Man, you guys are slacking! We have a whole forum devoted to this at DIC!

Remember Picabo Street?

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street
(pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo)
is not just an athlete ... she is now a nurse
currently working at an Intensive Care Unit
of a large me tropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer.
It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
Picabo, I.C.U.

Q: What's a polar bear?
A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform!

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 0.99999...

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?
A: Elephant banana cosine theta perpendicular to both, oriented via the right hand rule.



Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."



The company boss was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"


I wish I was your derivative so I could play tangent to your curves.


I wish I was your second derivative so I could explore your concavity.


Q:what's yellow and green and eats nuts?
Aonorrhea

Q: What is the difference between a hooker and an onion?
A: Onions make you cry when you chop them up


A woman walks into the pro shop at her local golf course complaining that there are bees on the course and that she was stung by one.
The shop pro asks, "Where were you stung?"
The woman responds, "Between the first and second hole."
The pro then tells her, "Well, your stance is too wide."


A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air. His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack? Smoking is hazardous to your health!”

To which the man replies, “I am a programmer. We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”




One day Tarzan and Jane were sitting in a clearing, talking. Jane asks, "Have you ever had sex before?"
To that Tarzan asks her what sex is. She goes on to describe it and he replies, " Sure, I use hole in tree for that."
Jane smiles and tells his that he's got it all wrong, that men use women for that then asks if he would like to do that to her.
Tarzan grins, stands up and kicks her right in the crotch!
After Jane is finally able to talk between the tears and screaming she asks Tarzan, "Why in the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees."

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T
PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.....

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. IF THERE ARE 144 UNEDUCATED PEOPLE IN THE ROOM, IS IT CONSIDERED GROSS IGNORANCE?

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, 'WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?' SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTI PLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO 'GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?'

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTL E DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE AN 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED 'HEMORRHOIDS' INSTEAD OF 'ASSTEROIDS'?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?