Or take my step-by-step diet for men. My regime will guide you 24 hours a day, the DD way! (oh god)

9:00am: Wake up, roll off your bed and onto the floor. Hoover up crumbs with your mouth - if hungover, then finish the beer you were drinking.

9:30: Burn toast, give it to dog. Give up and grab some chocolate digestives. Cup of tea with two sugars.

11:15: Light snack time. If at home, BLT sandwich. If at work, try and find some time to go to Maccy D's or KFC. Don't be fussy, get a meal and get a discount.

12:00: If weekend, you're probably feeling better. Have some neat vodka shots. If weekday, go to the nearest Starbucks, Costa, wherever, and get a hot chocolate with marshmallows and a cake for good measure.

3:00: Milkshake. 3:00 is always milkshake time. None of that Protein tit either.

5:00: Snack before dinner. Usually chocolate or crisps - both if you feel like it.

7:00: DINNER. Pizza with extra mozzarella, kebab, fish and chips, whatever. Treat yourself, and if you have a girlfriend/wife eating with you, steal half of their portion. You'll both be feeling better for it.

8:00: Cake time.

10:00: Beer or fatty drink. Depends on tomorrow's schedule and how busy you are.

1:30: Get up at midnight and drink milk (full fat) and make a sandwich.

4:00: Get up again and eat those leftover crusts from that sandwich earlier.

Vomiting is expected, don't worry. If you're sick, it means you're doing a good job.