Doctor Kanno. Unliscenced Psychologist

[Wolf Kanno]

So I'm setting up shop here in the General forums and I'll be taking your calls or posts about your life problems. At which point I'll come up with some clever answer that really doesn't solve anything and most likely belittles you but you still end up paying my steep fee's...

I'll answer any problem, even made up ones; so let your imaginations run wild.

[Bart's Friend Milhouse]

Can you find me a cure for my latent vampirism?

[The Triumphant Hero]

I have a completely irrational fear of psychologists...Wait! NO! GET AWAY!!!

[Firo Volondé]

Can you help my PS2? I want to play FFX, but it's awesome level is far too high for my PS2. I think it has a self-esteem problem.

[Flying Mullet]

My dog likes to smell its own farts. What should I do?

[Giga Guess]

I am an unwed stripper prostitute mother of 8, and I'm trying to find their fathers.

Oh, wait, the Jerry Springer auditions are down the hall, aren't they?

[Renmiri]

I have an irrational fear of horses but I own a ranch in Texas and dress as a cowboy. Whatever shall I do ?!?!?

PS: I like goats though. I once spent 7 minutes reading the same page of a book about one in live TV

[ReloadPsi]

You gotta help me Kanno, I have this funny feeling that the psychologist I'm trying to contact right now has no interest as evidenced by his six hours of inactivity in his own institution!

[Christmas]

I am not prepared. What do I do?

[Nominus Experse]

I am alive. How do I cure this?

[Giga Guess]

I am alive. How do I cure this?

*Glitch!*

Problem solved.

[theundeadhero]

Sometimes I pee the bed. Sometimes I pour water on a sleeping person's bed and then when they wake up give them a hard time because they "pee'd the bed". Sometimes I want to pee on other people while they sleep. I don't know how much longer I can hold out before I give in

[Wolf Kanno]

Can you help my PS2? I want to play FFX, but it's awesome level is far too high for my PS2. I think it has a self-esteem problem.

Your PS2 is fine, it's just telling you to not waste your time. You should be out enjoying the world or at least playing better games. Your PS2 is just trying to help you. I feel it's telling you to go out and find yourself a woman... and a man... and perhaps that goat Renmiri has an obssession with...

My dog likes to smell its own farts. What should I do?

Train it to smell other people's farts, that way you will always know "who dealt it"

I am an unwed stripper prostitute mother of 8, and I'm trying to find their fathers.

Oh, wait, the Jerry Springer auditions are down the hall, aren't they?

Damn! how did you find me... I mean er no... We live in a modern society where a woman should not be bound by the authority of a man (or his child support)so take heed in the fact that god has blessed you with the opportunity to live so free from manly tyranny.

I have an irrational fear of horses but I own a ranch in Texas and dress as a cowboy. Whatever shall I do ?!?!?

PS: I like goats though. I once spent 7 minutes reading the same page of a book about one in live TV

Release a country and western album. You already have the street cred (or is it ranch cred?) and no one actually expects you to deal with horses. Most country and western stars have never even seen a horse in person.

As for the goat... It is very healthy for a person to consider alternative lifestyles and the heavy drinking and drugs brought on by your future singing career will certainly make you experience it one way or the other. But as you can see from my patient Firo. You need to share these styles with the people who really need it. Think of it as the start of your petty humanitarian side that is brought upon you by your career after you check out of the Betty Ford clinic.

You gotta help me Kanno, I have this funny feeling that the psychologist I'm trying to contact right now has no interest as evidenced by his six hours of inactivity in his own institution!

Don't worry, unlike your psychologist I have an excuse. I was just out drinking with the fairer sex in a sad attempt to comfort my lonely existence with a woman. A woman... who we might say is from a "questionable moral background" but loneliness and alcohol makes you do odd things and I woke up a day later in a bathtub filled with ice and a note... FWI, it is completely true that you only need one kidney to survive

I am not prepared. What do I do?

Preparation is in the mind only and you are more than capable of... (notices the name of the patient.) ...Take out as many people as you can in the ensuing chaos and blame Manus for it.

I am alive. How do I cure this?

How many times have I told you to "walk down the street" not "across it" if that doesn't help. Talk to Christmas at some point today.

I am alive. How do I cure this?

*Glitch!*

Problem solved.

Hey now... I'm the unliscenced doctor here If a pateint is going to die on me, I want it to be by my hands!

Sometimes I pee the bed. Sometimes I pour water on a sleeping person's bed and then when they wake up give them a hard time because they "pee'd the bed". Sometimes I want to pee on other people while they sleep. I don't know how much longer I can hold out before I give in

You suffer from anal control and an unhealthy anti-social behavior that makes you hate everyone around you. This may have been brought upon by the lack of attention as a child and an overbearing parent who used fear to control you. Of course I could also be pulling this out of my ass in a sad attempt to sound important since I can't remember if I actually made it with the "lady friend" I mentioned above.

Basically I'm using you as a stepping board to boost my own personal confidence and I really don't care about your sad bladder problem. All I'll say is keep up the good work. If I have to live a sad lonely existence with my personal inadequecies then why not everyone else?

Can you find me a cure for my latent vampirism?

Become a raver. No one will be able to tell the difference. If Raves are not your thing, then kick a puppy. It won't solve your problem but don't you feel better?

[Owen Macwere]

I don't have any more chips, what should I do now?

[Bunny]

I have daddy issues. Should I cry?