In his sleevies!!
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In his sleevies!!
xD
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
hahah xD Nice joke!
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
(SPOILER)Google plus "worst jokes", "bad puns", etc... make for a happy Mulley. xD
They make for a happy Breine too! xD
If a bartender tends bar, what does a cocktailer do?
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
What is it called when a person sings in the shower?
A SOAP OPERA!!! :breine:
They’re both fat and like to be slapped
What is a writer's least favorite blood type?
(SPOILER)TYPE-O. HUR HUR HUR HUR. :bigsmile:
I am dumber for reading these.
Why did the trombonist cross the road?
To get to the other slide
Why did flying mullet cross the road?
(SPOILER)to tell another stupid joke.
You all know you love these! :love:
What time did the man go to the dentist?
(SPOILER)Tooth hurty.
"My dog has no nose!..."
How does it smell?
"Terrible!"
*Set during the Cold War*
A young, pretty woman, an old hag, a Russian and a US soldier all get on a train. They all sit together in a private car, the lights go out as the train goes through a tunnel. A sound of a kiss, and then a loud smack. The old hag thinks to herself "That soldier must have kissed that young lady and she smacked him."
The young woman thinks to herself "That soldier must have tried to kiss me but kissed the old lady instead and she smacked him."
The Russian, bewildered, said to himself "That soldier must have kissed that woman, she must have slapped me mistaking me for him."
The US soldier chuckled to himself thinking "I kissed my arm and slapped that dirty Russian in the face."
(SPOILER)I have nothing against Russia! Thanks for the vodka!
the last one made me think of something one of the football players told us back in eighth grade that their coach said.
(SPOILER)it's a TURDQuote:
I just gave birth to a little black baby. . . It doesn't have any arms or legs
:aimhappy:Quote:
Originally Posted by Bunny
What do you say when you understand sign language?
I see what you're saying
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who can swim?Quote:
Originally Posted by NeoCracker
(SPOILER)Clever dick.
In breaking entertainment news, it was discovered that William Shatner has three ears.
A left ear, a right ear... and a final frontier!
:love:
xD
Why did I lose my shoes?
(SPOILER)I feel asleep beside a basketball court
True story, by the way.
I love these jokes, they always bring on an exhausted-like laugh... like, I'm ACTUALLY in a genuine sense... but it sounds sarcastic.
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One looks at the other and asks, "Do you smell carrots?"
A man runs into a doctors surgery and yells "Teepee wigwam, teepee wigwam!"
"Relax" says the doctor "You're two tents."
A guy goes to his doctor and says "I think Im a guitar" and the doctor says, there's no need to fret.
I think my favourite bad joke of all time was from my friends little sister a long time ago. I think she was only like 4-5 or something. She came up all "Why did the chicken cross the road?" and when we said we did not know and asked her to inform us she screamed "A BRICK!!!" and ran away cackling like a witch. It made no sense and it was awesome
A man walks into a bar, he says "ouch"
also, this
What do you call Bob the Builder during the recession?
Ans: (SPOILER)Bob
Three blondes walk into a building, you'd think one of them would have seen it.Quote:
A man walks into a bar, he says "ouch"
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall? (SPOILER)Art.
Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket?
(SPOILER)So he could run his fingers through his hair :smug:
Sure these might be a bit too punny and most of them stink (I'm probably a bit too much of a pungent myself) but we have to keep this thread alive :(
Here's a little gem my coworker just shared with me and I couldn't not share it:
Why did the one-armed man cross the road?
To get to the second-hand store!
q: why couldn't the kitten drink its milk?
a :(SPOILER) its head was nailed to the floor
How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
(SPOILER)He felt his presents.
Beautiful! :cry:
Quote:
Originally Posted by I Took the Red Pill
thread won.
What do you call that same man when you take his shovel?Quote:
Originally Posted by I Don't Need A Name
(SPOILER)Douglas
:joker:Quote:
Originally Posted by Raistlin
There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says
‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’
How do you make something holy?
(SPOILER)Burn the hell out of it.
Hey, hear the one about the guy who flew so close to the sun he touched exactly one part of its surface area?
After that he was a real tan gent.
loving it.
1. What do Princess Di and Pink Floyd have in common?
The Wall.
2. Raistlin.
Ashley's face. :mad2:
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
"HEBREWS"
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.. He acquired his size from too much pi.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAQuote:
Originally Posted by Flying Mullet
What is green and glides down the mountain?
(SPOILER)A Skiwi!
Mullet -- though it's a struggle to type through the pain from those obnoxiously terrible puns, you are my hero.
The last two are more unjokes than puns, though those are also amusing.
Q: Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
A: (SPOILER)Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
An egg and a sausage in a frying pan,
The sausage says it’s hot in here
The egg says “omg it’s a talking sausage!”
I don't get your first one, tav T_T
Two elephants and a snake fall off a cliff.
Boom boom, sssss.
More like "boom boom squish"Quote:
Originally Posted by Loony BoB
BADUM TSSS
OK SO
a snail is...snailing down a forest path when she is mugged by a turtle! her fellow woodland creatures call for help and two jack rabbit policemen show up.
"we need you to tell us about the event, ma`am," said one of the policemen.
"oh!" said the snail. "i don`t know... it all happened so fast!"
