View Poll Results: Why are they concerned?

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  • The sandwich contents could be spilled onto the floor

    1 25.00%
  • They would be sick and/or lose control of their bladder/bowels

    3 75.00%
  • Other (please specify)

    0 0%
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Thread: If someone made a state-of-the-art sandwich..

  1. #1
    Taking care of business Cid's Knight Bubba's Avatar
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    Default If someone made a state-of-the-art sandwich..

    ...then someone else expressed concern that they would be worried about the state of the floor, what would they be worried about?

    If you're wondering, it is a triple fried egg sandwich with chilli sauce and chutney.

    This is based on an exchange from the greatest sci-fi comedy series of all time... Red Dwarf. Series 2 - ep 3

    Lister: "Can Rimmer have a triple fried egg sandwich with chilli sauce and chutney?"
    Holly: "You what?"
    Lister: "It's a state-of-the-art sarnie"
    Holly: "It's the state of the floor I'm worried about"
    Last edited by Bubba; 09-02-2017 at 10:46 PM.

  2. #2
    Sh♥tposter Extraordinaire Jinx's Avatar
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    shiitting on the floor
    mfw you post

  3. #3
    Sh♥tposter Extraordinaire Jinx's Avatar
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    There's also the interpretation that it's massive and whoever eats it will get fat and strain the floor.
    mfw you post

  4. #4
    Sh♥tposter Extraordinaire Jinx's Avatar
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    Maybe if there's that many interpretations of a joke it's not very funny.
    mfw you post

  5. #5
    Taking care of business Cid's Knight Bubba's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jinx View Post
    Maybe if there's that many interpretations of a joke it's not very funny.
    This is no longer a laughing matter... if it ever was.
    Last edited by Bubba; 09-02-2017 at 06:01 PM.

  6. #6
    Yossarian Lives Administrator Psychotic's Avatar
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    For point of reference, the character who then eats said sandwich utters the line "I feel like I'm having a baby". Evidence indeed that one immediately loses control of one's body.

  7. #7
    Taking care of business Cid's Knight Bubba's Avatar
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    Yes, but the other character also says "you have to eat it before the bread dissolves"

    Clear evidence that this is a messy sandwich.

  8. #8
    Yossarian Lives Administrator Psychotic's Avatar
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    If the bread dissolves then so too must one's stomach lining and bowels, thus contributing to the floor being coated in either vomit or faeces.

  9. #9
    Sh♥tposter Extraordinaire Jinx's Avatar
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    Consider this, however: when someone is sick to their stomach, eating bread is recommended as it soaks up stomach acid. He is telling the other character to eat the sandwich quickly so the bread will still be there to cushion his stomach from the sickness he's about to get.

    Thus, the floor will be covered in trout.
    mfw you post

  10. #10
    Yes homo Mr. Carnelian's Avatar
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    Clearly, the person worried about the state of the floor believes that all those present will fight to the death to gain possession of the sandwich, thereby covering the floor with gore, which will be a real hassle to clean up.

  11. #11
    Taking care of business Cid's Knight Bubba's Avatar
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    OK, well I've messaged Rob Grant and Doug Naylor (who wrote the first six series of Red Dwarf) and linked this thread. They no longer speak to each other but I'm hoping that one of them will be kind enough to reply and put this debate to rest.

    If not, I am going to attend the next Red Dwarf convention and get it straight from the horse's mouth.

  12. #12
    Yossarian Lives Administrator Psychotic's Avatar
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    I must present a further piece of evidence. Namely, what the devourer of the sandwich in the episode, Arnold J. Rimmer, described the experience as. In his words, "like a cross between food and bowel surgery."

    Bowel surgery, ladies and gentlemen. At this point you will surely be asking what the side effects of bowel surgery are and I am only too happy to draw your attention to this informative health website.
    Side-effects are the unwanted but mostly temporary effects you may get after having the procedure. The possible side-effects of bowel surgery include:

    • pain and discomfort in your tummy (abdomen)
    • changes in your bowel movements, such as constipation or diarrhoea
    D-i-a-r-r-h-o-e-a.

    My friends, I put it to you, if such a procedure occurred via the consumption of a sandwich, would it not run the risk of faecal matter ruining the floor upon which the consumer is standing? Thus would not the ship's computer's concern be, not in easily cleaned up sandwich spillage which a skutter or two could easily wipe away, but instead a tidal wave of poop?

    Bubba, I am sorry, I am so sorry. Your life has been a lie. You need to come to terms with it and stop lashing out at the rest of us. We only want you to see the world the way it truly is.

  13. #13
    Taking care of business Cid's Knight Bubba's Avatar
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    No, no, no.

    Even losing control of ones bowels wouldn't immediately tarnish the floor. The character was definitely wearing trousers and I assume, underpants. The same character is clearly a fan of underpants (as he keeps them on coat hangars) so I am convinced he had some on.

    Now, a sudden relaxing of the bowels would firstly fill the underpants, then would need to travel down the inside of his trouser legs before threatening the cleanliness of the floor. If this did happen, it is human nature to dash to the toilet for some privacy. I find it hard to believe someone would just stand there, let sh*t run down their clothing and stain the floor.

  14. #14
    Crazy Scot. Cid's Knight Shauna's Avatar
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    This thread is happening in the year of our lord 2017

  15. #15
    Yossarian Lives Administrator Psychotic's Avatar
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    Bubba, Bubba, Bubba. You cannot apply the normal rules of defecation to explosive diarrhoea. This is of course categorised by two features:

    1. A build up of pressure in the bowel which is instantaneously released, and
    2. A watery stool.

    The end result of the state-of-the-art sandwich would not be to slowly trickle down one's leg, but instead to pour through the seat of both the underpants and trousers at a great speed and thus onto the floor almost immediately. This occurs irregardless of the afflicted's intention to hurry to a toilet.

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