These are boring if you don't comment. Pro tip.

1) Best Member
I wouldn't associate myself with any of these "people", and for the most part Best Member entails nothing more than sad attempts at establishing "relationships" in order to propel oneself in Internet popularity. It literally makes me sick in my small intestine.
Winner: Levian

2) Best Male
Now here's a list I can agree with. They're all male, as far as I know. You guys got it right for once.
Winner: Donkey Kong

3) Best Female
I don't know what they're doing here. They should be in the kitchen making me a sandwich, but I guess since you hippies don't care about personal nutrition, I'll have to adapt to the changing times.
Winner: ShlupQuack (although her inclusion in the category is highly debatable, but you know how the Internet obscures genitalia)

4) Best Administrator
Me. The end, bitches. I AM the Invisible Hand. Shlup getting back on staff? My idea. Annoying Raistlin? My idea. Chocobo forum icons? Yup. Dislike the egoism oozing from this post? Deal with it, bitch! Or at least deal with it enough NOT to vote Leeza as Best Admin... or Loony BoB. Or the other guys. Hi.
Winner: Leeza -- I never trusted you guys anyway

5) Best Cid's Knight
Who cares? They no longer matter. We talk about equality within staff, but come on! Come on! We beat them at softball over 75% of the time anyway.
Winner: Levian

6) Best Site Staff
Forum-administered competition that acknowledges site contribution? I want to know what AG is smoking. Must be the good stuff.
Winner: Spatvark

7) Best Recognized Member / Former Staff
More like Best Has-been. Am I rite?
Winner: Chemical -- Once you win, any nagging concerns about the competition being a "popularity contest" are overlooked by the populace much like the dude who wins an Oscar and starts talking [img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img] about the "War in Iraq". You should also probably win one after so much time here, but hey, if being uncool is cool, then sign me up!

8) Best Veteran
This list should read, "Best Newbie minus Dr Unne". I'm getting too old for this...
Winner: Meat Puppet

9) Best Regular
This is like, "Best First-born Child". I was there during the great vB upgrade of '04 and the Great Spam Threads of '01 and '02. They will never know the pain.
Winner: Quin 'n' Tonic

10) Best Newbie
You probably know where I'm going to take this, so I won't bore you about the possibility of one sperm in a million entering the egg.
Winner: Jigsaw

11) Nicest Member
Nice on the Internet is like... uhm. Well, whatever. Like they're still mean, but the Internet has really mean people so these people seem nice in comparison. All my poop can't be golden!
Winner: Xander

12) Evilest Member
Is this Hitler evil or Satan evil? I really couldn't tell you the difference with these guys. Any of you vegetarians and also happen to invade your neighboring country? Only one criteria has to be met to fulfill the requirements for this award.
Winner: Lindy

13) Sexiest Male
Drop the “e” and I would have certainly voted for Yamaneko's good friend Devil Man.
Winner: Jowy

14) Sexiest Female
Hey, I'm not complaining and neither should you. As long as you keep it cyber, certain imperfections can be overlooked.
Winner: Leeza – hi Leeza

15) Cutest Male
Don't think sexy thoughts! Don't think sexy thoughts!
Winner: Hsu

16) Cutest Female
I'll let Kishi field this one. Field, right? OK, just making sure.
Winner: Rye – hi Rye

17) Best Custom Rank
Can anyone ever recall custom ranks off the top of their head? This is just terrible. If only there were some kind of Internet scripting language that would “link” me directly to a person's custom rank. Oh well.
Winner: Old Manus

18) Best Avatar
Battle of the animated gifs as far as I'm concerned. The rest of you can go to static image hell for all I care.
Winner: Shiny – I don't know. I'm typing this in OpenOffice so I can't check avatars.

19) Best Signature
I don't see a person's sig. I judge them by the size of their penis.
Winner: ShlupQuack – debatable, remember?

20) Best Artist
Who designed the toilet bowl? It really beats taking a dump in a hole.
Winner: Rye

21) Best Graphic Designer
This isn't real art. Good thing it has it's own category then.
Winner: Her Majesty's Agent Umaro

22) Best Writer
Compared to Tolstoy, it's evident they all suck. I wouldn't even try, personally. Just keep on living the dream that you'll become famous after you die. Yeah, way to enjoy that.
Winner: I'm my own MILF

23) Best Poet
Poetry is for suckers and lazy people. Good list you have here.
Winners: Del Murder

24) Best Poster
Let's play “odd one out”...
Winner: Kawaii Ryűkishi

25) Best Spammer
Yay! Halfway done.
Winner: Alastair|UK

26) Best Chatter
Chatting is the lowest form of communication outside of grunting of course. At least grunting is useful for moving your bowels.
Winner: runah

27) Funniest Member
One through twenty-six.
Winner: Dr Unne

28) Weirdest Member
One through twenty-seven. Code for, “is it obvious now?”
Winner: Necronopticous

29) Horniest Member
I'm my own MILF and Devil Man should get together. There's at least some tangible benefit for one of them. The other can just enjoy “the ride”.
Winner: I'm my own MILF – I actually deleted the list of candidates before I could choose, so I just pasted the last name I had in my clipboard. Neat.

