The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

[Flying Arrow]

What's everyone's problem with the Falmer? They're blind. Just sneak around and shoot them point blank in their stupid ugly eyeballs.

[Pike]

Took on two dragons and a sabre cat today at the same time. Felt pretty boss. (Went through about a million potions in the process, though.)

Am currently working through the quest that involves getting drunk and waking up on the other end of the map. It is glorious.

[Hollycat]

They are, but the game doesn't treat them as blind. they are still easier to evade in the dark, and if they were truely blind, you could put on shoes with muffle and walk right through every dungeon.

[Psychotic]

"Do you get to the Cloud District very often? Oh, what am I saying, of course you don't!"

Words I have heard a dozen times or more, and once again the taunt rang out as I walked through the marketplace. But this time, something was different. This time my artifact Daedric Mace connected with Nazeem's head before he finished his sentence, sending it flying clean off. I then casually paid off the 1000 gold bounty like it wasnt no thang, and considered it money well spent.

When I returned, everyone was standing over the corpse, rubbing the crotch. I helpfully stripped him and then hauled the body down to the little stream near the entrance, and dumped it in. I then conducted a thorough search for his head, finding it on a roof. Not finished there, I went over to the meat stall, took a leg of goat from a plate, and replaced it with Nazeem's head. Jackass for sale! Get your fresh jackass! Incidentally his widow watched me do this and gave me a death glare. That was awkward. It then rolled off, was kicked by a running child, and now I can't find it anywhere.

summary: smurf nazeem

[DK]

"Do you get to the Cloud District very often? Oh what am I saying - of course you don't..."

"I actually advise the Jarl on political matters. My input is invaluable, of course. But this is all probably a bit over your head."

"Oh, it took years, but I earned my way to the top. I own Chillfurrow Farm, you see. Very successful business. Obviously."

I couldn't take it anymore. Every time I was in Whiterun, just going about minding my own business, forging daggers to enchant and sell or doing jobs for the companions, He was there. He couldn't just let me be. He had to pass comment in that condescending way of his every. single. time. I'd had enough.

And I tried, believe me I tried to do it nicely. Cleanly. I tried every way I could think of. I snuck in with enchanted gear and tried to backstab him when he was alone. I tried hiding in a corner opposite his bed where I was unseen, to shoot him with an arrow. But every time, one thing or another foiled me. Be it his annoying wife who would be outside then teleport into a corner of the room when I tried running in and backstabbing him as he slept, thinking he was alone. Her being asleep next to him and waking up even though I was silent and efficient. Worst of all, the filthy wood elf shop owner who chased me around the building, standing and staring at me silently at every turn. Ten times I tried to give him a peaceful death, ten times I failed. Eventually I snapped, as any man would. If they weren't going to let me do it the easy way, I'd do it my way.

There were no daggers. There was no sneaking. I marched into the Drunken Huntsman, my warhammer at the ready. I strolled up the stairs, into his bedroom and caved his skull in with one blow. His wife screamed and pulled a knife, I didn't care. The elf tried to shoot me with a bow, I didn't care. When the guards came for me, I happily paid my bounty and followed them to dragonsreach. But that was not the end of it, oh no. As soon as I was done, I went right back. His mangled carcass was still there on the bed just where I'd left it, with the idiot elf staring silently and his grieving wife looking over him. I stripped him of all his possessions, Including that fancy pants snazzy outfit he liked so much, which I put on myself. The protestations of his widow fell on deaf ears as I dragged his corpse downstairs, towards the Huntsmans cooking pit. Mute elf had returned to his spot behind the counter now, still watching on as I threw Nazeem's body over the spit and proceeded to pincushion it with arrows. This is where it will stay, as a warning to all Whiterun. This is what happens when you push a man to his limits. I went back upstairs and teabagged the widow, just to drive the point home, and then I left.

But I will be back Whiterun. I will be back. And you will not ask me about the smurfing Cloud district ever again.

[Pike]

I love you guys and look forward to contributing my own Nazeem story in the future.

[Araciel]

Zug no understand funny man. Funny man keep talking. Zug get hungry. Zug kill man and put body in fire to cook flesh. Breezehome smell good.

[NorthernChaosGod]

I don't have a cool story, but I got really tired of all the smug trouts in Whiterun and ended up shouting them and smashing faces with a mace. I killed a couple people whose names escape me right now.

I don't have enough money to pay off that bounty so I had to reload an earlier save to keep going.

[DK]

I did several new and exciting things in my session today, including:

Meeting the Falmer for the first time. They are hilariously stupid. I was in my sneak gear, my follower was in heavy armour, they charged her, I stabbed them. I quite enjoyed myself!

I also met my first Thalmor, and didn't leave a good impression. I was randomly just wandering the areas around Whiterun killing things to fill up soul gems when I saw fire and flailing swords off to the left, so I ran over to investigate. On arrival I found two dead stormcloaks, and saw three Thalmor Justicars sauntering away into the distance. I did not approve of this, and charged them without giving them a chance to explain themselves. One minute they were smugly walking back to wherever the tit they came from, next thing they knew they were arse over tit 30 feet away and being stabbed to death by a frenzied drunken dragon shouting nord. I look forward to seeing their response!

