On Frenchie and Fear

[The Devil Man]

I understand your fear of Frenchie.

I too once felt this way. When I was younger, Frenchie was something strange, even alien, to me. I could not fathom his angles and curves. Was that a tongue? Or something more... sinister?

But time after time Frenchie professed his love for me, and for all Mankind. And I came to see his glory, his love. I realized that, in my denial and ignorance, I had been a milquetoast.

But now Frenchie has set me free. I am enveloped in his love, represented in our earthly realm by his glorious tongue. His bald head, his swollen chin, his thin mustache - it is as if Mankind has crafted the face of God onto the surface of the moon. It is looking upon the august, splendid features of divinity.

So I come to you in the spirit of friendship and brotherhood. I ask you, consider Frenchie's love for you. Consider his tongue, rising from the valley that is his mouth - it protudes mightily into the air, seeking love. Always seeking.

I understand your fear, as I said when I began. But think back. In your life you have surely found something at one time to be scary, even abhorrent. Yet these feelings faded and you now accept, even embrace these things. Do me one thing, even if you do fear Frenchie - list here these other things you have once feared, but now do not fear.

I used to be abjectly, profoundly terrified of zombies. Don't ask me why. I've never encountered a more inept foe. Their only strengths are relentlessness and numbers. Anyone with smarts and two hours to prepare can make a decent barricade. A quick read of The Zombie Survival Guide will teach you a very great deal about how to deal.

Yet I was terrified. I mean, quite literally, it was an obsessive fear - I would lie awake at night worrying about the possibilities of zombie uprisings.

Now, however, this has passed. Whilst I am still somewhat wary I am not gripped by any fear regarding the matter. Rather I feel a little apprehensive and am ready to act on the situation. This pleases me because actually, zombies are incredibly cool. They're like the best horror movie enemy ever. Now that I don't fear zombies, I really quite like them.

I am sure I am not the only one who has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what you are talking about.


Kids! This is why you should ALWAYS SO NO TO DRUGS!