comes up.


oh no what do I do now

Luckily this time I am a super pro at this block moving nonsense.


BOOM

I am so pro. TOO PRO FOR THIS GAME.

A bit further down the line…


Why are you here?

No seriously. Why are Slytherins here? This is a Gryffindor class. How did they get in here? Did McGonagall just go “Aye, alright kids, you can hang around in here”? Seriously. Why?



Ahahahaha I cannot stop laughing at Crabbe’s sprite

The battle ain’t no thang (probably because I don’t have Ron in the party, sorry Ron but you’ve not done me proud) and I get some awesome bootay.


Only 8 sickles? Why is Malfoy hanging out with these poor folk

For some reason, only Hermione can wear the hat. Probably because it’d mess up Harry’s cool look, and Hermione could probably use it to cover her frightfully untameable hair.


It must be over now, I think. We’ve beaten the “boss” of the dungeon, and they ran off. Can I not just leave?


NOPE

AAAARGH

Luckily this room is just flipendoing the blocks in the one direction they can move. I get out in no time.

So Professor, what do I get for all my hard work?


P-Professor? Anything?


I GUESS NOT

The bitch just blanked me and walked away!


Thx Prof, but we learned this in First Year…?

I guess she just wanted to congratulate Harry in front of the class by teaching him AND ONLY HIM a new spell.

But finally class is over. Surely now it must be time to relax. After all, the school day is just one lesson and then bed?


This… is gonna be fun…