During my first year at University, living in a long corridor with 21 other blokes, as soon as they twigged that I was doing a degree with the word 'computer' in it, I instantly became OFFICIAL BLOCK 4G TECH SUPPORT OFFICER, and was privy to all manner of callouts ranging from 'I can't torrent the latest episode of $TVSHOW' (the port was blocked, try explaining that to a liberal arts major who tried to cook a pizza in a George Foreman grill), to being roughly awoken at 3am to help Greg (names changed to protect the guilty) load up PornHub.

I remember one of my favourites because I was partly to blame. It was when Llyr (names changed to annoy foreigners), after ten minutes of assorted bangs and curse words reverbrating along the corridor, poked his head in my doorway. I knew what was coming. Imagine the following in the broadest valleys' accent you can. If you cannot imagine a broad valleys accent, picture how you would talk if you had been gargling broken glass for an hour.

"Oh James, my laptop's totally smurfed, come and have a look at it or wa'? Piece of trout won't even connect to the internet"

I went to have a look. I thought about wiping away the carpet of smudges and dust from the screen so that I could properly see what I was doing, but saw the telltale yellowish blastmarks of what was certainly dried semen, and thought better of it. I would go through the usual questions.

"Are you sure you're connecting to the right network?"
"Useless hunk of junk can't connect to any of them mate"
"Have you tried restarting the network car - Never mind, I'll do it now."
"No point even bothering son, It's a piece of absolute troute. I've been bashing it and everything to try and get it to work I tell 'ew. It's always been total dog trout, dunno why I bought it like. How much will a new one cost? I'll go down the library and look them up in a minute now. smurfing Dell, wouldn't know a good computer if I sodomised their mothers with one..."*repeat to fade*

Restarting the network card didn't achieve anything. I moved to temporarily turn off the firewall, but quickly found he didn't have one. I went into the Control Panel to check the device was turned on. I unblocked ports. I tried to connect via proxies. I tried to ping the router at the end of the hall. It had been around half an hour. This problem was about to beat me. Llyr was starting to lose faith in my abilities. THIS COULD NOT HAPPEN. I was about to burn my cards, to fall onto the IT Consultant's Last Resort(tm): Idk, it was a virus. Then I realised the problem. It crashed upon my head like a hooker passing out during oral.

The smurfing network cable was unplugged.