It suppose is my duty to tell you, that Nessie is real. Maybe it's time I finally come out with my story. Maybe...I can be at peace once more.

It was a dark, sunny night, around Winter time last year, that my story begins. I was observing the end of the world; trying my best not to fall off, as usual. I often do this. It really is a magnificent sight. Afterwards I usually take a peek at the little men living inside the earth. They speak to me, sometimes. It was then I travelled to Scotland, looking for Scottish Leprechauns. A very rare find, I might add.
It was then I saw the lake. I saw something moving inside. This was very odd!
So I took all of my clothes off, and jumped in. The water was so hot, I almost burned, but, because of my leather skin, I did not. She rose out of the water; the most magnificent life form I had ever encountered, and she said,
"Do you know. Where to find my dog. I've been looking. For a long. Time." I looked at her, and found myself getting all the more frustrated. I said,
"No, I don't know where your blasted dog is! I'm trying to find Leprechauns, and you're scaring them away!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Really. I didn't realise. I just get lonely. Without. My. Dog."
"Well, sod off! You'll not find him here!" It was at that moment she sulked off, mumbling some incomprehensible obscenities.
It was two years later that, I realised, that what I had seen had been none other than the Loch Ness Monster.

Now, I have to tell you that this is not comedy. This is not me trying to be funny, and, I'll probably get angry if you speak to me about it. I'm very touchy when it comes to the subject of Ness-Ness. Do with this information what you will.