To Hogwarts!

Ah, the Hogwarts Express, here to take us to where our dreams all do come true. If our dreams include almost being killed by a whole multitude of things. The joys!

But yes, we really ought to go find a seat.


It’s a little bit ginger in here…

Ah, the Weasleys. It looks like the whole team is here! Including everyone’s favourite: Percy. Why is he here instead of with his prissy girlfriend?


Maybe he just wants to look out for his weird flat-faced sister

At no point do they tell you which Gred or Feorge is which. I suppose it won’t matter in the long run, because I am 100% sure that they will have no input on the story.

Apparently they don’t want to sit with the Dream Team. I don’t know why they wouldn’t, and I am slightly offended that they shun us so. Well, who needs them anyway!

To the next compartment!


Looks like someone has been borrowing Hermione’s lipstick…

Oh, it’s the Slytherins. Crabbe’s vacant stare… Horrifying. Let’s take a closer look.


Draco’s had a bit of work done, I think!

Unsurprisingly, there’s no room in here for Gryffindors. Not that they had much banter anyway – lots of scoffing and mudblood-ing. Best move on.

The next compartment is nice and quiet and empty.


Except for Prof Weird Nose here

Our team just stand and stare at the man. Although, who can blame them… I wouldn’t be able to take my eyes of his face either.



I guess she’s been reading Hogwarts: A Future.

Thank goodness for our unending fount of knowledge, who cannot cast basic unlocking charms.


Why, his nose is perfectly normal from this angle!

Somehow the three of them haven’t managed to wake the guy up yet. They also don’t consider it odd that a professor is travelling on the student transport. They just accept Hermione’s explanation and move on.

Luckily, there’s a distraction!


Why’s the rum gone?

Of course, Harry the Hero has to go investigate. Why can he just not stay put for once?

Outside the compartment, we run into another familiar face.


There’s a single white pixel that implies he has buck-teeth. You know who it is from that alone!

What do you want, Neville? You only ever talk to me when you’ve lost your dumb pet, or…


smurf off mate

No. Go to the baggage car yourself. You’re a big boy, you can look after yourself.


That’s not… I don’t…

Ugh, fine. I’ll go find your stupid toad. But let me tell you this, boyo – I won’t be doing this again.

And so, the trio start their investigation of the rest of the train. Here are some highlights!


I call this one the minority compartment

I don’t think it was intentional that it ended up this way… but… All of these guys locked up in the one compartment…


The ginger totally counts

Yeah.

Anyway, here’s the rest of the students that were peppered around the rest of the train.


I saw multiples of the top two, with different hair colours. Even the students get palette swapped!

The portraits aren’t too bad, in all honesty. I like the amount of detail they have put in many of them. That’s about the best compliment I can give.

As I approach the baggage cart…


Spoooooooky!

The lights mysteriously go out! This isn’t good. I better get Neville’s stupid toad and get back before we trip over some Slytherins or something.

I take a single step into the baggage cart…


Neville, mate, you could have got this thing by yourself. He’s practically hanging out at the doorway

UGH. So much work. Right let’s grab the little… well… toad…


What was that?!

A sudden chill filled the carriage, and Harry was knocked out.


Don’t worry Harry, the foetal position always works

Ron and Hermione have to work quick to do… something?

…

Honestly, what am I supposed to do? The Dementors are coming… We know nothing about fending them off…

GIVE ME A SIGN GAME!

And so it did.


A whole 10 EXP!

This thing started flashing after a bit – indicating that I had to Fliiiiiiiiiiipendo it to lock the carriage doors. Why the hell these doors aren’t closed to begin with… I don’t know.

But with the doors locked, Harry is now safe from harm


loljk!

The dementor kicks (?) down the door. I mean, the door shattered into a million pieces. Maybe the Dementor’s Kiss works on solid objects.

I think that’s the end for our heroes. It’s been a short ride, but we did what we could…


Professor Big Nose!

We’re saved! He doesn’t cast any magic, just tells the thing to piss off. And the dementor was all “Aye, alright, I guess. I’ll catch you later” and floats off. What a man.


He is trained in the same deductive reasoning as Hermione

So, it’s a dementor, eh? So what exactly is a dementor? Oh! It’s from Azkaban. Right. That doesn’t help much, to be honest. Can you… tell us a bit more…?


Nope, alright then. Let’s just get going.

Why does Hermione need to do this? Why can’t the conductor just get the train going again? What is Lupin going to do for this period?

…Probably go back to sleep.


Here we are, left with another choice.


I did promise to utilise Won-Won…

Here we go. Ron has nothing equipped. I have nothing to equip to him. The bracelets! Why won’t you wear the bracelets?! Oh god help me.

The battles… the battles…



NO SPIDER PLEASE DON’T I HAVE GOT SO MUCH LEFT TO GIVE

Ron has the exact same spells as Harry in battle. Except he doesn’t have any duo spells, which leaves me at a real disadvantage.


AND NO LEVEL UPS UGH

I think Ron’s image here is the most haunting of them all. I think it’s the lack of face. Harry and Hermione had… features, I guess? He’s just… a matchstick.


Pepperup Potion, you say?

Unfortunately Pepperup Potion is not what I need. These battles have left me scarred. I need… I need… Wiggenweld…


Look at that health, man. That’s… one battle!

This is not going to go well. I heal up, using two of my four potions. Time to press on.



I AM RONALD! FRIEND TO RATS! STOP EATING MY FAAAACE

I am crying here. This is actually going horrifically… I keep using Wiggenwelds…


Why are you on this train, snake?! WHY?

Heart palpitations when going into this battle, honestly. What is a snake even doing here?!



Harry, please, wake up and tell his guy to go away.

The snake’s friend is another brown recluse spider…


Uh… alright...

This guy got a different picture from the rest of them. So weird.

This distracted me for a while. Until I had to… I had to… oh god just…


”Dungeon” two, guys.

I AM CRYING HERE. I don’t know how this could possibly go any worse.


… It doesn’t even…

Not even a full heal. THE GRAND WIGGENWELD IS USELESS.

RON IS GOING TO DIE.


I’ve got nothing left…

Scraping my way through the battles…


And still not a level to show for it

…Ron finally reaches his destination.


I AM SAVED

But hold on a second.

Students aren’t allowed in the baggage car.

But. BUT.

To get food from the buffet car, they need to go through the baggage car?

WHY COULDN’T NEVILLE DO THIS HIMSELF.


So much outrage. Look. Just give me some chocolate, woman. I can’t… deal with this.


HOW MUCH!?

I swear I am being ripped off. Fine. I don’t care.

I just… need to rest or something. Let’s go back to Harry and finish this up.


Back through the baggage car with us!


JESUS CHRIST NO MORE PLEASE


Chocolate: Dangerous Business

I guess they force feed Harry some chocolate somehow, since he’s unconscious and all, but it seems to work and he wakes up.


It was probably Ron, to be honest. He got a beating.

After a moment of stony silence, with nobody sure what to say in answer to this question, a disembodied voice floats through the train.


Thank god

We made it to Hogwarts in one piece. Part of me… honestly wasn’t sure if I was going to make it.
But so ends this chapter…


At long last indeed