Originally Posted by
Colonel Angus
The cold night air felt as thick as the snow that covered the ground. Santa and Frosty hid behind the Reindeer stables, wearily holding their breath. For they knew, if they would breath, the smoke would give their location. All Christmas Eve they were hunted like endangered animals at a dentist convention.
"Your days are numbered, Fatso!" shouted a woman's voice from the other side of the barn. "Aye, Christmas will be ours."
Santa silently signaled to Frosty to head over the hills into the Enchanted Gum Drop Forest. Surely, these fiends wouldn't think of venturing there. As the portly duo made their way, a barrage of snowballs fell about them.
"Heads up, Snowbutt!" Yelled a man from atop the stables. It was Dat Matt, armed with a snowball launcher. "Shauna, they're going into the woods!"
Shauna ran around the stable, flinging Christmas ornaments at Santa's head. "Aye, ya bloody fat bastard! Christmas will be ours!"
Santa and Frosty rolled down the other side of the hill, out of range of the angry Scots fire. Shauna and Matt ran up the hill. "I've got them, lassie!" Matt shouted, pointing a bazooka at the holiday duo. Suddenly, a rain of Reindeer "Chocolate" fell upon them.
"Rudolph with your bowels so full, thank you for saving Christmas tonight!" Santa cheered, waving.
"Santa," Rudolph said, "You and Frosty better run for it, there's more fiends ready to take your place as king of Christmas!"
Santa and Frosty made their way into the Woods. The trees were covered with fruity sweet gumdrops, which reflected the moonlight in dazzling colors. The deeper they went, the brighter the colors.
"Ho, ho, ho,"' Santa chimed, "the light is so bright, it burns my eyes."
Frosty, who noticed he was getting a little soft, replied, "Santa, I don't think the light is what's burning your eyes!"
The forest was lit ablaze by two men with flamethrowers. "Bah humbug!" Psychotic yelled, fanning the flames at Frosty. DK lit a molotov cocktail and tossed it at Santa. But before it could get to him, Frosty used the last of his Snow powers to put the forest into a deep freeze. The flames flickered out, the molotov cocktail fell in a frozen thud. Psychotic and DK turned to popsicles.
"Frosty!" Santa cried, "why did you do this?" Frosty was nothing more than a whirl of winter air. His magic hat floated high into the air, out of sight.
"I had to save Christmas," said the undone snowman. "If I didn't, I would've melted and they would've destroyed the North Pole. You're our last hope, Santa! You have to get to the Polar Bear's Cave and get her help!"
Santa scooted off, knocking down the DK ice figure, shattering it. As he exited, Frosty's hat fell from the sky and landed upon Psychotic's head.
Before he could reach the Polar Bear's Cave, Santa came across the Elve's Workshop. Outside were two of his most trusted elves, Pike and Mr. Adequate. They were on their break, tossing around a beach ball. "Boy, I wish I didn't have to work on Christmas Eve!" Pike said, as she caught Mr. A's pass.
"If we were in charge, my dear Pike," Mr. A said, "You could spend your days writing Christmas Carols instead of slaving for minimum wage!"
He then turned to Santa. "Slave Driver!" He shouted, as tossed the ball at Santa. "My dear Pike doesn't want to build your shoddy toys anymore! So I'll make sure she never will again!"
Pike and Mr. A jumped Santa, pulling on his beard, kicking him in the belly. "Ho, ho, no..." Santa cried. He struggled to pull them off, but the little scampers wouldn't give. "$15 an hour and 5 weeks vacation!" screamed Pike as she gave Santa a wedgie.
Santa cried in horror. "$15? Do you think this is a for-profit?" Santa scolded, "I'll put you on a shelf, you mischievous elves!" He picked up Mr. A and swung him like a sack, knocking Pike into a tree. He twirled around and around, violently swinging Mr. A. Santa flung the elf far across the mountains. Pike wearily looked on in horror.
"We'll get you, Santa!" She cried, running after her boyelf. Santa continued on, for he was getting tired.
Soon Santa made it to the Polar Bear's Cave. The Polar Bear was fast asleep in her bed. Santa decided to crash on the couch, as the fire inside was nice and warm. "Oh, my feet are so sore."
