Tell me a joke!

[Calliope]

On reddit recently there was a thread where everyone shared their favourite "terrible" joke. Jokes with puns are my favourite kind, and I love to tell them to people, so please post your favourites here.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. The guy asks, “What’s this about?”

The bartender replies, “Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone’s drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?”

The guy thinks for a minute and replies, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”

[Værn]

A cloud of helium floats into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.

[Del Murder]

How do you spot an extroverted actuary? He looks at your shoes when he talks to you instead of his own.

[Calliope]

Both of those were great! Del, I wonder if Charlie Brown grew up to be an actuary.

A photon checks into a hotel, and the bellhop asks if he can take any luggage.

"No thanks", the Photon replies. "I'm travelling light!"

[Spuuky]

What is an alcoholic astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard?

The space bar.

[Scotty_ffgamer]

Here's one that one of my old college roommates used to say all the time. At least, it was something like this. Anyways...

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

[Pike]

What does wheat say in Germany?

(SPOILER)Gluten Morgen

I invented that one. It's pretty bad.

[I Took the Red Pill]

I've linked to this one before, and I'll do it again. You'll either love it or hate it.

As for a shorter one...

Two monkeys are sitting in a bathtub. One of them says "Ooooh oooh ooh AH AH AH!" The other says "Well jeez, just put some more cold water in it, then."

[Rantz]

"We don't allow faster than light particles in here", said the bartender.

A neutrino walks into a bar.

[Cuchulainn]

*snip*

Har har, being mean is fun. ~Shlup

[Jinx]

I still like the one that I made up about Locky when she moved to Australia.

What spice does Locky use in Australia?
(SPOILER)Tara-gone

[Elskidor]

As she lay there dozing next to me a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."



A seal walks into a club...



The seal one works wonders for Penguins too http://www.funny-games.biz/bloody-pingu.html !

[Sephex]

A forum member posts in Eyes on Each Other.

*rimshot*

[Cosmiccandy]

How many cops does it take to chage a lightbulb? Doesn't matter, they just beat the room for being black.

[Del Murder]

That above one is borderline...let's not go down that road.

Two actuaries went duck hunting. They saw a duck and both took a shot. The first actuary missed 100 feet to the left. The second actuary missed 100 feet to the right. They then celebrated, because on average, they hit the duck.