Two women sitting in a room without talking
Your Mom in front of a mirror.Quote:
Originally Posted by AntRid
YouQuote:
Originally Posted by KentarouYour Mom in front of a mirror.Quote:
Originally Posted by AntRid
MeQuote:
Originally Posted by AntRidYouQuote:
Originally Posted by KentarouYour Mom in front of a mirror.Quote:
Originally Posted by AntRid
Damn your good at thisQuote:
Originally Posted by KentarouMeQuote:
Originally Posted by AntRidYouQuote:
Originally Posted by KentarouYour Mom in front of a mirror.Quote:
Originally Posted by AntRid
You sit by the fireplace. There is you, your loved one, and time. You look into each other eyes and just when you start to kiss the sun creeps up through the windows. You sigh, where did time go?
(SPOILER)He got embarrassed and ran out.
Lol, you're not supposed to have both tags be end tags.
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/729269/Emoti..._by_DMKike.gifQuote:
Originally Posted by DK
Please... why would do this to me? Why would God allow you to do this to me?Agreed.Quote:
Originally Posted by Raistlin
Oh! I get it! You're missing 5/8 of your brain! :drool::face:Quote:
Originally Posted by Tavaryn
I was so happy when I saw this thread had made a come back :love:
It's similar to this one:Quote:
Originally Posted by Mercen-XOh! I get it! You're missing 5/8 of your brain! :drool:Quote:
Originally Posted by Tavaryn
How many surrealist painters does it take to change a lightbulb?
(SPOILER)Fish.
It's not a pun, it's a non sequitur.
Nerd
Dren
Now Jiro, that's just what, irony?
Can somebody hand me some dry ice because that burn wasn't very good.
A fire recently broke out in Seaworld, killing a man trapped within one of the buildings. Local police are treating the death as suspicious. The origin of the blaze is yet to be confirmed. An aerosol deoderant can was found along with a lighter close to the source of the fire and there was heavy damage caused by highly flammable gases and liquids which are used for the dental care of the theme park's animals. CCTV footage also shows that a performer known for fire juggling whilst standing on the backs of animals within the park was practicing his performance there on that night and has been taken for questioning.
Police spokesperson Wesly released a statement advising "All we can say for now is that this fire was either Axe or dental or done on porpoise".
I'm here all night, folks!
80% of English people didn't get it.
This one is so lame it almost becomes funny for that reason.
"How do you get an elephant inside a fridge?"
"You open the fridge, put the elephant in there and close it."
Daniel, I have never in my life seen a more forced, tortured, pathetic excuse for a joke. You deserve to suffer as you have made my brain suffer.
Zing. :colbert:Quote:
Originally Posted by Mercen-XOh! I get it! You're missing 5/8 of your brain! :drool::face:Quote:
Originally Posted by Tavaryn
This is just how a good pun should be, so I am happy. :aimsun:Quote:
Originally Posted by Raistlin
I don't know whether to clap or hit you in the face Daniel. I'm so confused.
How many animals can you fit in a pair of panty hose?
Two calves, an ass, a beaver, a :bou::bou::bou::bou:load of hares, one camel toe, and a fish that nobody can find!
Two hydrogen atoms meet. The first one says, "I think I lost an electron." The second asks, "Are you sure?" To which the first one replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Oh my, that one was a knee-slapper!Quote:
Originally Posted by El Bacon Bandito
Here's one...God created Saturn...and he liked it, so he put a ring on it.
Ha ha.
Deep thoughts from Confucius:
"Man who run in front of car feel tired."
"Man who run behind car feel exhausted."
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky."
"Baseball is wrong, man with four balls can not walk"Quote:
Originally Posted by El Bacon Bandito
"Man who walk through turnstile sideways go to Bangkok"
"It take many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it"
"Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails"
How many lead singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
"One, he holds the bulb while the world revolves around him."
~
How do you get a drummer off your porch?
"Pay him for the pizza."
For those of you that didn't see The Big Bang Theory the other night:
Why did the chicken cross the möbius strip?
To get to the same side!
Oh, Sheldon. :D
Sheldon cracks me.
Ew!Quote:
Originally Posted by bipper
An exchange my old coworker had with his son:
Timmy: "I don't like Mommy. She does bad things."
Daddy: "Well Timmy, that's why Mommy needs Jesus. We all do bad things at times. That's why Jesus had to die."
Timmy: "Mommy's sin is unforgivable. She disobeyed me and ate all my Cheetos".
Daddy: "I remember when that happened. You were crushed."
Timmy: "I still am."
To get to the other side.
Why did the tachyon cross the road?
^ haha
Haha, this is great.Quote:
Originally Posted by Flying Mullet
They say a womans work is never done.
Maybe thats why they're paid less.
Man who run in front of car feel tired.
Man who run in back of car feel exhausted.
Man who walk through turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
I don't get that one.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Citizen Bleys
Oh.
That's pretty funny.
A ranch dressing bottle tops over. What is this called?
(SPOILER)An Avaranche.
What do you call a man with a spade?
(SPOILER)Doug
What do you call a man without a spade?
(SPOILER)Douglas
What do you call a man in debt?
(SPOILER)Owen
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
(SPOILER)Jack
What do you call a man with three eyes?
(SPOILER)Seymour
What do you call a man with sports equipment?
(SPOILER)Jim
What do you call a Brazilian man with a rubber toe?
(SPOILER)Roberto
What's brown and sticky?
(SPOILER)a stick.
I saw the original jokes thread by [strike]Laddy[/strike] Beer Gut, and I decided to revive this old beauty :D
Here's one I made...
What's more intense than a category 5 cyclone?
(SPOILER)Camping.