30) Biggest Fanboy/girl
Or, “let's throw reason out the window because the world depends on the success of a particular consumer electronics brand”.
Winner: Erdrick Holmes

31) Most Normal Member
What's wrong with them? No seriously. Ever tasted “normal” milk?
Winner: Azar

32) Most Underrated Member
...For a reason.
Winner: Jebus

33) Most Improved Member
Kind of like how they used to give the little stars to the “special” kids. Nice one Award Guy. Nice one.
Winner: Roto13

34) Most Masculine Member
The more manly, the more likely Miriel kicks you in the balls. I don't envy them.
Winner: RSL

35) Most Feminine Member
I was looking at the list and I nodded in a vertical fashion five down, but then I quickly had to shake my head horizontally when I got all the way down.
Winner: Raistlin

36) Most Missed Member
Did we ban BOU yet?
Winner: RSL

37) Most Helpful Gamer
I could go to my local game store and buy the strategy guide if I wanted to, but I have some integrity at least. You're just part of the problem.
Winner: Kawaii Ryűkishi

38) Most Helpful Techy
Or, “Who's Linux install can cram the most [img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img] on screen without crashing the x server”, plus Rye.
Winner: Dr Unne

39) Most Helpful Member
Leeza did give me mouth to mouth that one time. It was weird because I hadn't choked on anything. But hey, I'm not complaining in the least.
Winner: Leeza

40) Cutest Couple
I'd like to get in on some of the action, however little it may be, since y'know the Internet is not the best place for the exchange of fluids. Clogs up all those tubes.
Winner: ButThePoncho & ShlupQuack – gimmie cookie!

Most Likely To…

41) Become a Cid's Knight
For purposes of the competition, you guys go ahead and fantasize. I'll be over there when you want your reality check.
Winner: Meat Puppet -- I have something in my eye There we go

42) Get Banned
It would be small of me to make the obvious Devil Man joke here. Just thought I'd let you know.
Winner: Lindy

43) Succeed
I don't get it. These are all active members.
Winner: eestlinc

44) Fail
http://forums.eyesonff.com/memberlist.php
Winner: Raistlin

45) Win a Ciddie for the very first time
Or, “the Loser Award”. Lots of 'em here.
Winner: Alive-Man

46) Be voting for RSL in every category
Who?
Winner: Dr Unne

47) Not be able to get their fingers out of a finger trap
I remember we had a school fair back in elementary school and I won a finger trap from one of the booths. Well the moral of the story here is, don't buy your merchandise from cheap Third World manufactures. The ride home was extremely boring.
Winner: I Took the Red Pill

48) Cry when the whale jumps over the boy in Free Willy
The Director's Cut is better.It also has the added benefit of allowing me to reference a Simpsons' episode. Score!
Winner: Evastio

49) Lead a rebellion against the Forums Staff
The first successful slave rebellion was in San Domingo led by Toussaint L’Ouverture in 1890. A slave himself, Toussaint would have led his armies to victory against the French colonial machine if it were not for the sudden rise to power of a young general called Napoleon Buonaparte. In 1802, Napoleon resumed hostilities with San Domingo, but after he imprisoned Toussaint, the French revolutionary state was not able to hold off the armies of Jean-Jacques Dessalines, and in January of 1804, the now Haitian state, was able to formally declare Independence from France.
Winner: edczxcvbnm

50) Get Together
I don't know enough to make an accurate and informed guess. I'm tired from the previous one.
Winner: Christmas & Old Manus

The Highwind Awards - for exemplary work as a Site or Forums Staffer, voted for by the Staff.
THE BELOW IS FOR FORUMS STAFF ONLY - IF YOU ARE NOT FORUMS STAFF, LEAVE THIS OUT!
Forums Staff Highwind Award
I've taken it upon myself to go against the grain so to speak and give it a go on this one... so to speak. Plus I will be voting for this one... maybe.
Winner: Yamaneko – Eh, why not? I don't talk about myself enough.

THIS IS FOR SITE STAFF ONLY - IF YOU ARE NOT SITE STAFF, LEAVE THIS OUT!
I don't care 'cause I'm done with this [img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img][img]/xxx.gif[/img]. Instead of writing up my final, I went ahead and wasted an hour and a half destroying you guys in front of your peers. Just to be fair, I'll make a crack at myself.

This will undoubtedly fail to humor some people, and as such will reflect poorly on my own skills. Can't win them all, I suppose. There might also be some misspellings, highlighting my ineptness in mastering the English language.