Let me give this a shot! I think I strayed from the body a bit.

My voice is like a car accident and chalkboard screeching mated; I have really boring hair that I'm too lazy to do anything with, and it whooshes out when it's too long and makes me look like Rupert from Harry Potter 4; I have freakishly small hands, and my thumbs bend back in this double-jointed whatever fashion and I can't open or crack things in half for some odd reason; my skin is paler than Michael Jackson's and my ass could lead Santa's sleigh through fog; my face is all ratty, but with a hint of ostrich and a spice of beaten wife, and my nose is really big and makes me look Jewish; ye old teeth needed braces, so hello retainer every night, and what with the coffee addiction it didn't make them any prettier; my feet are also really small, only 7's or so, which is literally half of Roogle's gargantuan walkers; I'm incredibly short, only reaching 5'5; I weigh 117 pounds, which, last I checked, was the opposite of attractive and in the league of fugly pixie stick; I wear black-rimmed glasses in some sad attempt to be cooler than I am; I can't shop for my own clothes because I have no fashion sense and I make other people do it for me; I'm really nervous around others and say stupid things and knock a lot of stuff over and blush a lot; I can't talk on the phone because I'm afraid of people and I make my mother do it all for me; I want my brother's friends and girlfriend to like me so much that I become unlikable in their presence; when I do get comfortable around someone I tilt from shy to obnoxious and annoy the piss out of them; I'm lazy as hell; my game addiction is out of control, and without help I will be playing the same "save the world" story of RPG's until the day I die; I have no particular talent in anything and instead seem to be incompetent in everything; I consider Buffy to be the greatest show in the universe; I hate children; I hate that I'm all uber-cynical all the time and hate stuff; I look at wikipedia pages; people assume I'm smart for some reason, only to find that I'm a dumbass and couldn't pass a math course if I was being pistol whipped by a tutor; I don't like holidays; my family doesn't like me and I don't like them; I don't let people date me because they can do better and shouldn't waste their time; I say things like "soggy lettuce".

Alright, that should kind of do okay. Mail your pity to 666 Super Whiny Baby Dr. Wearingeyeliner, IN 13371