Bubba’s Detective Agency had an anonymous tip that these nominees for Nicest Member speech at not quite all they seem. Bubba sent his apprentice out to take some notes on two of the nominees, while he went after the third. These are their stories.
Originally Posted by
Bubba
The sun was shining as Rantz merrily walked home from work. People would smile and wave as they walked by him. Everyone loves Rantz. He is so nice.
Susan, a good friend of Rantz, approaches him pushing a pram.
"Hi Rantz!"
"Hi Susan! You look fantastic and so does Charlie!"
"Aww... Bless you. You're so nice, Rantz!"
Susan's phone begins to ring.
"Ooh, it's the gas man. .I need to take this. Can you watch Charlie for a second?"
"Sure thing!"
Susan turns away to take the call. Rantz smiles down at the baby who is happily playing with his rattle. "Aren't you a little cutie pie?!"
A voice suddenly sounds in Rantz's head...
"Take the rattle."
"What? Why?"
"Because you want it... don't you?"
"No... erm, well... yes. Yes I do."
Rantz steals the rattle and pockets it.
"Now flick his ear."
Rantz obeys. Charlie begins to cry. Susan turns back round.
"Sorry Susan, it looks like Charlie's a bit grumpy!"
"Oh, don't worry. What's the matter Charlie? Are you hungry? Oh, you've dropped your rattle as well, never mind."
"I should be heading on home. It was lovely to see you Susan."
"Aww... you too, Rantz. Thanks again!"
Rantz continued his journey home. More people smiled and waved at him. Everyone loves Rantz. He is so nice.
As you can see from Bubba’s recount, Rantz is not all he seems. How did Bubba know about the voices in Rantz’s head? That’s one secret he’ll never tell.
Originally Posted by
Bubba’s Apprentice
o_O is a hell of a guy. He’s always happy to help a brother out. Problem is, there’s just a little part of him with a wild side. Wild? No, that’s not right. More like… sinister. Sinister and glittery. Standing behind him, in the darkened silhouette, is none other than Fujiko, the puppet master. She is the one pulling the strings, controlling o_O using what tricks she keeps concealed in her glitter bag. Nice deeds may be done by o_O, but he is always quickest to aid that beautiful temptress. When she calls for help, he delivers it; her morals are far less sound than his, and often she uses this kind hearted soul to perform devilish deeds in disguise. Do not be fooled by her ways, and don’t alert o_O! For he is under her spell, and without the proper preparation, he will not believe you; he will kill you.
Terrifying to think that such a genuinely nice person is being corrupted from the outside. We can only hope he has enough strength to resist the sway of that glitter fiend
For this next one, Bubba has ransacked the logs of the popular irc channel #eoff and intercepted a couple of private messages on the side.
Originally Posted by
Bubba
Freya and Tifa's Boobs are chatting on EOFF...
Freya ~ So I finally convinced Jiro to ask out FoA
Boobs ~ Really? That's fantastic! About time too...
Freya ~ I know. They really are two of the nicest people. They're perfect for each other!
Boobs ~ Too right. They haven't got an evil bone in their bodies!
Freya ~ I really hope they hit it off. They'd be the nicest couple on the planet...
From: Jiro
To: FoA
Hi FoA. I was wondering whether you fancied coming over to my house at some point this week? I'd love to show you my collection of bottled internal organs... maybe over a glass of wine?
Jiro
From: FoA
To: Jiro
Sounds absolutely delightful! There are so few gentlemen around nowadays who know how to properly entertain a lady. Tell you what, I'll bring my photo album and we can make a night of it. I've got some really lovely shots of my neighbour's dog.
In various states of decomposition, obviously...
FoA
From: Jiro
To: FoA
Splendid! Shall we say Friday at 8pm?
I think I might have a few animal carcasses at the back of my walk-in freezer. I would love to show you but it might be too much of an effort removing all of my family's corpses first.
Jiro
From: FoA
To: Jiro
Oh, don't trouble yourself. It took me absolutely ages to get rid of mine! I've got some gorgeous jewellery that I made out their teeth and fingernails. If you're lucky I''ll wear them for you on Friday!
FoA
From: Jiro
To: FoA
Can't wait! OK, I better go. I'm just about to cover myself with my own faeces then pleasure myself with a chicken. See you on Friday!
Jiro
From: FoA
To: Jiro
Aww, Jiro! You say the sweetest things! See you Friday!
FoA
I, uhhh, well, these two depraved souls are certainly not who I would want hanging around my children!
Originally Posted by
Bubba’s Apprentice
Pike was designed by one Professor Kinalo Aslet, her programming the most advanced ever seen. But as with every artificial intelligence, Pike is not without her flaws, and often her programming – to perform nice and good deeds wherever she might go – conflicts with her own “learned” knowledge, resulting in disastrous consequences. Have you ever considered what it might be like to suffocate on a lollipop? Imagine yourself faced with the most adorable artificial being in existence, flanked by boxes upon boxes of lollipops, and then that cute little smile as she starts to ram them down your throat with the cheeriest “have a wonderful day.” There is such a thing as being too nice. Pike has been compromised. SkyNet was just the beginning. Pike is the next level.
Just another machine that’s gone haywire. My lord. There you have it folks, five of the “nicest” “people” we have and not a damn one hasn’t got some kind of demons to hide. Watch out EoFF, they’re coming for you!
streme Wheelie
Recognized Member
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