What seemed like moments later, there was a sharp rap at the door. Polar Bear, who must've been hibernating, was fast asleep. So Santa went to the door and peeked through the peephole. Unfortunatley, it was a reverse peephole, so he couldn't see a thing.
"We see you, fatty!" Yelled a man's voice from the other side. "We got something for you, special delivery from a good friend."
Santa was trusting, but wasn't a fool. "Who are you?" he said. "I'll have you know, I'm in here with a large bear, a bear with a vast gun collection!"
"C'mon Santa," said another man's voice, "We're here with a delivery, not to hurt you."
Santa decided to open the door. If anything maybe this will end all this nonsense.
There stood two smiling men in suits. One was wearing a Darth Vader mask, the other a jaunty fedora. "Merry Christmas, Santa!" they shouted, handing him a FedEx envelope. Santa opened it as they stood there beaming.
"You have been served with a lawsuit by Raistlin and Associates. We hearby claim Christmas for Raistlin and his Associate, Del Murder. Any claim upon Christmas by Mr. Santa Claus aka Kris Kringle aka Saint Nicolas, shall hereby be null and void."
"You're suing me for Christmas!" Santa roared, tearing the papers into tiny pieces.
"Would you rather we kill you?" Del Murder asked.
Santa pondered. "Yes," he said.
Del pulled out a Tommy gun. "Have it your way," he said. But before he could pull the trigger, a giant Polar Bear came leaping from behind Santa, landing on the unknowing duo. "Run Santa!" roared the bear.
Santa ran and ran. He made it all the way to the Ice Bridge. The bridge was very slick and there was nothing to hold onto. When he made halfway across, the was greeted by a large yellow bird.
"KWEH!" it said, flapping it's wings. Santa pet the large bird, the likes he never seen before. He noticed a saddle and hopped on.
"I think this is a new friend!" Santa said, riding the bird across the bridge.
Then the bird suddenly stopped. Flipping Santa off, down into the canyon. As Santa cried, Rudolph swooped down and caught Santa's collar in his mouth. "Rudolph!" Santa yelled in glee, as Rudolph lowered him down.
Santa gave Rudolph a hug. The Yellow Bird landed, with none other than Psychotic on his back.
"Psychotic!" Santa yelled, "How did you get here?" He then noticed Frosty's hat on Psychotic's head.
"Oh, I get by with a little help... from YOUR friends!" he quipped, cackling loudly. The yellow bird popped it's head off, to reveal that it was Loony BoB in a costume.
"BoB! How could you?" Santa cried. "I thought you loved Santa."
"Oh, you blubbering fat turd," BoB sneered, "I love Christmas, not a fat old elf like you. Christmas will be ours, and you can't do anything about it."
Psychotic stepped up and exclaimed, "With the power of Frosty's... nay... MY HAT, I will become the TRUE KING of CHRISTMAS!"
The ground shook wildly as a large moose appeared. On it's back rode the Shaunas. "Not so fast, you wanker," yelled Shauna, "We're takin' Christmas for ourselves!" Matt stood on the back of the beast, bare chested, painted in green and red paint. "You may take our dignity, but we're going to take your Christmas!" he bellowed.
Then came sliding along on the back of a pair of penguins was Pike and Mr. Adequate, who landed on an Electrical Wire and was nothing more than a charred skeleton. "Those who sow the seeds of the holidays shall be the bearer of the fruits!" yelled Pike screamed, swinging a morning star above her diminutive head.
As the penguin made a beeline for Psychotic, a large Yeti landed in it's way, knocking the elves back. DK jumped off the shoulder of the Yeti. "So you found a new mate, mate?" he asked Psychotic.
"Wha..." Psychotic said in shock, "You were frozen to death! What the hell do you suppose I do? Give up?"
"We helped him," said Del Murder, who was riding sidecar on Raistlin's Motorcycle.
"But why?" They all wondered.
Yes we're all wondering why. Why are they trying to take over Christmas? Why are they doing any of this? What happened to Frosty? Where's Mrs. Claus? What does any of this have to do with Christmas? And most of all, who will Take Over Christmas?!
Santa was perplexed by all of this. All he knew was that he was done for, but by whom?
Ayen
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