Nazeem's wife sent a bunch of thugs after me, to avenge her dear husband. I rent them asunder, and co-incidentally just happened to be outside chillfurrow farm. Piled up their corpses and left the contract note on top as a nice present for her when she gets back.

also while I was randomly wandering and filling soul gems I had my first real getting hilariously lost in Skyrim moment and I loved it. One minute I was outside Whiterun killing mudcrabs, and then there was a chain of events that went something like "oooh sabre cat! *kill*" "oooh wolf! *kill* "woooow mammoths! *admire*" "FROST TROLL!! *kill*" and then I realised I was in the middle of some smurfing snowed in forest in the middle of a blizzard, and I had no idea where I was. Behind the frost troll was a tomb or fort of some kind, and I could see some bandits. Surely nothing could go wrong if I jumped in to smash them down? The first two went down easily, and then a bandit chief came steaming in out of nowhere, while I was wearing my bitch gear instead of my proper armour. I was getting my ass handed to me, doing virtually no damage and having heaps taken off. I desperately looked through my inventory for something to bail me out of the situation...THE WABBAJACK! it had let me down so far with mainly poncy fire spells and none of the funny tit, but surely in this situation it would save me? I had almost no health left and shot the chief. Random fire spell, tit. Even less health, shot the chief. smurfing random daedra dremora demon is spawned and immediately kills the tit out of the bandit chief. I was still in the middle of screaming smurf YEAH as it turned around and caved my face in and killed me with one shot. Asshole. Was still funny, mind.

I ended the day going to Riverwood to see Ralof who was sure to be proud of me for being a Stormcloak now, but he wasn't there. This was upsetting but I thought i'd just leave and get on with it. As I left the house he shared with his sister and her husband I saw a chicken right in front of me, and I had my warhammer out. Chicken Polo? This surely can't go wrong! But no, apparently people don't like it when you kill their chickens. The aforementioned husband came steaming in, and was promptly massacred by Lydia. Two more followed him in and both went down with one swing apiece of my warhammer. I had a sudden rush of blood to the head, realising how weak the people of Riverwood were compared to my armoured god of death. I couldn't help it. I slaughtered all of them. Hunted them down like pigs, if they hid inside they were chased inside and none were spared. The only two people left alive in Riverwood are the now oprhaned children. All over a chicken.

finally, this actually happened the other day but I forgot to post about it but it's too great to not mention. I was travelling to High Hrothgar a lot and getting power word locations from the greybeards, hunting down dragons and unlocking some new shouts. I can't remember which location it was, but I was on my way to one of them and when I got closer to the word wall I could see the dragon in the distance already going mental, spamming breath and flying around in battle mode. This confused me some what so I made my way in cautiously. As I got close enough for it to register as an enemy, I was pretty surprised to see it had virtually no health left. This was even more worrying. What the smurf could have screwed this Dragon up so badly that by the time I got to it it only took me two blows to fell it (as a pretty low level character with crappy equipment)? I searched the entire area, and what do you think I found? An army of Frost trolls? A dremora? Dwarvern Centurion? Nope. Literally, the only other living being that was hanging around the word wall, and the only one on the entire mountain was...an elk. just a random elk.

suffice to say I have not been anywhere near the smurfing things since.

[Tigmafuzz]

This thread is smurfing gold.

[Loony BoB]

Regarding companions, I read somewhere on uesp (I think that's the site...) that companions do not level up at all, and remain at the level you were when you met them for all eternity. Something like that. If you have access to the console (PC version only, I think, but I'm not 100% sure) then you can disable/enable them and this should set their level to your current level, apparently.

[Tigmafuzz]

There's a way to get the console on the 360, although I use the roundabout way. I have a user-made program and a wifi connection from my JTAG'd 360 to my laptop. I just enter the console command into the software and hit send. Also a save editor, though that's neither here nor there. >.>
In my legit, non-hacked up file, I've already accomplished pretty much everything. In my hacked-to-the-point-of-almost-feeling-bad-about-it file, I'm busy flying through the air and shooting arrows at dragons from where they can't reach me, and carrying over 15000 pounds of hacked armor/weapons and random crap.

[G13]

Glad to see I'm not the only one plotting Nazeem's downfall. I'll show him what the business sector of the mace district looks like!

Not too many fun stories as of yet, only just picked the game up. Watched a group of "Revelers" get pummeled by an angry bear literally seconds after handing me some Honningbrew mead. Poor bastards just screamed for help as I sipped my mead at a safe distance.

[Quindiana Jones]

Speaking of Nazguleem, I may have also enacted brutal vengeance upon him. Mine was slightly less dramatic, however.

I found him mid-afternoon, strolling around like the smug he was. I followed him, waiting for those magic words. They may have sounded like idle banter, but to me they were permission. "Do you get to the Cloud District very often? Oh what am I sayi-". I save. I return to the game. "-ng, of course you don't". My bow is already drawn, arrowtip almost touching his nose. I let loose and away he flies, don't several stairs, landing broken in front of a town guard. He looks up at me, pauses, then draws his weapon.

I reload the save. I do it all again. When I tire of the bow, I switch to the dagger, then the sword, war axe, ebony warhammer. I must have killed him dozens of times. I still have that save, and I have no intention of saving over it.

I look forward to hearing how everybody else killed his lordship, Sir Twat of erbury Nazeem.

Also, Muffle boots can suck a juicy bellend. Protip: toss the boots, use the spell. Spell = 100% muffle. Boots = 50%. That way you have a spare item for enchanting.

I finally completed my full Dragonscale armour a few days ago. Overall, I now have free Destruction spells and +160% bow damage as well as extra carry weight and health. It's amazing. I feel like a total beast mage now.

[Hollycat]

I went around the world, gathering baskets, put them over everyones heads, slayed nazeem in cold blood, buried him in a 3 foot tall pile of cabbages, then removed the baskets. As they all went to the pile to pick up the veggies (and the dropped murder weapon (wiped clean) an ebony dagger) they slowly came to realize there was something under the pile. and then they found him. And on that day not a single smurf was given.